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134 replies

My world has just collapsed......

G Guest
With all my medical issues in the past and current. My world has basically just fell apart. My wife is more than 99.9% she wants to move on without me. It has been a struggle mentally,physically, and financially on my family. We have talked and she gave me numerous times to try and fix myself mentally and I guess I never took it seriously enough. I have been checked out since my surgeries over 4 years ago. I have just never dealt with the anger and depression from it all. My wife and I have basically been roomates for the past 2 years. I have never been there for her and always put myself before her. I would try and change but always reverted back without really realizing I was doing it again. I have never physically or mentally abused my wife. I have never cheated or thought of cheating on her, ever. I love her so much and never wanted to be a statistic. We are so different in everything, always have been, but we loved each other. We have tried marriage counselling a few times but we stopped due to financial issues and not agreeing on stuff. We have 2 small daughters together and my oldest is 6 and has alot of anxiety and temper issues already. Her and I butt heads all the time and sometimes think she really doesnt like me. She was daddys girl and we were inseperable up until my surgeries where i spent months in the hospital. It has never been the same between us. My heart breaks thinking about how we used to be. My wife says she loves me but mentally she is pretty much done with me,my wife,not my daughter. She is pretty confident those feelings of us being together will never come back. She has told me many times in the past that something needs to be done or she will leave. I guess i never really believed her, because I know she loves me.And I believe she still does, she just wants more and I could never give it to her emotionally.My kids will be so messed up if they know we are not together anymore. I dont want them blaming themselves and thinking they did this. They are so fragile this young. I have appt with family physician tomorrow to try and get a referral for a counseler that i can talk with. I am not a church goer but I think I need to talk with a priest as well. I should have done all this before, but never did. I dont know what to do right now.? I have been crying all day at work and my hands trembling really bad. Feels like somebody kicked me in the stomach as hard as they could. I am sick, i feel like throwing up non stop. I have nobody to talk to, i try and talk to my wife, but she pretty much has her mind made up and says she wont feel sorry for me any longer. It hurts so bad cuz I dont see any feelings from her. She said she has tried for so long to make me aware of my downfalls and things i needed to do, but i ignored all of it, and does not believe i will ever change. I will admit, I am a lousy husband and have no real clue of how to raise children. My wife is in the child industry , so knows alot more than i do. I just dont relate, and I always say or do the wrong thing. My world has changed and i am not sure I can go on. Not sure I can work with this on my plate. I love and miss my family. They are my everything and its over. Frowner
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T TrustyShellbackMember
quote:
'..."

