My world has just collapsed......

Unfortunately, I don't have administrative rights as far as dealing with user accounts. I only can delete or edit posts.

This sounds like something that needs to go to Bill J. I wonder if someone hacked in?

Jan

Thanks Jan, has this happened to anyone else?

Poucho I hope you are having a restful holiday weekend.

Ronald McColon is the same person as Dog Day. I doubt he had anything to do with hacking; he's just plain annoying.

Sue

I did send a message to Bill to look into the issue. I suppose it is possible he deactivated the wrong account...unlikely though.

Jan

I wish I had advice, but I think nothing I would say would be right. I wish for you that things begin to improve. Prayers to you.

Dear Poucho,

You mentioned you worry for your children and they will be so messed up if they know you and your wife are no longer together.

Kids are resilient. I am a product of divorced parents. Both of them provided me love and attention. Which is what really matters. As long as they know they are loved, that is all that matters to them. I grew up in two separate homes and still got great grades and went to my state school. You also mentioned your daughter and you butting heads, it may seem bad now, but again, as long as you are butting heads over important things like proper behavior and work ethic, she will grow up to respect and appreciate the way you helped her grow. Even if it takes to her college years to admit it. I butted heads with my parents about plenty of little things, when I reached college and had some retrospection, I finally recognized all the things they made me do or not do was to ultimately make me a better person.

I am going to start taking Zoloft tomorrow. I have started talking to therapist this past weekend as well.I miss my wife even though i still live with her.

quote:

I miss my wife even though i still live with her.

I can't imagine what that must be like.

Good luck with the therapist and the treatment.

ditto

the Zoloft kept me up most of the night last night. first time taking it. hopefully it will get better for me. I am so very depressed right now.whats the saying?, if you dont have your health, you have nothing. I guess that about sums it up for me.

I have read through this thread and think its so sad and fee so bad for you.

I often say to people that if they could live y life for one day, they would be a wreck after only a few hours.

My honest opinions that we have every right to be negative, sad, depressed. J-pouch alone is mind blowingly life changing and difficult to live with. Add to that complications and you have a recipe for misery.

When you describe how you have changed and then reverted automatically and it's all your fault, your wrong. All your doing is being affected by depression. You can't decide to turn off depression because your loved one is sick of you being depressed.

Your a man who has been through a traumatic few years and has subsequently been affected mentally. Maybe feelings of negativity are not so misplaced when things constantly go wrong.

I wonder if your wife thinks you wake up everyday and consciously decides to feel sad and negative.

I'm so sorry for your loss but I think you are more blameless than you think.

Just think how blessed you are to have two beautiful kids.

Pouchomarx, I agree with Mancester. Before I became ill, my husband finally went to marriage counseling with me a few times while we were separated and well on the divorce train.

The first thing she said, before she knew anything about us, was that the problems with our marriage are 50/50. I couldn't see that at all I thought it was 100% his fault.

Here's an example. We both had demanding jobs and kids around 11 and 9 years old. I worked more hours than he did and commuted an hour a day while his daily commute was 10 minutes each way. I hired a cleaning lady to come every other week. A few times into it he came up with an excuse to fired her. I hired a 2nd lady and a few months later he fired her. I thought he was wrong in this, she said he was but it was my fault and I should have kept hiring them and to quit acting like a door mat. I'd never thought about it that way.

I hope you can see, through my example, that it is not all of your fault.

That was in our 15th year and we've been married 36 years. I was first diagnosed with UC in 1997 but had it for years before I was diagnosed. He lived in an apartment for 6 months and was paying me child support. The divorce was close to being done before he moved back home. So I think there is always hope, especially if neither partner has commuted adultery, for a reconciliation.

My illness is now causing problems as we are both frustrated.

You are taking positive steps by working on you. I am far from well mentally but am facing my problems in therapy. Hopefully down the road both of you could go to a marriage counselor. I didn't like my first therapist so found another one that understands chronic pain and how it has worn me down over the years.

My husband has been having frequent rages but the rest of the time he is awesome. He is going through this along with me. Before counseling I would have thought his rages were my fault, now I know they aren't. He blows up over stupid little things, like "how" I say something and I don't blame myself for them anymore.

Marriage takes a lot of work. I just got approved for social security disability and they consider my condition as not likely to improve. While I'm glad to receive the needed benefits. This ruling has depressed me more as all I've been trying to do is get better for 20 months. I have other problems along with my j-pouch ones. We know we are depressed, etc. but knowing it and telling ourselves to get over it hasn't worked for me. I need the therapy and medications.

