I have a jpouch with crohns and fistulas and I feel pretty "normal" most of the time. I've been doing online dating in a huge metro area. Its fun but I'm wondering how soon I should tell people about my jpouch and fistulas. A lot of these men want kids and I'm afraid to put my body through that. Also with online they want to move faster which makes it more nerve wracking. Does anyone have any advice?
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I'm going to be completely honest, I think fistulas make most people EXTREMELY uncomfortable the first time they hear about them. Luckily there is really no need to get into that much detail when you are early in the dating process. All you need say is that you can't or won't have biological children for medical reasons. Done. There are plenty of people for whom that isn't a dealbreaker, and as you grow closer and trust them more you can share more personal information.
For what it's worth, my boyfriend knows about my situation (would be hard not to seeing as I have an ileostomy) and he knows my surgeries can increase the risk of infertility, but we haven't had the "come to Jesus" conversation yet about actually having kids. The time will come but we're not there yet. It's extremely personal and just because you're dating someone doesn't mean they're your best friend. That's how I feel anyway.
For what it's worth, my boyfriend knows about my situation (would be hard not to seeing as I have an ileostomy) and he knows my surgeries can increase the risk of infertility, but we haven't had the "come to Jesus" conversation yet about actually having kids. The time will come but we're not there yet. It's extremely personal and just because you're dating someone doesn't mean they're your best friend. That's how I feel anyway.
surrogacy is not uncommon today
Plout: Thanks for your reply. It was really helpful. I agree, people don't really want to hear all the details. I think that's a good idea to wait until it's going to be exclusive or more serious. Besides, I might only go on a few dates with someone and never see them again, and I wouldn't want them to know all that personal info about me.
dawn58: That's a good point. I'll have to bring that up to my surgeon.
dawn58: That's a good point. I'll have to bring that up to my surgeon.
Maddie,
I was one of the 'fortunate ones' who found out very early that children would be nearly impossible (12yrs) and it destroyed my 'dating life'...it hung over my head like a sword and kept me running in the opposite direction as soon as a guy showed his 'family' tendencies...The good guys, nice guys, fatherly guys etc all got the short end of the stick as soon as the word 'kids' came up in the conversation...and I allowed a lot of good ones (they really are out there!) to get away....
Now I realise that I was an idiot.
4 of them, who I adored, never got married or had kids...some did but divorced from miserable marriage with unadapted women....
What I am saying is, please do not allow your situation or condition to limit you when dating...I made it a deal breaker and cut the guys off before they even had a chance to give me a 2nd date...the poor few who made it to date 3 were pushed out the door as soon as intimacy came up...idiot.
Hubby got the boot after 3 months of dating (no sex!!!!) when he asked me to marry him in '89 because he wanted me to be the 'mother of his children'...(I flew back home the next day and hid for a month)...poor guy...he came back to me 10yrs later and we have been married for 9yrs now...but I bitterly regret not giving him the benefit of the doubt back then and at least trying to see what was possible medically speaking.
I ended up having 3 miscarriages with him (medical miracles in themselves) but if I had maybe tried harder sooner I might have been able to carry one to term and have a kid now...I let the fear control my life.
Please don't...
Sharon
I was one of the 'fortunate ones' who found out very early that children would be nearly impossible (12yrs) and it destroyed my 'dating life'...it hung over my head like a sword and kept me running in the opposite direction as soon as a guy showed his 'family' tendencies...The good guys, nice guys, fatherly guys etc all got the short end of the stick as soon as the word 'kids' came up in the conversation...and I allowed a lot of good ones (they really are out there!) to get away....
Now I realise that I was an idiot.
4 of them, who I adored, never got married or had kids...some did but divorced from miserable marriage with unadapted women....
What I am saying is, please do not allow your situation or condition to limit you when dating...I made it a deal breaker and cut the guys off before they even had a chance to give me a 2nd date...the poor few who made it to date 3 were pushed out the door as soon as intimacy came up...idiot.
Hubby got the boot after 3 months of dating (no sex!!!!) when he asked me to marry him in '89 because he wanted me to be the 'mother of his children'...(I flew back home the next day and hid for a month)...poor guy...he came back to me 10yrs later and we have been married for 9yrs now...but I bitterly regret not giving him the benefit of the doubt back then and at least trying to see what was possible medically speaking.
I ended up having 3 miscarriages with him (medical miracles in themselves) but if I had maybe tried harder sooner I might have been able to carry one to term and have a kid now...I let the fear control my life.
Please don't...
Sharon
Hi Sharon,
Sorry I didn't even see your post until now. This is really interesting, thanks so much for the advice. I guess I have probably limited myself with my own attitude. I will keep that in mind.
Sorry I didn't even see your post until now. This is really interesting, thanks so much for the advice. I guess I have probably limited myself with my own attitude. I will keep that in mind.