I hate reading stories like this. It breaks my heart. When you say you think you may need to see a preacher it sounds like God is tugging at your heart. Don't ignore it. A marriage based on the Gospel will be blessed. I would strongly recommend that you do see a preacher and if you're a movie person please watch the movie Fireproof. It's about this very issue. It's hard to stay positive and easy to get depressed with our conditions. Try to stay positive. I wish you the best and I will keep you and your family in my prayers. God bless.
L Lou_LouMember
It makes me sad to read this, and I understand how difficult these things are to deal with, what we face everyday, no normal person will understand, please don't give up on yourself! You are not alone! Just make the first step! Make the phone call, make the appointment, take it one step at a time! It's never to late! Stay strong x
Kline84Kline84Member
Poucho-sorry u are going through all of this. It really hit home when u said u feel like roommates as that is the exact wording my other half used. It has been hard and we argue a lot which never happened before I got sick. She had the stress of having to take care of our little one while I have been sick. Lately I we have been making it a point to rekindle the old flame. Even when I don't feel like it I will joke with her and give her a random kiss and tell her I love her. One thing that has helped is doing a few things that we used to do before I got sick such as go out for a drink. Even though I dont drink much anymore, I just order a water while she has a cocktail. Some alone time or a date night without the kid has helped too. We make it a point to tell each other I love u every time we talk on the phone and at night. Since we have both been trying I can feel us getting closer again. Even when she was at the same point as your wife (99%) I started pouring on the affection even if I didn't get it return. Eventually I noticed she started giving it back! Maybe this would help u too? It's hard to bounce back from the roommate feeling and I has to consciously make myself act like I did when we first met. It has helped a ton and I let her know that I relise this has been just as hard on her as it is for me. It seemed to make her feel good that I acknowledged that. I hope everything works out the best for you and If you live her don't ever give up!
skn69skn69Member
Oh Poucho, I feel sick over this for you...people forget how much or spouses give while we are sick, how much our kids lose out to our illness and how lonely our other halves get...we take and take and it is so hard to give back when we are suffering in the crapper over cramps, bloody stool...
Your wife is feeling left out of your life, love, attention and heart...while sick we barely have the energy for ourselves let alone others so it is much too easy to forget how much they need support too.
I agree (if it is not already too late) that a Lot of TLC, attention, courting, conversation and good resolutions could go a long way to crawling back to coupledom...ask for a morotorium on seperation, ask her to make list of things than she needs, wants and requires to find her way back to you and a real marriage...forget yourself and your problems and put her on the front burner and make her your N°1 priority in life (along with the kiddies)...go out for long walks, picknics in the park or by the sea if you are anywhere near it...do not try to throw money at the problem but time, imagination and energy.
Start an activity togther with her, something that she has always wanted to do and that you have blown off...take the kids bike riding, skating or to the park for activities, make a family scrapbook of the 'good times' and try to build up from the foundations again.
It is a long and lonely road back but if it is not too late then it is worth it for all of you.
I wish you courage and luck
Sharon
LenaLenaMember
Poucho, I'm so sorry to read this. It's hard to deal with this life situation, when you're so busy just trying to put one foot in front of the one. My husband left me after my 21 day hospital stay for colon cancer. Please feel free to PM me anytime you want. I have big shoulders, and I can relate. May you find the peace you are searching for.

Lena
Laurie49Laurie49Member
Poucho -- it's never too late to begin to work on your issues. You need professional help to learn how to deal with all of the feelings you've described. You have to work on yourself for yourself and no matter what happens with your marriage, you will be a better man, father and partner in raising your children. You need to find peace and the fact that you are being honest, taking responsibility and don't want to feel the way you do is a huge step. It's all hard work, but in the end -- well worth it! You were dealt a pretty 'Sh**ty' (pun intended) deck -- but, it would be a complete waste to allow yourself to become a victim of all that you've been through, for the rest of your life. Do all that you must to be content and happy. Good luck, bud and continue to update us.
SpookySpookyMember
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know it's not anywhere near the same, but I lost a couple of people I considered very close friends due to my illness. It was a loss I still haven't completely resolved, even years later.

I don't mean to detract from the point of this thread, but I just wanted to say that going through a serious illness, the patient is often not the only one suffering. There was a recent thread about establishing an appropriate support system for those going through these surgeries, as there is often a great deal of emotional fallout that doesn't get properly addressed. Reading this, it's more than apparent to me that these supports need to extend to family and even close close friends as well.

I really hope you can find some why to resolve this. It may not be too late to begin working things out--if even just for yourself. Please stay strong and continue to keep us posted.
R RocketMember
Poucho Marx,

Wow, your story is somewhat similar to mine. My wife too got fed up with trying to get me stay positive but I was so miserable. The firt 3 surgeries, at that time, we had no kids. After my bowel obstruction in 1999 when I almost died to to 32 inch of small bowel was gangrene, we had 2 kids who were 4 and 2 yrs old at that time.

We have been living like roommates since July, 2006 and married 25 yrs.

So without me realizing how much this affected her, I continued to suffer waiting for the next shoe to drop with my health.

I would complain all the time about my health and my wife and her family got sick of hearing it. Wife said she did all she could to help me out but I refused to listen and stay negative all the time. And she was right to a point.

