My world has just collapsed......

These are good questions for your therapist. It may seem harsh to think or say this, but as hard as it may be for you, now that it is pretty certain that there is no hope to repair your marriage, you can start to let go of it, learn how to move on, and focus on you, your kids, and your extended family/close friends. I suspect you have not told many people because you thought this would turn around and you would not have to tell. Your wife has the advantage because it seems that she had worked through her feelings of loss already.

You are grieving. It is the same as if there was a death. You are suffering the loss of your life partner. While she has not died, you have lost that connection with her, and it is normal to grieve that loss. I don't know what to tell you to help you get past this, other than I know you will. I am not even sure that you need different medication.

I'm sure others will have better advice and some experience to base it on.

Take care and do not push yourself too much.

Jan

Poucho- My heart goes out to you. I hope your situation gets better soon. As far as the antidepressants go- You may need to switch to another one if it hasn't kicked in 3 weeks. Another thought is to add Abilify. When I couldn't stop crying every day all day over my incontinence issues and the thought of my husband leaving me, The abilify worked within the week. I use it in addition to Effexor. I am not sure if you can use it in addition to Zoloft. It is always used with another antidepressent. It has been like a miracle drup for me. They started me on 2mg and then after I feel apart after my k pouch surgery I went up to 4mg. Both times I noticed a huge difference with in a week. It is really instrumental in helping with anger and or constant crying. I am afraid to go off of it, because I feel like it is the only thing that makes me feel like a normal person. The heartache of losing your wife will still hurt and still be there, but it may make it a little easier to live your life and do basic things like eat and sleep. Good Luck. Feel free to PM me with any questions or if you just need a friend to talk to. I am praying for you and your situation.

Rosie

i have heard zoloft can take up to 6-8 weeks, so its been 3 so i think i will give it a few more and then maybe change to something else. I am just on so many meds, even more now than before surgery

Tindamax 500mg 2 times a day---for my sinus to prevent abcess
Entocort 3mg 3 times a day--- for my pouchitis/cuffitis
Immodium 6-8 per day---------to firm up stool
Oxycodone 5mg 2 per day-------for pouch spasms
Zoloft 50mg 1 a day-----------clinical depression
Xanax .5mg as needed-----------anxiety
Tylenol PM 500mg 2 at bed------to sleep
Boost very high calorie supplement 560 calories per can 3 times a day--- trying to keep weight on.

its just crazy, i hate taking all these meds.Yeah, a soon to be divorced 42 year old 140 pound stick figure who is unhealthy and depressed. who the **** would want me? i am a train wreck

Someone should start a 12 step (give or take a few steps) support group for those of us who have gone through/are going through what Poucho is going through. First of all, he's definitely not alone and, furthermore, there is strength in numbers. Just knowing this isn't happening to JUST us does help. The " one day at a time" philosophy is also a positive coping strategy. Sometimes an addictive relationship is just as harmful as an addictive substance. My thoughts, anyway.

I am just so sick and tired of bad things happening to good people all the time.While all the a-holes out there just go through life with not a care in the world. I just dont understand

I know what you mean. There are days, like today, when I don't want to hear the news.

I'm tired of hearing God doesn't give us more than we can handle. Tell that to a starving child of a mother dying of AIDS or the family that just lost a loved one due to a crazy person armed with assault weapons or a drunk driver.

All we can do is all we can do. We need to see the good in the world. It is difficult as negative news stories are more popular than positive ones.

I think it is just easier to feel that bad things happen to good people "all the time" when you are in a negative frame of mind. Bad things happen to bad people too. We just don't care about them. We take notice when people who are giving and nice have terrible luck. It goes against our image of Karma or God's reward, or whatever.

But really, if you think about it, rain falls on the just as well as the unjust. You cannot live your life a certain way, expecting sunshine and rainbows all the time. Life is messy whether you are good, bad, or indifferent. I know that is sort of a fatalistic attitude, but I think you can only control how you respond to what is happening around you. You cannot control other people or the world around you.

Jan

Hi Poucho,

Bad things happen to good people, and good things happen to bad people. Understanding the "why" in this world requires a relationship with God. Pray for wisdom, and understanding, and he will show you.

