guys can you help me find some joy please?

I am not sure that I can give you any joy but how about a bit of hope?
I am not going to tell you that this is going to be a cakewalk and I won't pretend that you won't have some pain and suffering (the I.V.s hurt me the most, the rest was taken care of through morphine drips ) but I can tell you that once the pouch is in there and you start getting some improvement (going a few hours without twisty-nasty cramps and bloody runs) and as you start to feel idy-bidy triumphs you will feel like you have just climbed Everest.
We all mark our successes differently but going out to a restaurant or mall for a walk, being able to go to the beach or run in the park with the kiddies...Those are my Olymic medals...you will have yours and each time you 'win one' you will have tears of joy in your eyes...
I agree with you that if you feel that you can't handle them then you shouldn't take meds but maybe they could give you a good oldfashioned valium to get a good night sleep.
If I had a prescription to write you it would be for really funny movies, good books, fun music and close friends to spend these last, terrifying weeks with...find a passion and start preparing for it whether it be learning a new language or art or craft or planning to run your first marathon or take Pilates classes.
Plan a trip around the world or for a new job. Just keep dreaming and making plans...it passes the time and helps the time go faster.
By the way, my favorite game? Buying a lottery ticket. I can spend hours dreaming what I will do with the winnings if I win....
Hang in there, time goes a lot faster when you are having fun.
Sharon
ps..if your parents are not toxic then maybe it would be a good idea to keep them around for a while, this is not the time to be alone.
Sharon

Pre-takedown was maybe the worst time of my life. I'm assuming you have an ostomy and external pouch. I just couldn't stand it. My seal broke ALL the time. I couldn't work because my stomach was always awash in acid. I cried often because I felt useless and I worried the pain and inability to work would never end. You're not alone. Those 2 months were awful for me.

It got a lot better right at the end. Suddenly my seal wasn't breaking, I had a routine and knew when to set my alarm once nightly to get up lest I get a blowout. I was feeling strong again. The next surgery is hard too. but I feel like there is a light at the end, I know some people have rougher goes at certain stages, but I've spoken to several people I know personally who have J-pouches decades post takedown and they say it is hard at first, but the body adjusts and they live as normal a life as anyone else.

I like everything skn69 said, find a hobby or something that you really enjoy, splurge on it if you have the money, now is a time to let yourself enjoy certain things while you aren't able to enjoy the simple things like feeling normal. Don't try to be alone, some people are difficult to deal with, but without my family and friends and their support I know I would have been in a much darker place. My wife kept me out of a dark place most of the time.

Don't let your pouch or the surgery be a focus for a little while. It's important to tackle the emotions of the surgeries, but don't let it consume everything you do and who you are. Do something enjoyable, play a game with family, watch a movie with family, just have diner and reminisce about fun times.