From my side, my wife is a control freak and a Narcissist. She would accuse me of not helping out more around the house which I stopped helping out. The reason, no matter what I did, be it cut the lawn, do laundry, cut dead branches off the trees, any thing and every thing, she would tell me I am doing it wrong. If I had a diffence of opinion, she would call me "F stupid." Plus she has hit me 3 times in anger.

For example, just last October, we had an unusual snow/ice storm in NJ. My street looked like a war zone. So many branches broke off from the weight of the ice. We lost half a maple tree in our back yard. The branches were huge. The following week my BIL came with his chain saw. My job was to drag the branches to the curb in the front yard for pick up. My first trip, I would grab 3 or 4 branches in each arm up to the curb. There is no right or wrong way to do this. When I came back to the tree, my wife was helping out and screaming and cursing at my then 16 yr old son. Once again, I was grabbing the braches as before. With that she loudly says, "Rocco, what are you doing? Not that way, you're doing it wrong." I responded in a firm voice "If you don't shut your mouth, I go back inside." In the past, her comments used to make me fell stupid and worthless. By her behavior, she asked me to stop being a Man. I am no longer willing to do that, not for anybody.

I stopped complaining a few years ago and have felt better except when I get pouchitis. I mind my own business and cook and clean for myself. I have no intentions of making my marriage work after so many years of spousal abuse. Once my kids graduate high school, 3 years for my youngest, I am out.

I tried to patch things up back in 2006 - 2010 but it was a waste of time. Yet my wife believes she did all she could to help me out. And if that wasn't bad enough, I would also get treated like crap from her dad, 1 of her sisters and 2 of the BIL's.

I have seen some of the responses here and I too saw Fireproof. By your initial post, it does not appear that your wife has treated you like mine treated me so to me, you should see a priest and a counslor and do all you can to work it out as best you can.

Many of the responses you have been are great advice so you need to make the first move and get the help you need.

Rocket
georgiegirlgeorgiegirlMember
so sorry to hear you are going through this but good on you for opening up to us. You do have support here. Seeing a priest is a good idea. You've also recognized that your wife has unmet needs too and this is a huge step forward as now you can focus on her and your children. But please don't think your daughter doesn't like you, she loves you and always will. She might have backed off for fear of losing you altogether - it's a way of protecting herself. Keep showing your children you love them, do family things together, surprise your wife with little things - cook dinner one night unexpectedly, leave her a love note.

All the very best to you!
PM Poucho Marx (Guest)
Thanks all. I took off work yesterday, tueday night i got really drunk which i never have really done since before my illness and surgeries. i was up and we had it out a few times as a cried and tried to explain everything,I know I have screwd up and I have not been there for her. How i have never been a husband to her and i have struggled with my kids. She was straight faced and matter of fact. no emotion from her. Told me to get the help i need to fix my head and repair my relationship with my girls. I am still in the house as of now. i know she wants me to get help, but i am 99% sure she no longer loves me as a husband. She loves me and wants a relationship around the kids. If i move out eventually it will destroy my kids. i am at work and finding it very hard to deal here. I did call and i have an appt this saturday with a psychologist to talk with.
N nbmMember
Take care of yourself physically and emotionally and focus on your kids and strengthening your relationshipwith them. They are young and you can still build a strong foundation with them. You should do this first and foremost for yourself and your children but it can also only help in your relationship with your wife. It sounds like you are feeling very pessimistic about things working out with your wife but remmebr actions speak louder than words and perhaps if she sees you focusing on the children and figuring out what is going on for you she will be more open to working things out.
I certainly can understand why you turned to alcohol for solace but remember alcohol is a depressant and can only make thing worse in the end. I hope seeing a counselor this weekend helps. Take it one minute, one day at a time.
PM Poucho Marx (Guest)
heres where i struggle again, I am not healthy obviously and losing weight constantly. This aint helping, I have not really eaten anything sustantial in 3 days. down to 138 pounds.I also told Dr.Shen I cannot continue with my kneedle/knife therapies from him that are costing me almost $1000 out of pocker every 6-8 weeks after insurance.I will just have to take the risk of not getting an abcess from the sinus in my anastamosis site. its hard being around my wife right now cuz she has moved on and i am devistated and cant stop crying. i love her so much and miss my best friend.
CTBarristerCTBarristerMember
Poucho,