God Bless you and your family

I am so sorry Poucho that you are going through all of this. I will keep you in my prayers. It sounds like your wife has been there for you through most of this but the constant negativity and depression has weighed on her mentally and physically too and she is taking steps to stay strong for herself and your children. It is easy to forget what our spouses go through during all of this and blaming anyone is pointless. While your marriage may indeed be over, you still need to work with your wife to maintain a good relationship so that you can partner with her in raising your children. If you two have a good relationship it will be much better for the kids. It sounds like you are a caring and loving father who cares very much about his family. Also it is important that you work through your depression issues so that you can be there for them. And although you say it is over, I would never stop hoping. If you can get mentally where you need to be, you may be able to work things out with your wife after all.

RWNC.you basically just said what my wife told me to a tee. Its very hard, but i understand her thoughts. I was not a good husband. I was never abusive physically or mentally, but just not being there for her, I feel horrible for her when she laid it all out there of how i have not been there for her physically or emotionally. I know this illness and my issues are the direct cause of this. I could just never get past it and fell into this depression. We tried marriage counseling and i stopped going, she told me numerous times i need to start being a man, a better husband, and better father or she would be done with the marriage. I always thought i could make it work, and i fell short... very short. I am so messed up right now. Have not really eaten in over a week, losing weight. Its tough to be at work cuz every little thing reminds me and i start crying. Now this Zoloft i started taking a few days ago has pretty much kept me up for 3 days with insomnia. I am going to switch to taking it in morning starting tomorrow. We are still talking and figuring out when and where i will go. Probably after holidays i will get apartment right down the street so i can be close to my daughters.And try to explain it to a 6 1/2 and 5 year old.My oldest started at a new catholic school 2 weeks ago and is having behavior issues.I am more scared for the kids i think.I know we can work together and be parents for the girls and be friends. But right now, I am trying to come to terms that my marriage is pretty much over.
"If you dont have your health, you have nothing" my new motto.

Manchester and Toughenough,

My situation is somewhat similar to Pouchomarx. I am a man, married 25 years this past May and my marriage is over also.

My wife and her family blamed me for being sad and depressed like I had a choice of being so sick. The fact of the matter is, that when you have a chronic condition of such an illness that will never go away, its only natural that this causes a person to become depressed. That is just how human beings are. You do the best you can but when I had UC, then all the surgeries and pain assoicated with it, it is extramely difficult to be upbeat and positive. My wife and her family always made me feel that I had no right to become sad over my illness, like I am some kind of robot.

I have been on anti-depressants too and would love to get off of them. When I have pouchitis, I now internalize it and do not complain like I used to, but my defenses are down, I become more sensitive with my feelings and get hurt easily by critical comments.

When I do not have pouchitis, I am stronger and I do not take those kinds of comments like that but with a grain of salt. Then my attitude is I couldn't care less what people think of me.

Wife said the same thing and went through the same thoughts that Pouchmarx's wife said too. We had small children at that time. During my 1st 3 surgeries, we had no kids. In 1995, my son was born and in 1997, my daughter was born and in 1999, I had a major bowel obstruction that should have killled me as I lost 32 inches of small bowel due to gangrene.

We sought counseling on 3 separate occassions. The first time was in 1998, then in 2002 and 2004. My therapist, a man, was a jackass. My wife would go one time on each occassion but I had to go all the time as everything was my fault. Never once did he call my wife out how she would verbally abuse me time and time again, she physically abused me time, cursed at me and screamed. If my opinion differed then my wife, she would call me "F___ing Stupid." Yet my therepist only pointed out how my illness affected my wife. Our illness causes us a lot of stress. For me, having a wife who acts like a mental case and is a Narcissist, only adds to the stress of our life and makes our illness that much worse.

My therapist would tell me when we were alone that my wife cannot take constructive criticism and it has to be her way or the highway for me. He told me in 1998 that my marriage is doomed for failure unless I would be willing to be a puppet on a string and controlled. In 2004, he said my wife likes to be tough on you so she can control you.

Yet when we met together with him, this was never brought up. Just what I do that causes my wife aggravation.

Pouchomarx, perhaps with the right therapist, you and your wife can make it. Yes, your wife feels neglected and it is not easy for someone to live with someone who has a chronic condition that affects them mentally, physically and spiritually.

Depression is an illness and many people have it and has had it over the years. Many depressed people have been successful I might add. Two people, Abraham Lincoln and Winston Churchill both suffered from depression.