God Bless,
Markus

I need some help here. I have been taking this Zoloft for 3 weeks now and i dont feel any different. The whole thought of this divorce and moving out on my kids is killing me. I cant get over the hurt and the pain. I am still crying alot. I miss my wife and i dread the talk with my 5 and 6 1/2 year old daughters that will come shortly. They are going to think daddy is leaving them behind and walking out on them.(crying now), packing my stuff and walking out that door, and their little faces watching me leave. OH GOD HELP ME..

i know the Zoloft they say takes 6-8 weeks to start working, so not sure if its not working or i need the dose highered? also have Xanax, but i keep getting these anxiety attacks where I am shaking,rapid heartbeat,jittery. I mean is this part of the healing process or is the Zoloft supposed to help with this? I dont know how to deal with it. My wife and I are still in house and talking through stuff, no anger just disapointment. pretty much agree on what and how we will split stuff. Its affecting my job somewhat cuz i just cant deal with these feelings and attacks.. suggestions?

Take what I say with a grain of salt, because I have no personal experience. But, it seems to me that it is time for a change, because what you're doing/taking is not improving your symptoms. It even seems like this is headed toward crisis mode. You don't want this to escalate where you need inpatient treatment. Not trying to scare you, but those things can happen.

I would get on the phone right away and tell your therapist what you are telling us. It seems to me that you need different medications and perhaps more frequent therapy sessions to help you cope with these changes. You cannot continue this way.

I also think you can assume that none of this is going unnoticed by your children, and finding out the truth will probably be a relief compared to what they are imagining.

For what it is worth, we are here to listen, and we care what happens to you.

Jan

my therapist cannot prescribe meds, i was prescribed them from my family phsician who both of them suggested i go on them. My family doc is retiring at the end of the year and she is down to part time, 2 days a week. is depression and heartache the same thing? everywhere i read says Zoloft needs time to work and people usually give up on it too early. so i am just starting week 4, so i dont know.? I am fine around my kids, i pull it together and its great, but as soon as i get to work i get all worked up again.Its wierd because all the reasons my wife wants out is because i was never emotionally there for her and i just never gave a ****, which was probably part of the depression? so, did i really not care that much? i realize now all the stuff i have been doing and i feel horrible about it, just confused on whats really going on with me?

Dear Pouchomarx,

Your children are the most important people in the world to you and for them you need to quit beating yourself up. You plan on living close and participating in their lives as much as possible. You are doing all that you can do.

It seems like your wife and you are handling this determined to protect your children as much as possible. As long as they know you love them and are still going to be their daddy they can accept. You would be hurting them if you were one of those dad's that moved out and on.

Jan is correct that you need some more help now. Medication is not going to help you alone. Please share with your therapist everything and if you need to go weekly or more do so.

I'm under the care of a therapist and I'm having seeing her every week.

I know you want to stay in the house through the holidays. It might be better if you found a place sooner than later. Seeing your wife daily and her constant rejection, no matter how nice she is, could be part of what is tearing you up in side.

You two will talk to your girls and tell them how much you love them and you are going to be close and going to spend as much time with them as you can. Tell them that your wife and you have decided to separate because you no longer want to live together. What ever you do don't assign blame to yourself or to your wife. Please do not use your children to get back at your wife, don't talk bad about her. I don't think either of you are like that, just wanted to put that in there as my mother did that to me when they were divorced. I was 8 years old so I can relate to your kids. I knew they were getting a divorce without being told and they never did fight in front of me. There has to be tension in your home and they are sensing it. That's why I'm suggesting you move sooner.

Again I'm not a medical or mental health professional but just pulling from all of my experiences at the child of divorce and as the mother of children that went through our separation. My husband was out of the house for 6 months. We worked things out living apart that we couldn't together.

Your daughters need you so you need to seek help so you can handle everything you are facing.

Take care of yourself.

The psychologist cannot prescribe, but can make recommendations, often much better than your primary doctor. If needed, she can refer you to a psychiatrist for medication management. Probably a good idea, since you are lready on a lot of medications and interactions need to be considered.

I would personally see this as an urgent/emergency type situation, even if you think you can pull it together when you need to.

Jan

the only other meds i am on, besides the zoloft and xanax, is Entocort. I have really not taken my oxycodone that much, i have almost actually stopped taking it. I stopped taking the Tindamax that Shen told me to take for the sinus issue, my surgeon feels this has been there since original surgery, and I have not had an issue with it. just the cuffitis/pouchitis. but last time with Shen the inflammation was minimal. so not sure if it was the Tindamax or the Entocort ? i go get my next and last kneedle/knife therapy in about 5 weeks so i will see whats up with the inflammation then, if its back, maybe the Tindamax was helping? who knows.if one more therapy with Shen does not work he says i will need surgery again to fix the sinus,which is major surgery. and i dont have the time or money to go through that again, i would for sure lose my job, already have no savings cuz of all the medical bills. as far as moving out now, I have nowhere to go. I am trying to get a loan out from my 401k to get a down payment on a condo but all this takes time, its just so much to deal with all at once.

