Oh, Please, Rant away...you are entitled to...this is very long ride and progress is measured in increments....your body is telling you that it just is not ready for that sort of activity...yet...and that it still needs to heal, both physically and mentally...so hubby has to learn that for now, at least, you need to take care of your body and mind...while he can take care of himself until you are perfectly comfortable...and healthy.
You need to heal your neither parts and until they stop hurting and can be a source of something other than pain you may not wish to participate in sexual activity, and that is so normal...
On the other hand, once you feel better you may wish to ease into it slowly and with gentlness and kindness...things take time to heal and this is just part of that process...
If he loves you, he may be impatient, may be 'needy' but he will still love you until you are ready...
Sharon

I know what you mean. You need to tell him that you love him and want to make love in your mind but it is hard to get in the mood when it hurts inside of you. The j-pouch is right next to the vajaja. It's painful to have sex - period. It doesn't matter how much foreplay there is or isn't. Please tell him you want to cuddle and be close but you are not ready for the "act" yet. I never had such pain in my life as doing that too soon.

If he is going to leave you over something like this he is a pretty shallow guy. I know easy for me to say. I feel so guilty about my husband for so many things the last few years but he still loves me as he knows I am trying.

Take care - level with him, he probably doesn't know.

My fiancé does the same thing. It's very frustrating Bc I have a fistula and he doesn't get that it's painful for me! Yet he pushes and pushes then gets mad when I say no at times. I'm like if you only knew the pain this brings me.

Something I have been dealing with for awhile now too. Only my husband diesnt seem to get it at all. He makes me feel so guilty by using hurtful words. It has really driven a nail in our relationship, all due to the lack of sex. I'm not in the mood, it hurts so much and can't help to show it in ny face.. so instead if saying it hurts in sorry, he says you can't even pretend to enjoy it or you have a duty as a wife to keep me happy.

If I could eliminate sex all together from ny life right now, I woyld. I wish they did understand, I'm sure some do, but sine of us are not as lucky. He makes me sad and makes me not want to be around him. I dread nights, because he always groped me, as a matter if fact we are at odd ends right now because he wanted to on Friday night.. I was not feeling good, diahrea, pain etc.... He tells me just lay there, you at least owe me that. I'm sick to my stomach from that comment.

A neighbour of mine just came by to check in on my hubby and started to tell us about his kidney stones, the abject pain that he was in and the horrors of having a urinary cath up his 'who's-it-what's-it' for 2 full weeks and then having it yanked out without anesthetic...he couldn't pee or even think about sex without crying like a baby for a month...so Girls, talk seriously with your hubbys of how it would feel to have a splintery wooden chopstick shoved up their 'male parts' strait to their kidneys and then yanked out leaving behind a 100+ splinters and shards of wood...that description may just give them an inkling of what you are going through right now...the guys need visuals...if that doesn't work you may want to go out and buy yourselves a pair of chopsticks and keep them on your nightstand...just as a reminder to those loving and devoted hubbys of what awaits them if they try to touch you before they are ready... (just joking...Right?!)
Seriously...you need to show them the worst pictures that you can find on the internet of men's boy-parts with serious disease, illness and mutilation and then explain that it does not even touch what you are suffering...it may just give you 1 good night's sleep..(I seriously did that and managed to get my point across!)
Sharon

quote:

the horrors of having a urinary cath up his 'who's-it-what's-it' for 2 full weeks and then having it yanked out without anesthetic.

I had one for about a week and then had it yanked out without anesthetic. It only hurts for about a split second if it's done properly (i.e., quickly and ruthlessly), but there is a burning sensation as it comes out which is very unpleasant.

I guess that they used smaller caliber ones on you but his were very large bore due to the size and profusion of kidney stones...think cath the size of your baby finger and you may re-think the 'ouch' factor!
(And I pray that you never have to live the experience!)
Sharon

I just read your description to my husband Sharon. He understands but still isn't happy about it. He still slides in comments every once in a while.

Fortunately we are grandparents and libidos are not what they use to be.

I am sorry to hear that you girls are going through the same thing......but very glad that, thank God, I am not the only one.
I sat down with my Partner over the weekend and was totally honest about how I was feeling and it has made a huge difference, a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. He was so lovely about it and (So Far!!!) it has allowed us to get back close together physically again with some cuddles. Not sure how long it will last.
Think I chose the right time to talk to him about it, not when I had just turned away again, but on a relaxed Saturday morning and no-where in the vicinity of the bedroom.

I've tried the same, and yes he seems to be understanding. But then it always come back to the same ol same ol . I feel bad pushing him away.

They are right up against each other, back to back, tissue to tissue. If one is inflamed, hurting, burning having spasms etc. it hurts like holly hell to stick a big cucumber up next door that presses into the inflamed, hurting, having spasms, burning etc. area where there are all told with them both around a zillion nerve endings all screaming PAIN at the same time...plus the cucumber thing is thrusting in and out causing waves of pain.....

Even if it were the size of a PENCIL it would hurt like hell!

Why wouldn't anyone male or female understand that?

Have they ever had a doctor's exam of their prostrate?

Love your discription TE,
Just mention cactus and prostate in the same sentence and you will get a cringe out of them! And maybe 5 mins of sympathy too!
Sharon

Great description TE.
Have decided that men are like goldfish....put in the information....then it is gone. Think it the effect of the testosterone taking over and their memory moving down south!!!
Bet you have heard this before "You just don't want me anymore and don't find me attractive" God men and their egos needing stroking.
Promise this is not a man bashing session, but mine had a tummy bug last week and had the day off work because, SHock Horror, he had had diaorrea 4 times in the night. Not only that I had full a full graphic rundown of it all and how his abdomen was painful and grumbling. Bit my tongue but wanted to shout....hey try about 24 times a day mate, 7 days a week, 52 weeks of the year.

Kiwipoucher, you are too nice! I would have said "I know exactly how bad you fell as I've gone through it for XX,XXX number of days XX times per day. You'll get use to it."

(maybe years would have been better than converting them to days)

My husband is understanding but every once in a while in passing he says "why don't you suck my dick?" or some variation of that, like he is joking. He is not joking. I'm going to share something with you all, that is the least favorite thing I ever liked about sex and I had to be intoxicated....enough said. I wish I could get motivated. SO there we go with the TMI post of the year. I hope the barrister is not following this post anymore.

Funny but my greatest fear was that I would say no for so long that the day that I finally said yes, he wouldn't want to any more! Kind of put out the fires...well many years post op (not really the 1yr anniversary of my last surgery is tomorrow!) and I still worry...my libido comes and goes...so does his...and we have a hard time wanting each other at the same time of day/night/month...I miss the closeness that it brings to us but with all of the years of pain and suffering, hernias, leaky pouch and pouch torsion into the hernia (won't tell you which postion pushed my pouch into it!)even though my pouch pain rarely occurs during sex, it still leaves me fearful and stressed to the point that it is very hard to relax...
And fear is no friend of pleasure...
I almost lost my hubby last week and I am darned but I want a few more years of pleasure with him before I retire that part of my life...
Sharon

Sharon,
I hope he is doing better and that you are both feeling well.

Thanks TE,
He is doing so much better, house bound due to post op angioplasty requirements and a major snow storm here (yup, France got hit by a 'Canadian type' snow storm in March!, a historical almost first!)...so we are locked in and trying to recover...I feel like a skinned cat for now...All of my nerves exposed and screaming...the least amount of stress and I am off the Richter scale but I will be fine in the longrun...for now, we have to find our way back to each other and life...and love...by the way, tried it, it works just taking it a bit slower!
Sharon