I think you are correct in taking some accountability for your mistakes and trying your best, but don't beat yourself up. The past is the past.

In regards to your wife or mine especially, if we were to put this in reverse, what would we do? I mean, if my wife say got Cancer and was sick and there was no hope of getting better, would I file for divorce because she has Cancer? No because Cancer is a sickness just like Depression is. My honest opinion is the spouse who wants a divorse because the other person is depressed is very shallow.

My other advice to you is to pray and meditate and ask the Lord to help you during this difficult time. As humans, we are all weak and small and have no control really on our life. We have a free will to make the right and wrong decision. God has complete and the ultimate control of our life and He loves you so much and wants you to come to Him.

Rocket

Rocket, are you still married? If so I feel for you. Life is too short.

I wish you'd had/have your own therapist. If I didn't have mine I don't know how I'd be dealing with all of this now. Your therapist must have been intimidated by your wife. That or a lousy therapist. Probably both.

I think I wrote in here that I also have fibromyalgia and various other autoimmune problems and am receiving Social Security Disability. The "award" letter said improvement not expected. That's set me back a lot. It's like it sucked the hope out of me. The other 2 categories are "medical improvement possible and improvement possible". My case also went through review.

My husband is so active and I'm so not. I feel he might leave me sometimes. I know I'm a drag but I keep trying. I know I'd still be here if he was the ill one. Every once in a while he looses it but is mostly good about everything.

I know people don't like to hear people carry on about how they feel so I try not to complain about it all the time. Sounds like you. I think that maybe we should complain more so they see how bad it is, but I think you are right. I have printed out threads from this site before, highlighted them and left them on my husband's PC in the past.

I feel for everyone who is dealing with relationship problems along with depression &/or anxiety too. Most of us are not crazy but are situationally depressed.

Poucho,

We have had a major organ removed from our body that is responsible for more than just the elimination of waste. Check out this article from the nytimes.

http://www.nytimes.com/2005/08....html?pagewanted=all

I read your posts, and I can relate. In my experience, I find that I am not the same person I used to be. I have a hard time being interested in life activities that I like/enjoy, never mind my wife or daughter. I feel like the surgery I had 20+ years ago took out more than my colon, it took out a big part of who I was. I don't even know how to explain it, I just know that others will be able to relate.

I know that my body is out of "balance", something is missing. I have tried about 4 different antidepressant medications, but so far, none have worked. It is as if I have lost the ability to experience certain types of feelings. Very strange, but, it is the best that I can do to describe how my life has been impacted by IBD.

God Bless,
Markus

Toughenough,

That is true, life is too short to go on and on like this. You are right about my therapist on both counts.

In the eyes of God and the laws, yes I am still married. We live like room-mates. I sleep in the old nursery that is also now an office so I have very little living space. I cook and clean after myself and so forth and it has been this way since June, 2006.

Two reasons why I stay. The first reason is my two children. My son as ADHD and is 17 yrs old and my daughter is 15. In 3 years my daughter graduates high school so I am looking at leaving then. I do not trust my wife around my kids because when she looses it, she will yell and scream at them too. A few of my neighbors, on more then one occassion said that when my wife and kids were doing yard work while I was at work, they have heard my wife curse and scream at the kids. She would call my daughter a "F___in Bitch" for example. She is worse towards my son.

A couple of months ago, when my wife was doing the same thing to my son, I told her that what she is doing is considered abuse and she really got ticked off at me. But the neighbor told me that my wife was concerned about what I said so maybe I put her on her heels if you will. Therefore, as their father, even if my life depends on it, I cannot leave.

Secondly, since my wife can not hold a full time job, she has worked for several schools teaching either high school or grammer school English, she uses the "F" word all the time. This past January she was fired for telling an 8th grade student to shut the "F" up.

So she is collecting unemployment. When I saw an attorney last year, she told me that because I am married over 20 years, the laws still say that I have to provide my wife and kids the same kind of financial support that she currently has.

My attorney said I would have to pay $700 month in child support until they are out of college. No problem for me there. I would also have to pay my wife alimoney of $1,7000 a month UNTIL I RETIRE. That is a hard pill to swallow. Of course that would be reduced if my wife gets some kind of job. But as for now, that would cost me $2,400 a month. My take home pay is $3,800 a month so that leaves me with $1,400 a month to survive.