Gee, could it be that reducing your narcotics at this time is compounding your symptoms? Some of what you describe sounds like withdrawal. I would have mentioned it before, but in your post of less than a week ago, you listed it as a regular drug.

I still think expert medication management is in order. It can get tricky, especially with steroids on board. Sure, Entocort is not supposed to absorb much, but for some people, it is enough to cause emotional symptoms. I would ask for a referral on this. You don't have to see this doctor for psychotherapy, just medications. With your complex medical history, it just seems to make sense, especially since you are not getting adequate symptom relief.

Jan

You need to have the financing to move out to a separate residence. You also need a lawyer to figure out how much your temporary child support will be. I am assuming your wife works outside of the home.

There are motel like residences you can move into that are fully furnished, if that is what you will need. You have no time to yourself and that contributes to why you have a hard time when you get to work. Please take care of yourself

I'm a non practicing CPA. I think you need to open your own checking account and have your income deposited there. Then you can write one check to your wife monthly to support your children. A lawyer can tell you the amount you should be paying by the law. My husband's attorney told him he was lucky I had a good job. In any event, temporary child support was set up for us and he had to send the money to the county and they sent it to me. He is the one that filed for divorce and that took me by surprise. What did I expect, I'd asked him to leave our home.

Another thing my lawyer had me clean out the savings and checking accounts, less a nice sum that covered his expenses. Boy did the sh%t hit the fan then. 3 weeks later after support was established, we sat down and I wrote him a check for his half. You might have this happen to you so if I were you I'd take half of whatever you have. My lawyer told me not to charge anything, or spend the money on anything. I just held it until the court ordered the child support.

Sorry for throwing this all at you but if you need a deposit for a place to live you need to gather the funds now and you need to have your paychecks put into an account with without her name on it.

Jan has advised you well concerning your health, I'm trying to show you what will probably happen to your finances. If you cash in part of your 401K and are under a certain age please have not only income tax withheld but 10% for the early withdraw penalty. All you need is a tax bill in April.

Hopefully after all this gets in the works she will realize she can't live without you.

I called my 401k people and if i took 20k out i have 5 years to pay it back in at 5.25% plus $150 initial fee.. and said it was all pretaxed or whatever so i dont need to do anything with my taxes.. whats this 10% your talking about? they didnt say anything about that?

hey poucho..
I just want to reiterate what jan said-that entocort and percocet withrdrawing can also be wreaking havoc on you. I know this from my own personal experience with these drugs.

I think jan's advice for you to find someone to medically manage this stuff to help you get through it all is very very important. At best case, it could help you find some relief. At worst case.. it can't do you any harm.
we're all thinking of you and know you will pull through this.
liz

Hi,
It sounds like you are taking out a loan and not cashing it in, that is good - not taxable. Only problem is if you quit working there you usually have to pay the remaining loan balance back at that time.

You will be paying yourself the 5.25% back into your plan.

I wanted to warn you about taxes for taking a withdraw and you are taking a loan.

I want to add that my husband and I got back together after we were separated and living apart for 6 months.

I am still taking the Entocort 3 times a day. The oxycodone is 5mg and i was only taking it once in awhile for the abdominal spasms. not even every day. so not sure there would be any withdrawl from that? Im just wondering if its the Zoloft ? they say it takes 6-8 weeks to fully get into system, and i just started week 4. I am thinking about switching to Lexapro, i was told i could just stop taking the Zoloft and start taking the Lexapro right away because they are so close, and i should be ok.

Hey Poucho, just reading the recent posts in this thread for the first time. I really haven't been posting as much here lately as I really want to.

First, I think I am in agreement that I sure empathize with your situation. As a Dad I can tell you if this happened to me I would have many of the same, desperate feelings of sadness and loss - and I would be in tears often throughout the day. You are grieving so much - your marriage, and your kids as well. You feel like you are losing them.

