PS - my emotions are STILL all over the place, guys aren't suppose to cry, but when I was watching the tragedy in Connecticut unfold, seeing all those poor poor families destroyed by the actions of one psycho, I fell apart, I had to shut the TV off, I just couldn't watch any more. Normally, I'd just be sad, but I would have never fell apart like I did, what the heck? What's the connection between a K pouch surgery and my wild emotions? My family doctor attributes it too years of pain, suffering, and surgeries finally crashing down on me with this last surgery. I think he may be onto something. While I dealt with my past problems the best I could, I think I just suppressed a lot assuming things would be just fine, but when I realized that I need more surgery, and enduring the most pain I have ever felt over the past 24 years since my first diagnosis at age 20, it was more then my psyche could handle. For about two months, after my k pouch, I was in agony, if felt as though something inside me, aside from my physical health, broke. I've tried so hard, all my life, to push it aside and try to live my life with letting those close to me know just how much pain I was in. Honestly, after the events of this summer, I felt like giving up, like I was in a dark, dark tunnel with a light at the end I could never reach. I've been moody, angry, and more depressed then I've ever been. Poor Freddy (my other half) has had to deal with my mood swings, I feel so horrible for being such a B$C to him, but I just can't help it. I'm already on Ativan, Citalopram and Buspirone, but it's not working as well, but my doc doesn't want to increase my dosage, he fears it might make it worse. I know it's silly, we've all been through this, I'm disappointed in myself for not being strong enough to cope with this. Granted, I'm doing better then a few months ago, but it ain't easy, guess I'm no where near as strong as I though I was. I just pray nothing else impedes my recovery, don't think I can handle much more right now. I know I'll need knee and hip surgery within the next year, my body is falling apart, all related to the years of UC and it's treatment. For now, I'd rather deal with the physical pain, that's easy, but this emotional roller coaster is more then my brain can handle, thanks for listening, I needed to get hat off my chest,
Eric