I have tried to find a a 2 bedroom town house or a small house to rent with an option to buy. I refuse to put money into an apartemt because even there it cost over $1,000 a month. The cheapest home in Flemington I could find would cost me $1,200 a month. That leaves me with $200 to pay for gas for my car which cost me about $35 a week so that is $140 per month. So that leaves me with $60 a month to pay for utilities, food, taxes and hopefully no unforseen costs. That is impossible.

Our house is paid for and its worth about $400k so if we sell the house, and after we pay off any of our joint credit card bills, then you have fees to buy a new house, I would have a deposit to buy something but I would have to dip into my 401k which I do not want to do in order to not have more then a $40k mortgage.

So I stay where I am for now.

Rocket

Rocket,

It sounds like you have it all figured out. I thought it was hard for women to get alimony these days. It's not your fault she can't hold a job. I see why you are waiting for your children to get out of high school and are 18. Too bad there's no way to just divorce her and you take care of the kids. But, such is life.

toughenough,

I have talked to a few men I know and a couple of them are divorced. Financially, men get screwed so I know that is what will happen, regardless if I leave now, tomorrow, when ever.

The kids would stay with her since she is their mother. My attorney said so. If I had to pay alimoney for a period of time, like 3 to 5 years, then I would file for Divorce when my kids are out of high school.

But getting screwed like this, I would always have to feel chained to my wife of giving her alimoney when I want her and her family out of my life, forever. The only time I want to see them is if their is an event with my kids like graduation, or they get married, things like that.

It is sad really. I am 56 yrs old and the outlook on my life is bleak. Because of this, I will never have a relationhip again because I would not be able to afford one. In addition, I have a bitter taste in my mouth anyway about getting involved anyway. I am pretty much set in my ways and won't compromise my stance if I ever did meet a nice woman this time. I mean, if she wanted to get married, I would want her to sign a pre nup aggreement. I will not get screwed financially again. She would have to have to hold the same religious values I do, she would have to be a conservative, not liberal, and most important, she would have to respect me and treat me with common courtesy. I never got that at home in my marriage and with her family. Therefore, I will have to spend the rest of my days alone because Ido realize it would not be fair to the woman.

Oh, my wife would also be entitled to my pension and I still would have to keep her on the family insurance plan.

Rocket

toughenough,

I actually want to be treated with repect, more so then being loved by a woman. I did not get that from my wife.

Rocco

Rocket,
I don't know where you live but am assuming the USA. No wonder my husband's lawyer said it was a good thing I had such a good job, when we almost got divorced. That was over 20 years ago.

I've prepared income tax returns for 25 years and have rarely seen alimony for more than 5 years. If it makes you feel better, she would have to pay income tax on it and you'd get to deduct it on the first page of your taxes so it would also lower you AGI. You probably knew that.

She is entitled to half of your 401k, I'm assuming you have been married for most of your career. If she has any thing saved for retirement that would be factored in as well. This goes for all assets including the home 50/50.

The rules are to protect the spouse. For instance, if you just dumped her it wouldn't be fair for her to not receive half,like the men did in the olden days.

She obviously has a degree and wouldn't that have to be considered? It's not like she has no education of occupation. The fact that she quits loosing jobs is her problem.

If she is a bad mother you could get custody. It sounds like she is an abuser bully type of person.

I'm 56 too, where did the time go? My warranty ran out at age 40, that's when things started down hill and a year later came the UC diagnosis. The damn disease has robbed us and so many others. I'm on social security disability and also from an insurance I paid for 25 years as well. I'd rather work. Besides my UC problems I also have fibromyalgia and some other problems that factor in.

I wonder what would happen if you became disabled and you couldn't work anymore. How do you get $$ from "Zero"?

I have a former friend that is horrible to her husband and we don't understand why he stays married to her. It could be for similar reasons like yours.

Take care and keep hanging in there.

Thoughenough,

Thank you for responding to me. Things you
said I did not know.

I had heard similar things that alimoney would only be 3 or 5 years myself. Maybe that has changed in NJ. I didn't think about my wife having to pay taxes on alimoney while I can factor that in my income tax.

You mentioned if my wife if she has anything saved for her retirement. Her grandfather who just just 100 yrs old has many investments over the years. He is a millionare. I don't know how many millions but he has swiss bank accouts, gold gosh so much. He paid for all the kids school eductation right through College. He is a genius. However, I don't know how much will be going to my wife. This past Christmas he gave his three grandchilden $10,000.

I suppose my wife has a at least 3 or 400k that is for her in a trust. But I am not entitled to one penny. Stupid me signed a pre-nup before I got married.