But... I want you to hear me now... you are NOT losing your kiddos. It sounds to me like you are very connected with them - you wouldn't feel this way if you weren't. And that means they are very connected with you, even if they can't understand or express it back to you in the same way. Poucho - you are in control of your relationship with your kids. You are not in control of staying and living with them and continuing as their Dad in the same way. That is lost, and you must spend some time coming to grips with that. But the turning point will come for you when you realize, all is not lost and you do have some control here. Start to think about what your new life with your kids can / will be like. Start thinking it through, and know that your relationship with them is not bound to your current situation. It is not. It will be different, but and that will be okay down the road.

When grieving loss you must come to the point were you accept it - and determine to live with it if that's what will be. You CAN get through this. Please start taking proactive steps to work through this - both with your doctor and medications, and with your family. Sounds like you are still in a place where you are suffering with things feeling constantly out of your control (and some are). If you can start to reel some of those things back into your circle of control, it will go a long way towards bringing you some healing.

We are with you through this. Hang in there and keep moving forward.

Steve

I have been following this thread somewhat and am so sorry for what you are going through. My son's surgical ordeal 12 years ago sowed the seeds of clinical depression, which grew as he continued to have chronic illness and pain and is now in full bloom. (Part of why I have not commented is that we have also been pretty much in full-on crisis mode for the past year.) I am commenting now, because I want to second (or third) the recommendation that you find a good psychiatrist to prescribe your psychotropic meds. Understanding of the effects of these medications has evolved rapidly in recent years, and your family physician almost certainly does not have current training in this area of pharmacology.

Otherwise, all I can say is that, like your surgeries, this is a process and will take some time--a marathon, not a footrace. Try to take it one day at a time and not project too far into the future.

Connie makes an excellent point for finding a psychiatrist.

Sue

Hi Connie!

It's been a very long time and I'm so sorry things are still so tough for you, Thomas and your family. I would love to catch up in PM if you have some time.

Sending lots of healing thoughts your way, honey.

My son's medication dosages were adjusted for 3 months before he felt they had a noticeable positive effect--and he was fortunate to be prescribed one that worked in the first place, rather than having to try different meds, as many people do. He takes a daytime med--Effexor--and a different one at night--Remeron, which helps with sleep. For these reasons, you need not only a psychiatrist, but one who will see you every 2-3 weeks in the beginning, so the necessary adjustments can be made.

Addendum: In addition to two prescribed narcotics for pain (which he has taken for 2.5 years and which we hope to resolve, eventually--for a bone graft that won't heal, long irrelevant story) he also takes a small dose of Elavil for sleep and Valium for anxiety. He also notes that medication won't fix the suckiness of the situation, but it can make the emotional lows a little less low and more bearable.

All the best wishes for Thomas to overcome depression.

I agree about the medications. My Internist has be prescribing mine and decided last week that I have the psychiatrist,in my therapists office, review what I'm taking and figure out if anything needs changing, increased, decreased etc.

Connie, I am so sorry that Thomas and your family have been down this rabbit hole for so long. While I did not expect a quick turn around, I was hopeful that this would not be a long term crisis.

I agree that you cannot expect medication to sweep away all the ills, but at least be able to function and cope, so some progress can be made. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Thomas is lucky to have strong support.

Jan

i think i turned a small corner today. i have not cried and i said to myself this morning that i need to get it together. i cant change the situation so i must start dealing with it. i guess i am somewhat lucky that we are on friendly terms and working together on how to divide things up and what not. my wife is awesome, i just didnt do a good job being a husband to her. she was sooo in love with me, and i just pissed it away. i will always love her forever. she knows my depression is some of it but i was checking out prior to my surgeries as well. not sure why, cuz i love her the same as when we got married. its just so hard, still loving her so much. going to switch to Lexapro tomorrow and see if i can get this burning gut and nausea to subside, and maybe i can start eating again. THANK YOU to everyone for all the support, really seems like a family here. One day at a time, i will get through this. i will never get over my wife, but i will move on.

I'm glad you feel better and are getting along with your wife so well.

The first thing our marriage counselor said was a divorce is never all the fault of one spouse. So please remember that. She also said the fault was 50/50 each. Of course I didn't believe it and was convinced it was all my husbands fault. During counseling I discovered she was right, but I still thought it was more his fault than mine

Right now your wife is perfection to you. Please remember she was the other partner in your relationship. She could have said something about her feelings before now. I bet she was hoping things would get better just as I did.

I'd skipped the life lesson that said if you keep doing the same thing over and over again you are going to get the same results over and over again. In order to get my marriage back on tract I should have done something sooner.