Your weight loss is probably due to both stress from the break-up and the aforementioned health issues. I don't know if it will help any, but I will tell you the story of one of the attorneys I work with. He is on wife #3 right now. About 11 years ago, wife #2 left him after 6 months of marriage. He was devastated and lost 25 pounds in the month after the break-up, maybe more. I never saw him so thin in the 13 years I have known him. He became very unproductive at the office and I had to cover his ass in a big way, because he was totally mentally checked out at work for well over a month. I had to cover his pretrials, his hearings, his depositions as well as my own stuff. Eventually he got over it, probably took several months, and he gained the weight back and once again became his normal highly productive self at work.

Strangely, we were never close or did things socially together, but in the 2 or so years between wife #2 and wife #3, when he was single, we went out together after work and did the things that single men do. We actually had fun doing things socially, and we were never closer than in those 2 years after wife #2 left him. This ended once he met wife #3.

Unlike me he was always big on dating websites, and he met wife #3 on some kind of dating website. Wife #3, unlike wives #1 and #2, was and is a fiercely independent minded and highly educated woman who operates on the same intellectual level as my colleague. In short, she is perfect for him. Even though he is now in his 60s, they have had two young children together (and he has two adult children in their 30s from the marriage with wife #1). This marriage to wife #3 clearly appears to be his best one, is now 9 years long, and it's also proof that if at first you do not succeed, try try again. I genuinely believe he learned from the mistakes of his first two marriages.

This is not to say you should give up on your marriage but that there is hope, and that this can be a learning experience in your life.

Good luck.
Last edited by CTBarrister
R RocketMember
Poucho Marx,

I feel your pain and know how much you hurt because I was there beginning in June, 2006 and over time, yes it will take time, things do get better for you. Not to say that you will not have your ups and downs but that is part of life.

You need to reach very deep inside yourself. When I first went through my marriage coming apart, a couple of great close friends said that by crying and moping around the house, it shows that you are human, but to your spouse, it is unattractive for one, and shows your weakness. It shows that you cannot get a happy life without her. You have to show a side of you that never existed before your troubles began.

Not to say that I didn't cry, but most of the times, when I needed a good cry, I would go to the chapel at my church, when no one was there, and cry my eyes out. And I mean cry where I can hardly catch my breath, and from all the tears, blowing my nose constantly. Tears affect your sinus.

But I would not show that side of me at home. I know its very hard and in the beginning, I showed myself as I moped around and looking very sad.

After a days work, regardless of having a good or bad day, I try to put on a positve face when I walk in the door. They may not show it but they need you. You are and always will be their father.

My marriage is over and has been over for many, many years. I am married 25 yrs this past May but my wife and I do not love each other for many years now. Yes I regret that I even met her but I have my two kids.

This may sound selfish, but you have to do things for you and you alone. What makes you happy? What hobbies do you enjoy? Once you work on you and become more positive, happy, smile, that is something your kids want. No need to explain your illness to them, they already know. Ask them what makes them happy. What activities would they like to do with Dad?

Try and plan a vacation with them, just them, and do not include your wife. My wife has been going on vacation with just my kids since 2007. At first I missed them. Now I have to accept that and that was very hard to deal with. But all I can do is schedule time with them on my own.

If you want, you can send me a private messgage or I can call you up on the phone to talk.

Rocket
R RocketMember
Dog Day,

I couldn't agree with you more on what you said and it was like that with my marriage.