She is a bully. Its due to her own insecurities. I had tried to make it work but that was a waste of time so now its over. I told my priest once in confession about lots of things and was asked if my wife said she was sorry, truly sorry, would I forgive her and invest in the marriage? Initialy I said NO but deep down, that is one of the hardest things I have to do in my life before I die. I have to forgive my wife, certarin members of her family for all the rotten ways I was treated. I have to forgive or God will not forgive me either.
As far as taking her back? NO. I wouldn't believe her anyway.

If I did, then I would have to also put up with all stupid comments from my FIL and BIL and one SIL. My FIL who follows no religion but because I am a practicing Catholic, every family function he would always say the same thing to me. Jesus and the Gospel is full of ****. And this went on for almost 20 years. No matter how polite I was about it telling him to stop its offensive and so forth he would laugh. So now I don't care if he ever says that again. If he did, I would only say to my FIL; I have known you for over 25 years and when I first met you, I thought I misjudged you. And I did misjudge you. You're a lot more ignorant then I thought.

One time my parents her parents came to our house for dinner. I don't think we had any kids yet. Anyway, the way they talk they make themselves superior to you. Both my parents are Italian and my dad was born in Italy.

Anyway, topic of conversation was ok in the beginning, small talk, you know, where did you w meet? My FIL also was in WWII as an airforce photographer. He was never engagged in battle and was always station in Italy.

So he shares when my wife, who is the oldest of 3 girls. What he is going to say I had heard at least 10 times. During dinner he tells my parents that they thought they were going to have a boy instead. My mom said you got surprised. My FIL said that the first thing he said to my MIL in the hospital was "Lets hope she does not marry a "Guniea." And then of course he laughs. My parents were silent after that. My wife said nothing.

If it was me, and my parents talked that way to her parents, I would tell them their cruel comments are not used here and since you cannot talk intellegent, get out of my house and stay out until you apologize.

No apology ever came.
Rocket

Rocket,

I read your posts and wonder how you ever ended up married to this woman, with whom you seem to have virtually nothing in common. It really sounds like a brutal situation.

Regarding the so called "older generation" and those kinds of ethnic slurs/stereotyping, over the years I heard the same kind of comments from some members of my father's family. My father is Eastern European Catholic and my mother is Jewish. My father's family was totally against him marrying a Jew. In fact, one of my Great Uncles, back in 1961, sent a telegram to my father urging him not to marry my mother. My father still has the telegram. In relevant part it states, "we had such high hopes for you............"

Ironically that Great Uncle and my mother ended up becoming fairly close and enjoyed a pretty good relationship. My father still laughs about that telegram - his usual joke is, "what did he think, I was going to some day be President of the USA?". He has been married to my mother 51 years and his marriage, sorry to say, worked out quite a bit better than yours did.

Rocket, I hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and a way out of these marriage messes for both you and Poucho.

Not sure if this is true, but I know someone who lives in New Jersey and is divorced. In New Jersey the law is lifetime alimony. I know they are trying to change it, but this man I know has to pay his ex $6,000 a month for life.

Hey Rocco,

I had no idea you were in such a horrible marriage. I remember Greg mentioning it once but I didn't know it was to this degree.

I know I don't you extremely well, but from the times I have met and spoken to you, I haven't met a nicer person than you. You have a lot to offer someone and it's a shame you have to be stuck in this marriage with someone treating you so poorly.

If you ever have any financial questions, don't hesitate to give Greg a call.

Is your pouchitis finally gone now?

Rocket,

Did you tell the attorney about your wife's large trust? I do believe this would factor in to any alimony. Inheritances if not commingled with the marital assets belong to only the spouse that inherits it. That prenup might end up biting her in the a$$.

It sounds to me like you might want to consult with a good CPA and get some more legal advice. If there is anyway you can get out of this marriage please do. Your children are almost grown and the tension between you and your wife has to be affecting them too. I think I was the only kid in the world that never wanted her folks to get back together.

I'm a CPA but license is in an in-active status as due to my health I can't work anymore. I don't know about NJ law and I'm not offering a professional opinion.

From my personal experience, I never have or will receive any kind of apology or respect from those that have been horrible and disrespectful to me. In order to receive a real apology they first have to admit that their actions were wrong. Apologies that say "I'm sorry if you got upset by something I said" is not an "I'm sorry for what I did to you." They are like the sociopath that can murder and feel no remorse and sleep well at night.

God bless you and your family.

DJBHusky,

You asked the question, how did I ever marry a woman like this when we have nothing in common? That begins from my childhood actually and thankfully, I have come to terms with that part of my life and forgiven all I need to forgive from my youth. I will try to make this short as possible but you will understand as it explains who I was, not who I am right now.