I hope the new medication works and you start feeling better and eating again.

quote:

I still thought it was more his fault than mine

I think counselors assess 50/50 fault scenarios to take percentage blame out of the counseling session. This number has meaning only from a mediation standpoint.

Going into a mediation of a personal injury case, I will make a settlement offer that will posture the case to settle for what I want it to settle for on the high end. If I offer $25,000 against a $125,000 settlement demand it will be with a view toward a mediator possibly splitting the difference at $75,000.

A divorce counselor wants to eliminate blame from the counseling session at the outset. This is why it is not any science, but merely prudent mediation strategy to start at 50/50 blame scenario regardless of what the facts are.

Pouchomarx has said repeatedly that he is a horrible husband and that his wife is a terrific wife. We don't know how much of this assessment is Poucho's self loathing at the moment, and his depression over the breakup. For all we know, she was not the greatest wife, and was cheating on Poucho. For all we know, Poucho is/was a better husband than he credits himself for being with adjustments for the difficulties imposed on him by his health issues. To come up with any % blame is merely a negotiating tool with no real science behind it.

I have tried to tell Poucho that I have seen many marriages break up among friends, colleagues, and co-workers as a neutral 3rd party observer. Most recently a friend of mine discovered his wife was cheating on him, confronted her with the evidence, and when she admitted it, he filed for divorce. Like Poucho he lost a ton of weight, and he was a thin guy to begin with. He told me he was in shock that she cheated on him, because she went to Church every Sunday. Privately I found this to be a laughable comment because it implies that women who go to Church every Sunday do not cheat on their husbands. Anyway, he went through a several month period of trauma, got divorced, eventually moved on and gained weight and now has a steady girlfriend who appears to be a very good match for him.

I think the stages in the book "On Death and Dying" can be applied to the "death" of a marriage. This is called The Kubler-Ross model:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model

Poucho is in the depression phase.

Poucho is slowly creeping towards the move on/light at the end of the tunnel/acceptance phase of his mourning. We need to help him get to the end of that tunnel.

DJBHusky and Poucho,

I live in a 50/50 state and I was not talking about property settlements. The counselor was using it to get through to my husband that it wasn't all my fault and it wasn't all his fault. She helped us and we only went a few times. Remember I only went because of our children, I was sure I didn't love him anymore. 22 years later and here he is stuck with a disabled wife. Poor guy, this all is just not fair for anyone.

I was trying to illustrate how the break-up of a marriage is not all one sided. The man whose wife had an affair maybe did so because he was a SOB and treated her like crap. Should she have slept with someone else? NO Is the divorce 100% her fault, NO.

Poucho it is good that you accept blame for this but it is not all of your fault. I'm sure your wife is as great as you say. I'm hoping that with some time apart will be good for both of you to each work on your selves. I'm hoping for the best as you didn't do anything unforgivable.

If you need an attorney poucho maybe DJB can help you out. (Just joking - you probably live on different sides of the country.)

Good summation tough!

Steve

Oh, and that small corner you feel like you are turning Poucho... Yea! Keep on!

Steve

Hello, I am new to this site!! But WOW, I feel like I just got done reading a story about me!! My husband moved out in January and I tried like hell to make it work! I did everything in my power to do what I could to help our 15 yr marriage. I also have 2 kids, 8 and 5. They have been amazing. I got the "I love you but I'm not in love with you". And in May he stated that he wanted a dissolution. I was crushed and devastated.... how am I going to move on without him? People kept telling me that it hurts now, but one day it will click and you'll realize that you are amazing and can make it on your own. I laughed and thought they were out of their minds!! I had seen a few different counselors. I also kept a journal, sometimes your mind is just racing with all kinds of information and thoughts and you need to get it out. So I must say that this helped me tremendously. Especially at night when I couldn't fall asleep and you're thinking about the "what if's". Write it down. The girls I work with have been amazing, they listen to me when I need to rant and rave and they don't judge, they are just there to listen. So, my other suggestion is find a support group, family or friends that you can call ANYTIME to talk to. I did also get depression meds from dr to help get thru the rough spots.

I had my colon removed June 1999 and the takedown in October of 1999. My husband was always by side whenever I was sick. And was also very understanding of the not so pretty side of this disease. So that was one of hardest things to get over.

