The Gay Guy Chronicles: Sex, Dating, and Life with a J-Pouch

Thanks for this post! As a woman, I have been advised strongly against anything, even a finger going into my rectum so I am steering clear for the integrity of my pouch--I don't want to mess around with that delicate, altered anatomy. But, I do also get self-conscious about having sex sometimes because of the pressure sensations with sex and worry about leakage. I know as a gay man your experience is different but wanted to reassure you that I am sure most people have some insecurities at times with sex and sex play---as does everyone. With that said, I think that if you found you are comfortable with your partner enough to enjoy oral sex in that area---that is wonderful! I would be very cautious about taking it further because of the risk of possible injury  

Happy to hear you are healthy and enjoying life (and sex!) 

Thank you so much Julie, I appreciate your reply! You are probably right, risking it is just not really worth it- and I would imagine everyone has the same ''err on the side of caution'' perspective on it too, as no one would want to risk being responsible for inducing their own additional health issue. 

I'm 100% bottom here. The decision for a total colectomy, even while dying from UC, was difficult for me as it effectively ended my sex life. I was recently with someone and I did allow them to use their finger, but I couldn't relax for fear that I might leak, or something was going to be torn, etc.

In the end (no pun), everything was fine. I've been told I have a long. . .uhh. . . anal canal (not sure the correct medical terminology). I'm not sure if that is a real thing, if it makes any difference, but mentally at the time, I kept telling myself everything is fine, they aren't even reaching my surgical spot.

I hope to try that again sometime, but full on sex is never going to happen again.

Heath - My situation sounds very similar to yours  - other then the fact that I'm a straight woman lol.  I had UC as a young adult and eventually ended up with a total coloectomy and j-pouch. Knock on wood - I've had no big problems since my last surgery in 2001.  I don't have any further association with doctors, except for my annual pap tests, and I pretty much live a normal life other than what I assume are typical j-pouch related symptoms such as frequent bathroom breaks, fatigue, etc.

Not to be overly graphic, but my husband and I have worked slowly (over the course of a year or so) into anal and find that it is a very enjoyable part of our sex life.  He is very well endowed and we've definitely been careful about how deep he goes, but I just want to let you know that it has been possible for us. 

I also relate in regard to insecurities about the appearance of piles, scars, etc. around the ass area and that whole "how in the world does he put his mouth on that!?" thought. Lol that's just something you'll have to deal with.  Dim the lights and just try not to overthink it. If it doesn't bother your partner then try not to let it bother you.

Good luck,

N Fos,

Thank you for sharing your perspective, particularly as a straight woman, as I'm sure there are many others in the same boat as we are who can benefit from our experiences and advice.

Your story is really inspiring, considering you are able to actually integrate anal into your sex routine, (within reason) and still enjoy it.  I am honestly shocked that you are able to do so- I will keep that in mind for the future.  Working slowly is key, sounds like.

I really really appreciate your contribution to the conversation, because the more information we can get on this, the better! 

On a separate note, since the post (which was back in March of last year) my life has taken quite a drastic turn..for the better! 

In May 2018 I met someone, and began dating him, and over the course of the past 9 months, we've fallen for each other and got engaged on my birthday at the end of last year! Now I say this not to brag or boast, because that, quite frankly, is not in my nature.  However, I say that to give you some background and insight to who my partner is.. He is a gay guy, who considered himself versatile, enjoying both bottom and topping.  On the very first night that we had a date, I was honest with him, and opened up about my past medical history, my situation with visiting the bathroom alot, and getting up throughout the nights during sleep. But for me, most importantly, if I was going to building anything of value with this guy, I had to speak frankly about my abilities (rather inabilities) sexually, and just tell him what it was that I could and could not do. So, I broke down over dinner, tears were flying (and I'm no drama queen so it was coming from a deep routed place in my heart of honesty), etc. However, through opening up, he actually received my message with openness and a spirit of rather than seeing my inability to bottom as something that was  a negative, he just saw it as something about who I am, and that it is by no means everything or all consuming.  When it comes to really deeply connecting with someone, you learn that sex is truly a way of communicating your love for one another- and I had actually placed a TON of unnecessary expectations on myself and my body, to perform in a way that I anatomically was not designed to do.  Therefore, once I let all that go, we were able to move forward building on integrity, and grounding  our relationship on solid reality rather than unrealistic expectations.

It sounds cliche, but its true, when you meet the right person, it doesn't matter what you think you can and can't do, because what truly matters is the love energy that you create, nurture, and return to one another if the connection is sincere.  I'm fortunate to have been able to find my soul mate in this lifetime, and every night before I go to bed, I thank the universe/god/my lucky stars/etc.  that I have found the one for me.

