Possible New Romantic Relationship - HELP!!

I'm a firm believer that our health related challenges do not define us. People who care about us are more interested in the true us. I think I'd rather know early on in a relationship how my "new friend" feels/would react to my health challenges or other people who have health challenges, in general. The only way to know is to ask or someway work it into a conversation since he does know you were ill....prayer list, etc. Best wishes.

CeeeeCeeee,

Thanks for your advice! We have messaged each other at length and both have been pretty open and honest about a lot of things.

He has shared with me that he has trust issues because of a cheating ex-spouse. As a widow, I have shared with him my guilt issues of someday moving on. I have also shared with him that it's especially scary for me to date someone because I have chronic health issues and who is ever really going to want all that baggage. So, he understands my fears, and seems very receptive, but how/when do I tell him about the details???

Like I said, we have just recently started "talking" back and forth a lot and he is being patient and understanding I'm not quite ready to start the dating process as I'm still working through some grief issues.

Susan,

Disclosure of health issues in dating is a huge regular topic in my CCFA support group. There are differences of opinion on the timing and content of the disclosure but most of the vets in the group, including me, believe that disclosures should be minimal initially and then increase after the relationship has a chance to develop (if in fact it develops on its own merits). You need to give the relationship a chance to breathe, just like a plant needs some sun. Huge health issues disclosures early is raining on the parade.

Date the man and see how it goes and if he falls for you he will be like your husband and not care.

We have a couple in our support group, he has Crohn's, she is healthy. They met on MATCH.com. I think they mentioned that the relationship had advanced quite far and the health disclosures came after they were already in love. He took it slow with her. That is what you need to do. There is no real reason to make early significant disclosures. Also, as someone in my group mentioned, when you do this you let IBD define who you are as a person - you define yourself not as a woman, but as an IBD patient. Is that who you are and is that what you want this man to see? Or do you want him to see who you really are, the woman, who happens to have IBD?

CTBarrister,

I really like your thought process, opinion, and your advice. Everything you say makes sense and is reasonable. You are right...I want any future man in my life to see the woman I am (and hopefully fall for me if he is the right one) that happens to have IBD.

Thank you!!!!

Like you, I was widowed and experienced concerns about disclosure of my condition (S pouch at that time)when I began dating. You just need to follow your gut feeling (pardon the pun)about further disclosure of medical issues. After several brutal years of being single, I met that special woman who also had issues and we discussed them openly on our first date. I know that is a rare exception to the rule and I would not recommend it, but the situation was right for us. We are happily married and will celebrate our fourth anniversary in November. Good luck to you!

BillV,

I'm so happy you found love again! It's hard...the first time I fell in love, I didn't have these things to deal with. This time around, it sure is going to be different. It's awful enough to even think about dating again! It's good to know there is hope out there in hopefully finding someone who can accept our "issues". Happy Anniversary!

Susan,
It is never easy to move on whether you are perfectly healthy or ill...and our illness is one that is hard to throw onto the coffee table with the peanuts and coctails...most people don't like taking about potty issues especially while dating but just like the rest, it is part of life.
My hubby (#2) was very discrete about bodily functions and such, I was shy and terrified about discussing it so I hid behind fancy lingerie to hide the scars, dark lighting, candles and slight-of-hand...in the end, it didn't matter at all...one day he took a peek at the scars while I was sleeping, compared them to his scars (yes, we all have some) and declared that mine were cuter than his!
As for the potty issues, guess what? People without pouches fart too! And their tummies rumble, their diets change, they get the flu and 'redecorate the wallpaper' too...
What a waste of time and energy trying to hide my condition and my biology...in the end they figure it out...he was more intersted in whether I was smart, funny, smiled in the mornings, could cook....etc
Yup, he's a guy. The only real worry was my dietary restrictions...he is a foodie and I have limits so we compromise with restaurants and what I order.
I would worry more about acting naturally, enjoying his company and finding out if you guys are compatible outside or the bedroom or bathroom...that is where it really counts...in the heart and soul.
Then you can worry about the "nity-gritty-details"...
And please.........enjoy yourself...life is way too short to waste time worrying about this stuff.
Sharon

Sharon, thank you!! I'm not even sure if I'm ready to take the dating step but when I am, I know it will be difficult when it comes time to fess up! It's the fistula and subsequent drainage from it that worry me the most and will cause me the most embarrassment. I know it could be quite sometime until it gets to that point, if ever, but I worry about telling any man st the right time. I don't ever want to get that deep into a relationship and then spill my guts and he run. I've lost a husband and and the thought of finding someone special again scarring them away would be traumatic. But I obviously don't want to tell anyone too soon and not even give the relationship a chance. I hate that I'm even in this situation!!! I hate this damn fistula that is ruling my life!!

Susan,
There is nothing to be embarassed about...Trust me...I have 'sprung a leak' from my k pouch in public, private, in bed (at the wrong time) and once on my 18month old grandson's head! (he came running into the house and threw himself at me! Hubby had to clean up the mess while I got washed)...I have learned the hard way that there is no reason to be embarassed and if they like you, they don't run...hubby is a 'prissy' of sorts...architect, good looking guy with culture and class...I thought that he was Way out of my league until we started dating...and I spent hours working out, doing hair, make-up, hands and feet etc to try to be 'up to snuff'...well guess what? He couldn't have given a hoot...he hates make-up, up-do's or fancy pants...he like me. (fine, after 10yrs of marriage, I think that he loves me by now!) I make him laugh, he makes me giggle and in the long run, to be perfectly honest, sex comes and goes (no pun intended!) and bodies fall apart but if you can make eachother laugh you can go the distance...
Don't let a fistula or a pouch, gas, farts, dribbles or other bodily fluids and functions stop you from getting to know a nice guy and giving him the chance to get to know you...
Sharon