In my world, I am the 2nd of 5 children and growing up, there were a lot of Italian relatives in my small neighboorhood. I grew up with my paternal grandparents and a dysfuncitonal family.

I was abused as a child from the earliest I can remember. My grandmother, who spoke no english physically and verberaly abused me. For example. When I was 7, my mom and I were playing cards in the kitchen when she asked me to change the channel on the TV to watch Gunsmoke which I did and then returned to the kitchen. Next thing I know, I was socked in the side of the head and knocked to the floor. A fight ensued between my mom and grandmother and I went looking for my mom outside as my grandfather also went on the attack. It was dark outside and I found my mom, her face all scratched and bleeding. This was not firts time or the last time. Another time, I had gotten an LIONEL electric train set from Santa, but I would have to play it on a sneak because of my grandmother. After Christmas vacation was over, it didn't take long for what happen next. My job was to take the garbage out. When I got home from school, to bring the garbage can back in, on the bottom of the can was the saturated boxes of my train set. It was thrown out. Another time, there was an accident where I hit my brother in the head as all of us kids were throwing stones in a ditch. When we got back home, my dad hit me with the strap and he and my mom took my brother to the doctor. My grandmother favored my older brother as he was named after my grandfather. Then in front of my aunt, my dad's sister, my cousins too, my grandmother caught me. Tied my hands to a tree, took a stick and beat me on the back, enough to cause bleeding.

As I got older, my daily prayer to God was to either take me or my grandmother. Also, adult relatives would tell me either I was no good, I will never amount to anything because I was a fresh kid and I am a jackass and so forth. I must have been about 9 or 10 and when I asked my mom why do they have to say such things, she told me to just ignore them. Well, my mom's comment only told me that she agreed with them, otherwise she would have said something but didn't. I was not old enough to defend myself against an adult.

As I got older, the comments would still be the same and then I would tell them to go F themselves.

So growing up, I had NO self-esteem. Not little self esteem but none. Consequently as I got older, especially beginning in high school, if I saw a girl I was attracted to, my first thought was always the same. This girl is really pretty, but who would want to be seen with a looser like me.

So when I met my wife, who was only the 9th girl I ever dated and I was 30 yrs old, I was willing to accept anyone who would accept me. Even after we were engaged, she would yell and curse me out at times but my thought then was "Well at least someone wants me."

Now I am no longer that person. Quite honestly, I am much too good for my wife. I am glad I am not anything like her or her family. Looking back, when they would critize me I now look at this as the more they would condemn me and make me feel stupid, the more I know that I am doing the right thing. That just confirms that what I am doing is right in the eyes of God who really matters most.

Rocket

Hi Marianne,

My pouchitis is gone. I saw my GI last week and its just slightly inflamed so I have to stay on the Canasa Suppository. I will get in touch with Greg when ever I am prepared to make that move. Right now, I can't as my kids need me.

I only touched on some of the major hightlights but it was very paiful to put up with this for so long.

Thank you for such a warm compliment. To this day, compliments make me feel uncomfortable as I am not used to it but am trying. I wish I could be a little more resourceful and take a more fight then flight attitude but I am learning. As far as people talking down to me, I no longer take any of that garbage anymore and will respond based on what I get and have no concern how my response is. Meaning I will get as cruel and nasty without any remorse what-so-ever. But it still takes a lot for someone to push my buttons to that point as I do not like to do that. But if I have to, I will. My attitude is I don't care if people hate me or not, but they will respect me or I will no longer associate with that person.

I try to live a way of "I won't be wronged. I won't be insulted. I won't be laid a-hand on. I don't do these things to other people, and I require the same from them." I love this quote and its from the movie "The Shootist" with John Wayne.

Rocco

Toughenough,

Thanks for your advice. The CPA I would use is Greg, Marianne's husband. That makes me more confident with your reply regarding how her inheritance may bite her in the a$$.

At home, I do not argue with my wife at all. However, if she says something I don't like, I will confront it and let her have it. Not in an argumentive way, but just to show her that I will no longer put up with her junk. I don't swear at her or in my house at all. When she swears at me over a disagreement, I just tell her that this conversation is over and will talk to her as only an adult as soon as you calm down and act like one.

Understand your personal experience too. Wife and her family have never apolgized to me either. I used to hope for it but don't anymore. The reason they or anyone else does not aplogize is because they are weak. A strong person are the only ones able to have remorse and apolgize but they think that by saying their sorry, is a sign of weekness, not a sign of strength.