Now on a sexual note, the chemistry has never been better! Even with him being 'versatile' he is a pleaser personality, which is to my benefit! He is happy not topping another guy, and we've found a few creative ways to have some fun here and there that makes us both happy. 

So believe it or not, this story has a happy ending..to this chapter anyway. I know this is just the first of many chapters, in my book of life, but when you have someone to love, it actually makes life worth living again, and I haven't felt this good since before I was diagnosed with UC, and to those of you who have been in the same boat I have, and actually remember a life BEFORE you were sick all the time, you probably reminisce about those days of not having to take meds, or worry about being sick, or the next hospital visit/procedure/etc.  That is something my partner has given me, which he says was inside me all along, that I just needed someone   to help bring it out- okay, I know this story is now dripping with cheesiness, but its true!

So, Here's to everyone finding someone or something that makes them feel love, and happiness, despite any physical illness or obstacle we face. Because at the end of the day, "the greatest gift of life is to know love"- Quoted from one of my favorite musical duos, Indigo Girls, Song- 'All That We Let In'.

Hi Heath - congratulations on your new love! I'm happy to hear that things are working out so well for you.  Being with someone you trust makes a huge difference. Glad I could give you a little different perspective. 

Warning..Explicit content..read at own risk

Hey Heath and others

Thanks for your story good looking!

So glad you have found happiness

After 2 bouts of external bags (i have attempted to block out) I finally got a jpouch 2 years ago.

Love my jpouch and hope it lasts forever!! I am vers and have always loved the flipping ability..mutually shared everything.. Thankfully topping is still all good but that said I really do miss the ability to let my bfs lust take over and enjoy my cave of delights.. I actually did have a mild mind blowing session since jpouch (felt i could not hold off any longer) He was gentle and careful to only go half way but a few days later I was in hospital with a blocked/twisted bowel..no it did not fix itself..instead decided to burst..one of many times I was lucky I survived (including a liver transplant caused by PSC caused by UC)

Anyway I have no idea if my bottoming  had anything to do with it..and I still fondly remember the look of contentment and ownership as my man enjoyed part of me he had been waiting so patiently to once again revisit..the backlot of my wonderland if you will lol.

I also have hemiroids now and stay away from tomatos and spicy foods ++

My bf is just happy to have me healthy and works my body over real good. I strangely feel that I have lost an important part of my gay identity with my new label of top only and though none of this comes from him, I feel guilty he cant fully enjoy my body like before. Damn i did not mean to sound like such a whiner..

Life is a f'd up rollercoaster and everyone has their ups and downs..I am grateful for every day and I guess we will see what comes next. Congrats!

--D

Scoobshags:   I appreciate your input! And I agree somewhat in the comment about loosing some of that gay identity with exclusively topping.  It isn't so much about me wanting to or having the desire to bottom as it is knowing that it is an option that is completely now off the table.  I completely know what you mean, and hate to hear that you had such a troubling experience following the 'bottom' induced nightmare that ensued with the blocked/twisted bowel and liver transplant! Yikes! Even if your bottoming was not necessarily the cause of the issue, its still all connected in my eyes, or at least I would have had 'bottomers guilt' (Similar to 'Survivors Guilt but with alot more anal sex, LOL)  knowing that the pleasure I gave my man caused the demise of my lower GI tract/etc. and other fully functional organs (Liver). 

However, I am so happy to hear your man gets to enjoy your body in other ways; as does mine it seems.  Even though I'm fully satisfied,  I'd still want to be that full circle type of gay guy that is able to take it as much as I give it, but considering our situation I suppose beggars can't be choosers.  In that perspective, I decide each day to either:

 a.) Loathe & Resent the fact that this happened to me and get pissed at the world.

OR

b.) Accept what my limits are and try to find the happiness in what I'm given.

And I'm sure you, like me, you'll choose option B., because deep down inside I believe we all want to feel love, give love, and be accepted for who we are.

Thanks again for the reply.

Warning..straight gay speak..read at risk of getting a boner lol

Thanks for your reply! The liver transplant was much earlier in life and not bottoming related. But the bowel burst was a terrifying and painful experience on its own. Yeah I enjoy each day as a gift I hope I did not awaken any feelings of regrets in what I wrote..i was just speaking from my heart. Being in a open relationship we have friends that in the past we have enjoyed mind blowing orgies with (all being vers and adventurous lol..) Now it feels like I have a disability...and I wants it so bad!! If my bf was smaller it might be safe but yeah he is scared off from my end zone.. I am also finding sometimes my front loading zone doest want to hoist..i am on a lot of meds so...Anyway once again my bf is amazing and keeps me feeling good despite whatever situation Have a great day.

PS Thanks for being there for me to share with. Cheers!