But I have to believe there are also good woment out there that would not treat a man that way. In fact, I know many women who are good people, especially at church. I have said to 2 of them that if I was divorced, do you have a sister or cousin like you? Their family is one I envy because they all practice their faith and are a family in the true sense of the word.

After I divorce, I hope to find someone but if not, I will move on. I'm certainly not going to look in desparation.

Rocket
D DboneMember
Poucho

Im really sorry to hear what you have going on .
I am brand new to this , i just signed up cause i heard what you have going on .I know sometimes things get real bad , my story is unique to most people cause not only did i have issues with my colon but also my liver . over the last five years ive had five surgerys , one being a liver transplant that took pretty much a year to recover . without going into detail the last few years have been brutal and trust me there where days when i didnt want to be around anymore . life to me was one problem after another . I wish i could tell you things will be ok , but think of the positive , you do have two children that although you may not think this but im sure love you very much and need their dad . i have two kids myself , they are older 13 and 9 but still they are mine and i love them very , very much . your kids do need you very much . i wish i could say the right things to help with your marraige but communication always helped me and my wife , which by the way i put thru living hell , i was not a real good patient .so i hope you realize that there are good things in life and i hope you get thru this .
hang in there !!!
KangaRoeKangaRoeMember
quote:
I did call and i have an appt this saturday with a psychologist to talk with.


Poucho,

I too am so sorry for all your troubles. The best of marriages without any health problems sometimes go through very rough times. I have a very supportive husband but I have found that with the chronic illness I have been living with I myself have had to see a therapist and also on occasion go through therapy with my husband.

I know that sometimes it is harder for men to go to see a therapist or are resistent to it because they feel it is a sign of weakness. It is not. You just took the biggest step on the road to getting help with all of this by making an appointment to see a therapist. Hang in there and remember all your friends on this site are rooting for you and will be there in "written spirit".

KangaRoe
Jan DollarJan DollarModerator, RN, retired
This just breaks my heart. I know that chronic illness takes its toll on more than the one who is sick, but when you think you have something that is forever, it really rocks your faith in the world to realize how wrong you can be. Still, I also know that relationships, and marriages in particular, take work from both sides. One person cannot sustain it while the other is busy with endless self-preservation or whatever.

Hopefully, it is not too late for you to convey to your wife how important she is to you and how you neglected to help her feel necessary. From what you say, she had given you multiple chances to fix this and you did not believe her, for whatever reason. Still, what brought you together must still be there and I hope you can find a way back to each other.

If not, we are here for you. A poor substitute, I know, but I do understand the pain you are living.

Jan Frowner
PM Poucho Marx (Guest)
pretty sure its over. For the marriage anyways.She loves me as a person but just not as a husband any longer. I have destroyed everything and I agree with her 100%. She was a very strong confident woman when we got married, and now is ill herself due to stress related issues. I just never believed she would leave me. We talked last night, I am in the house till probably after the holidays and then probably look for an apartment down the street. She wants me involved with everything with the girls and do things still as a family. She said i can still come and see girls whenever i want and even spend night with them on weekends if i wanted. We will remain friends throughout this and do things together with girls and spend holidays and whatever. She says she just cant trust me anymore to even give me any type of hope of getting back together, tired of my promises and whatever. My family lives out of state, so i have nobody to confide in except her mother believe it or not. she is fine with me talking to her. I am not doing well still, at work and feeling like throwing up. I go see the shrink tomorrow so we will see. Thank you EVERYONE for showing me some support in this difficult time. I appreciate it more than you all know.
C chalMember
I am so sorry for what is happening to you. I thought skn69 and Laurie49 gave really good advice. Find a good counselor immediately. Don't put it off any longer. If you have to give up something to afford it, then give it up. Talking to your priest a good idea also. See your doctor if you need something for depression. You need to feel good about yourself no matter what happens with your marriage. When you feel good about yourself, it will show in your life in general and people will respond. Spend some alone time with your daughters. If it's nothing but going to McDonald's for dinner and playground. Sit on the floor with them and play a board game or color. There are a lot of things you can do that require little to no energy. I have 2 sons (30ish now). My husband was never a "little kid" kind of person. Luckily he does love sports, so when they started playing t-ball,etc. he was involved. If my sons ever have children, my advise to them will be to be as involved with their lives as their mother. Know their favorite colors, their favorite games, what foods to feed them when mom is not a home, what to do when they don't feel good. If you get involved with your children, there's a good chance it could save your marriage. If it doesn't, you still come out on top as far as your kids go. You cannot lose if you have a good relationship with them. When you focus on others, you are distracted from what is going on with yourself. That might not work right now with your wife, but maybe with time. So start with the children. There is nothing more endearing than watching a father playing with his kids. I wish you luck. God has sent you down this path for a reason and it will all be for the greater good if you will start to take the steps. Praying for you.
CTBarristerCTBarristerMember
quote:
I just never believed she would leave me.