The family just thinks they have all the correct answers to like and fell they know everything there is to know about everything. Most of them all curse worse then a stable boy.

However, they feel they speak proper english grammer, being their mom has a masters in English. A few years ago, when I was over the house of my SIL for their 2 children's B'Day, proper grammer came up in conversation. My SIL said that her husband, who was working that day, said they had a conversation about this and her husband said, and I will never forget it; "People who do not have command of the English Language, when they speak, they make themselves look like an Idiot, and that is the Repsect they deserve." The family all nods in agreement. I was horrified and said nothing since wife and family all ready had problems with me. However, since my then 10 yr old daughter was sitting there, i spoke to her that evening and told her; "That no matter if a person is tall or short, heave or thin, black or white, educated or not, you need to treat each person with Christian Charity the way Jesus did, you understand? My daughter said yes.

As I said before, these people are not my kind of people, thank God.

Rocco

Rocket,

Thanks for sharing, brought a few tears to my eyes. I empathize with you as I was physically and emotionally abused by my mother after my parents divorced. Fortunately I got out of her way when my father and step-mother rescued me at age 13.

I'm in weekly therapy and during one of the first sessions I had to go back to the first trauma of mine, as I have PTSD, depression and anxiety. It was mommy trauma and there are too many attacks to remember. My mother has not changed towards me as an adult, except it's more passive agressive with crazy rants now . I use to get a UC flare every time I saw her - this is as an adult. My therapist asked me if she deserved a relationship with me and the conclusion is NO. No more putting up with her and I'm thankful she lives 500 miles away!

You had more abuse including enablers than I did. It's a miracle you turned out so well. I say, the best thing my mother taught me was how NOT to be a mother.

I hope that you will be able to break free sooner than later.

God Bless you

toughenough,

I am so sorry you had to suffer so much. I know that is hard. I had been in therapy too and although I forgave those people from my past, I did have to relive my story to my therapist back in Sept of last year and cried again. I can now talk about it without crying as I have moved on.

Thankfully, what was done to me I never repeated that with my children. Had anyone come into my home and talked to my kids that way, I probably would have grabbed them by the neck and throw them through the window, telling them never to return. And I would not care who it was.

All of my siblings had to be in therepy at one time or another due to our home life during our growing up years. My parents did not know any better. I forgave them for that, and have moved on. They told me they were sorry about 5 years ago. They had no idea that I wanted my own death since I was a kid.

Surprisingly, I had every opportunity to do drugs in my high school years 1970-1974 and I told my therapist as a teen, I had every right to do so, but somehow I never did. I don't know why I never did it either. I thought about it at the time, but never did. It certainly would have been my escape at that time. My younger brother experimented with drugs and alcohol since he was 15. He was an alocohic as a teenage already yet none of us knew it. i had my own problems to even notice it.

My brother told me that if it wasn't for his wife who he met in 1987, he would be dead by now. His wife refused to get serious with him unless he chose her over drugs. They loved each other then, but she asked him to choose her or the drugs.

As I got older, my grandmother would attack him too, but this time, I defended my brother. One time, I took my grandmother and my mother shopping and as I was driving home, she wanted me to turn the radio off and I wouldn't. It was not loud either. As I was driving down a hill, I could see kids on their bikes and my gradmother took her purse and slammed it into my face. Thankfully, I did not get in an accident but I hit her so hard in the leg, she could barely walk. That was when I was 20 and she was 85. No one was as strong as my grandmother who lived to be 101. At least that was the last time she hit me.

Rocket

still having such a hard time with this. it has not let up. I have this burning,wretching feeling in my gut. i dont know what i should do? i have not eaten barely anything in over a week. just the thought of food makes me want to vomit.

Poucho, The same thing you are going through happened to me. My whole world crashed around down around me. I was sick couldent eat,i cried thinking about my kids. i loved my wife so much but she had made up her mind that it was over.Just please know that it will get better the pain in your heart will go away. You can still be a good dad. You will always be those little ones dad, no one can take that away from you!Talk to people as much as you can. Church helped me, there was people there that really cared.Please keep your chin up IT WILL GET BETTER!

Please make yourself eat some protein at least. You need to take care of yourself for your precious children.

22 years ago I asked my husband to leave as he refused going to marriage counselling. I feel so bad for you as know my husband went through a similar hard time. I immediately lost 15 pounds. She is going through a hard time too.