It was on September 21st, I went to Sandusky to get a few groceries. I felt and looked like crap! And I ran into some of our friends and talked to them for a little bit. I was a little embarrassed. I don't want people's pity or them to feel sorry for me. Then on my drive home, I said to myself "Wendy, how many times are you going to allow yourself to be rejected by the same man before you will f#$#*@% get it!" At that moment I told myself that I was an amazing person and I WILL find someone else that will treat me like I deserve to be treated. I felt like the weight of the world had lifted off my shoulders and I finally felt at peace with myself.

A week and a half later, still doing great!! I see him when he picks up the kids and the feelings are gone. I have no regrets because I did everything to save my marriage. He is the one that lost the best thing he ever had. All I can say is hang in there!! I also wasn't much of a church goer, but I did go a few times to church and prayed and prayed and prayed. I also figured that if this is the path God has chosen, it is for a reason. Not sure what that reason is yet, but I will find out eventually.

I will be praying for you!! Also, this website is also a great place to get things off your chest. And also lots and lots of support.

Bish,
It sounds like you have come out of this unhappy experience a stronger person! What you did to help your self with counseling, church, antidepressants, friends etc. was the magic combination for you! I know people that have been stuck in self pity for decades after a divorce. You are a wonderful example for your precious children.

Toughenough,

Wow, thank you! And yes, my children are my little angels!! I wanted to show them that life will go on and you can make it thru just about anything. Love the quote also!!

Hey guys...Just an update. I changed from Zoloft and to Lexapro and most of the burning chest and gut has subsided for the most part. I think whats left is still the stress and broken heart. It has gotten a little better i guess. I still go through the day where i get an overwhelming feeling of sadness and self pity. but its no longer constant. We saw a family law lawyer that we both kind of know through our daughters being friends in the daycare. We have agreed for the most part on what and where we are splitting possesions and monies. We agreed on shared parenting, which is similar to joint. they will be staying with wife. i get them every wednesday and every other weekend and holidays and such we plan on doing things as a family.Wednesdays wont be much, since i work till 5 and they are in bed by 8:30 at the latest. I am in search of a townhouse/condo right by my job, which is right down the street from their school.This whole situation sucks, but gotta move on even though I will always love my wife till day that i die no matter what.The talk with my kids will be approaching quickly, and dont think i will ever be ready for that. The wife was out of town this weekend visiting her sister so I took the girls to church, which we usually only go 1-2 times a year. Of course the sermon was on Divorce. Whats the odds? unreal.

Maybe that's the reason you had the urge to go to church. Depending on what was said, your girls have heard about it now so hopefully can understand it all better.

I'm so glad the change in antidepressants is working better for you. It appears as you are accepting what is coming down the road.

Thank you for updating us.

Pouchomarx,

Don't laugh but my therapist told me that doing volunteer work is excellent for depression. I agree because when I volunteer my time and talents for cooking for Thanksgiving for the Poor and Christmas, I am too busy to think of anything else and I feel good about me.

Just a thought that might help you with your current situation.

My marriage has been over for years so I understand where you are coming from.

Rocket

UPDATE... hey guys. Heres where I am right now. I am still living in the house and we are for the most part civil.We have our heated arguments but not in front of the kids. I found an awesome townhouse that i bought for a really good price. Its a 3 bedroom as well which was nice since i have 2 girls. I get the keys on Dec.5th and will move out for good on that date. we are telling our daughters this weekend. I dont want to have it in fear of how they will react. The final dissolusion papers are signed and probably have a court date by mid December. We are still having dinner at my mother inlaws like always and i will stay at the house on xmas eve for xmas day. Its good we are getting along for the girls sakes. I have gotten better. I have my day here and there where i get out a good cry for about 20 minutes. still seeing therapist once a week and on my Lexapro. Not sure what i will do once beginning of the year kicks in and insurance? my visits now are like $13.00 out of pocket and beginning of year before deductible is met its going to be like $65.00 a week. Funds will be tight after i move out so not sure what to do about it. The whole situation sucks but it is what it is. I cant make her love me, so I will learn to love myself and put everything into my girls. Its going to be tough though not seeing them for a few days at a time. My soon to be x said i can pick them up for a late lunch if i can to break it up of not seeing them. I will have alot of freetime now so, i plan on getting some more ink, lol. wife didnt want alot on me but now its on...lol. also going to take guitar lessons. i have always wanted to play. and maybe do some volunteer work somewhere.and buy some new clothes. Shes gonna be jealous and regret she ever left me.... eventually.. lol