Poucho- you said this a few times already and I think you should discuss this belief with your counselor. I am not sure it is ever healthy for anyone to believe their partner will "never" leave them. Relationships need to be worked on continually and should never be taken for granted. I think if you have the attitude that it is granted, that is the 1st step down the slippery slope of danger/erosion of the relationship. I know a few friends who vainly believe that they have a possessory interest in their wives/girlfriends, and they kind of treat them accordingly. The fact of the matter is that the relationship is not so secure as they believe it is, and they are not so entitled as they think they are.

Anyway if it is the end try to figure out and analyze with the counselor why it ended so that you can put it in the lessons learned category and grow from the experience. I have tried to grow from the negative experiences and failed relationships I have had and not make the same mistakes the second time around. I believe it is a learning process and I feel like I am still learning.
C CeeeeCeeeeMember
Many, many years ago when my marriage was breaking up and I was in a pit of depression, a shrink I was seeing told me he believed that in my case I was going through a mourning period and I was mourning the death of an illusion. The illusion was what I believed a marriage should be, could be, etc. and my own reality didn't measure up at all. Once that interpretation became comprehensible I began feeling much better. I had to admit to myself that my marriage, as it was at that point, was certainly an illusion. Moving on from there became much more do-able and positive. Best wishes.
MarkusMarkusMember
Hi Poucho,

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I understand all to well how health problems can have a negative impact on family life. When I applied for disability insurance, my doctor listed 9 different medical/health problems on my application. My wife and daughter have suffered along side of me for many, many years. Any family problems/issues we have had, can be traced back to my health problems as the source.


God Bless,

Markus
TE MarieTE MarieMember
Dear Poucho,

I hope you are feeling better and are able to eat. You need to stay as healthy as you can for your children and yourself.

I actually think it is comforting to know she wants you to live close and continue to be a hands on father with your children. There may be hope as you are both being so civil with each other.

I pray your therapist is good and that your sessions are helping you accept and deal with all of this. I also hope it doesn't manifest itself and make you more ill. Stress does it all the time for me and what you are going through is way beyond stressful.
TE MarieTE MarieMember
Poucho, I noticed your name was like this:
<pouchomarx> and your avatar was not there. I thought maybe you had quit or something. Maybe you should ask Jan Dollar about this. She has administrative rights granted by Bill.

I hope you are doing ok and was worried as we hadn't heard from you.

I hope that Ronald McColon or someone like him hasn't figured out how to hack the system.
CTBarristerCTBarristerMember
quote:
ok?? Not sure what happened?


Hey Poucho,

Glad you posted this because I was thinking the worst, you know, that you deleted your account in a symbolic gesture and then offed yourself. And it would have been terrible if that was the last we ever heard from you. But now it seems like this was some kind of prank by Ronald McColon or some like-minded individual. It's strange but it looks like your original account and avatar were disabled.
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