He made an appointment with a marriage counselor and it worked. We will be celebrating our 37th wedding anniversary in a few months.

I don't know if marriage counselling would help save your marriage. I also went into counselling by myself and it helped. I felt numb towards him and only went to counselling for the sake of our children. Deep down inside I still loved him.

If there is just the tiniest spark of love it may take a while for her to recognize it. My husband moved to an apartment and was out of the house for 6 months. She might come around like I did.

It's never going to be over as regardless of the outcome of your separation you will be in each other's lives as you parent your children together.

Take care and God Bless you and your family.

I know its only been a week on the Zoloft, but I still feel a pain I have never felt before. I still have this horrible burning in my whole chest and no appetite and hardly eating. I can start crying at any thought of my wife.I really dont know what to do here. I had a guy quit at work so i am trying to interview new candidates and i have to leave for San Diego on monday for 3 days. I am an emotional mess. Really havent slept either. a couple times a day i get these anxiety attacks i think. heart start racing,shaking, etc... I take a Xanax, but not sure its helping. Am i going crazy? Am i going to have a breakdown here? I am scared.

I don't know if you are headed to a breakdown, but it does not sound like Zoloft is doing what you need it to do. You should call your doctor and explain your symptoms. Could be that you need something in addition to the Zoloft. Xanax is fine for the occasional anxiety attack, but it sounds like you are in a perpetual state of anxiety, ready to crumble at any moment. For this, you need something more steady in your system, if only temporarily to get you through this slump. Maybe something like Paxil? I don't know too much about it. But, my step-mom was on it for depression/anxiety disorder, and it was considered pretty safe, even for an elderly woman.

Obviously, you need more than help from a pill bottle, but I also see how it is necessary to function in daily life while you work through this.

Jan

Pouchomarx,

I agree with Jan.

Maybe the 3 days out of your environment will help you get some sleep. The hardest thing for me to do when leaving town is packing. When I'm full of anxiety and/or depression it is difficult to make up my mind for some reason and I am a super planner. My solution is to pack whatever I think I might want or need. This results in taking at least twice what I need but it gets me out of the house. What would be the worst thing that could happen if I didn't bring something I needed? I'd have to go buy it when I get there.

I don't know why I offered my travel trip other than to hopefully lessen your anxiety. It is nothing like the normal me.

I use to travel 10 weeks a year for work and I had packing down to an Art and never took a thing I didn't need. I remember one of my co-workers forgot to pack socks - we all wore suits. I offered to take him to K-Mart and he fretted about it as their quality of sockw was not what he was use to. I thought that was the silliest thing but I understand it now. He was an emotional wreck most of the time - like me now. I'm glad I didn't make fun of him now.

Well its been about 3 weeks on the Zoloft and Xanax when needed, but I still dont feel well. My heart hurts so badly. Still not eating enough,and crying comes and goes.Its not as much lately but the pain in my heart will not subside. My wife and I have talked on and off about the situation and says she really feels bad about how i am feeling but she has felt alone the past few years and finally has gotten to a point where she cant turn back. She loves me and wants me to really work on me, but the marriage is basically over. Shes pretty sure she will never get those feelings back for me as a husband. I am struggling at work, but the feelings just come over me throughout the day.should i give the Zoloft more time to kick in? and if not feeling any differently how do i know when/if to up dosage and even change to something else like Lexapro? My family lives out of state and i still have not told them, or any of my good friends. Some people at work here know, but really havent had anyone to talk to.its eating me alive.

Poucho,

I suggest you check with your doctor. I don't know the dosages of Zoloft but with the antidepressants I take she started me out at lower doses and then increased them several times so I'm at the max on one and on a less that max dosage on another. Yes I am on 2 different kinds plus a small dose of a 3rd at night that is suppose to help with my headaches.

I was only on one kind before the surgeries. My Internist thinks I need a change so is having me evaluated by the psychiatrist where I go for therapy.

You have been talking with a therapist too right? It would be good for you to talk to a good friend or family member about this. If you don't want your family to know yet I guess that rules out the family member. Keeping it festering inside does not help.

I keep remembering how I felt at this stage of our almost divorce and I thought I was out of love with my husband too. I only went to the marriage counselor because of our children and I had pleaded too long for him to go and had to since he set it up. I figured we were going to have to learn how to get along for their sake.

I wish you could get away for a break, a small mental health vacation. Could you go visit a family member or friend a few hours away? Living in the same house is probably very difficult for you right now.

I don't mean to give you false hope. You need to prepare for the worst case and hope for something better.