PSS Being fingered can be mind blowing as well.. having your bf practice and vary methods while you fantasize about him making deep hard passionate love to you may help you cope

--D

There was actually some time where he was eating my ass for a few weeks, and at first the sensitivity of feeling his tongue down there was enough to send me over the edge, but I had to have a few drinks in me before I could even stand it. I'm very ticklish in my butt hole, and curious if the surgery (specifically loosing your rectum) causes increased severe sensitivity?  Guess I am just overcautious.

Now fingering, on the other hand (Literally) is another story. I don't know that I'd feel comfortable with that just because I wouldn't be able to control my sphincter enough to handle it...I think.  Plus, I don't have a connection with my asshole to my prostate- especially post-surgery, so maybe its just not meant to be for me.  Who knows.

Ticklish everywhere but(t) my butthole lol. Half the fun of sex is the surprise of what happens next..and kissing+++ Missing my guy..he has been away for a month.. Take care and have a great weekend!

Thanks for all of this above everybody! I've been worried over the 5 years since my surgery if I'd ever bottom again and would actually love to explore more anal stimulation/penetration but have had no real no luck. I've had fingers up there once (unannounced) with no problem but, as time has passed, it seems that the inner ring has gotten somehow smaller and even my finger causes minor bleeding, let alone any attempts at the very small plug that I have. I do have sexual sensation there, but don't have any idea how to safely proceed.

Also, I'm as afraid to try anything as I am to discuss it with my doc...something I obviously need to get over.

thanks!

Hi All---I am late to this post, but I want to say how refreshing it is to read about important sexual information being shared frankly and in a supportive environment! I am a lesbian and have wondered about life with a J-pouch for gay men, so I appreciate the candor of the post and the responses.

Also late to this post but wanted to share my personal experience. I’m a gay man, 30s, had a total colectomy 14 years ago because of UC and have a j-pouch. About 3-4 years after my surgeries I realized I was gay and asked my GI doctor about bottoming. He didn’t advise against it, and told me to pay close attention to pain or bleeding. It took a few years of getting used to, but I’ve been bottoming successfully ever since then, all things considered. So my experience has been different than what most people seem to have had on here.  Yes, accidents definitely happen, and without a colon it’s hard to figure out how to time eating, how to prep, etc. I think we are also at an even higher risk of STDs (I’ve had my share) because of fissures and other things going on down there. But I’m able to bottom without pain, usually fairly comfortably, and definitely enjoy it.

@ittm500 posted:

Also late to this post but wanted to share my personal experience. I’m a gay man, 30s, had a total colectomy 14 years ago because of UC and have a j-pouch. About 3-4 years after my surgeries I realized I was gay and asked my GI doctor about bottoming. He didn’t advise against it, and told me to pay close attention to pain or bleeding. It took a few years of getting used to, but I’ve been bottoming successfully ever since then, all things considered. So my experience has been different than what most people seem to have had on here.  Yes, accidents definitely happen, and without a colon it’s hard to figure out how to time eating, how to prep, etc. I think we are also at an even higher risk of STDs (I’ve had my share) because of fissures and other things going on down there. But I’m able to bottom without pain, usually fairly comfortably, and definitely enjoy it.

That is amazing, @ittm500. What I cannot understand is that, for me at least, my anus has gotten so tiny without any solid stool going through it, so I wonder---did that happen to you and did it take some time to allow it to expand for you to be the receptive partner? I hope I am not getting too personal with these questions, but I am respectfully curious.

@RHolt posted:

That is amazing, @ittm500. What I cannot understand is that, for me at least, my anus has gotten so tiny without any solid stool going through it, so I wonder---did that happen to you and did it take some time to allow it to expand for you to be the receptive partner? I hope I am not getting too personal with these questions, but I am respectfully curious.

I’m very open about all of this so happy to answer questions. I started with smaller dildos and worked my way up. Half the battle is learning how to control your muscles and relax. It wasn’t until after 2 years of trying (keep in mind this was also several years after the actual surgery, so it was fully healed) I finally cracked the code and figured out what worked to relax. I just exhale and pretend the breath is going all the way down and out my butt lol. I don’t think any of it was about expanding my j-pouch or anus because my GI doctor went into detail about what my anatomy actually looks like now. I remember also being worried that I would damage the j-pouch or rip something and he’s like “no, that’s not the concern, the concern is incontinence down the road.”

@iitm500, thanks for your honest response and describing your approach. I have a younger brother who had 90% of his colon removed (sigmoid remaining) due to Lynch syndrome and colon CA (we have that in our family) and he is gay.  He has some mental health issues and I am not sure he will be in a relationship again, however, it is good to know that it is possible, even with a J-pouch, to be the receptive partner if he ever met the right understanding, caring person. I really appreciate you describing how you were able to make it happen.