Embarrassing Question But...

If I may say something from the male side of this issue: the activity you describe is something I enjoy doing with my partner and definitely is only enjoyable if the partner is "fresh". I am sure there are ways to accomplish this that are not very difficult. Probably there are products on the market that can be used to accomplish this objective in a quick, immediate manner but I don't know what they are.

I once had a GF who introduced me to "edible oils." I think you need to freshen up before applying said oils but she gave me a choice of about 3 different flavors and I chose the peppermint edible oil. It tasted quite good.

Gee, I don't know. I've been married to the same guy since 1976, and have had my j-pouch since 1995. Never been a problem that I'm aware of. Sometimes I wash up before intimacy, sometimes not. If it's been a turn off, he's never let on...

Jan

I can understand how you feel this way, but i can't say it has been a problem for me. One thing i do to keep flushable wipes with me. The package tends to be too big for my purse so i put a few in a ziplock baggie. That way i always have them if i get too messy or if the toilet paper is too rough!

Ditto Jan.

And I have to say -- and absolutely no offense intended to our male responder, but am I the only one who is skeeved by a male contributor in this forum? I feel like it is a rare place on the internet where we can discuss j-pouch-related women's issues amongst ourselves and when I read a male response, it is jarring to me. Perhaps I'm the only one; perhaps not, but again, no offense intended.

Breezie,

Sorry if you feel that way but it is a public forum and I provided information that was, I believed, helpful to the poster. There is no "Keep Out" sign for male posters in this forum; if this forum was designated as such, I would abide by that but I would also find it to be silly and demonstrate somewhat backwards thinking.

I would also note that female posters regularly post in the Men's Health forum about their busband's health issues or asking questions about men's health issues, or sometimes just gratuitously posting information. Jan has made numerous posts in the Men's Health forum, most of a very informative nature, and none of them "skeeved" me. These included posts on ED and RE, both of which are very delicate male sexual health issues that most men are sensitive about discussing with anyone.

No offense Breezie, but I think putting "Keep Out" signs on either or both the men's and women's health forums would only serve to reinforce the same kind of stereotypes that result in women being treated like second class citizens in some areas of the world.

I definitely feel the need to wash up before but I have always been that way even before surgeries. It makes me feel more comfortable with myself and having one less thing to worry about makes it easier to enjoy personal time with my husband. I also used to worry that it might be a mood killer but being worried about other stuff like that can also be a mood killer. It's better to be comfortable with yourself. I'm sure if you talk to your partner about this, you would feel better about the situation because I'm sure most of the guys don't mind

Breezie,
I can understand your reservations about a guy posting in the woman's forum with the topics being so personal but I feel like there is a lot of information the guys can give us and it is good see see their point of view on topics too.

I don't feel like there is enough information out there for people like us so as long as the information provided is helpful and respectful, I am grateful for it and don't mind who it's coming from.

We are all here for support and information

I think the difference between Jan posting in the Men's Forum (or any forum) is that she is a health professional. She is giving professional advice - not anecdotal advice.

Also, women posting about their husbands in that forum usually means that the husband is not posting.

I also think that what may trouble some is that too much personal information about your sex life was provided. I understand that you don't like advice but perhaps you could provide information without all the very personal aspect of it. And please don't take my post as anything beyond what I've said. It is certainly not a personal attack. It is purely my observation.

kathy

The original poster asked a question implying whether this is an issue she should worry about. How would she know whether to worry about the issue without knowing what the experience is on the other side of the aisle? The very question asked called for an individual response and how exactly do you give that without referring to a personal experience or opinion on the issue? And how exactly would you surmise most men would respond? That is not important, when the OP said she was worried about her partner's response? Not sure I get it. This thread raises an issue about how men respond to a certain situation and yet nobody wants to hear how a man who has experience on the subject reacts? BIG TIME DO NOT GET IT. I also gave no graphic details, only general ones. And some info I thought would help about edible oils, which I did not even know anything about until a girlfriend introduced me to them a few years ago.

And yes, your "observation" is exactly what I would have expected from you. You can call it whatever you want, I call it predictable. Your other posts attempt to portray yourself an an enlightened thinker in response to other poster's posts on similar issues, including as I recall your response to a post by an admittedly gay poster posting about gay sexual issues which make ME uncomfortable. I find this to be quite ironic because I never said anything to you about your post which made me uncomfortable, because I felt it would show me to be not a very enlightened person, even though I do feel discomfort when I read men discussing these issues on this board. I have never told anyone they should not discuss anal sex etc. on this board, and if I did, you very predictably would butt in and scold me for doing so.

So yeah, there is some definite hypocrisy going on here. And I will admit I have been made uncomfortable by other posts, including yours, but never mentioned it before.

I guess this is just one of those instances where you can't please evrybody. This is a public forum, so all eyes are watching. Hopefully, all responders will keep things tame, but some topics can tend to be difficult to discuss. Certainly, much of our "potty talk" would not be welcome in most social conversations, so we already have the notion of open discussion.

So a male response here or a female response in the men's forum should not be seen as the same thing as walking into the wrong restroom. And like mentioned before, as long as there is respect, it should be fine.

Perhaps in these forums, where some topics can make some squirm, if we apply the "less is more" approach, that might be best. Even as a health professional, I feel like I am intruding in some men's forum topics, even if that is not reality. So, I try to wait and see if some men have answers first. If not, then I try to provide medical advice or specifically address the question.

Some people will be offended that a question is even asked that seems too personal, so there is no way to prevent all offense. But, we are all here for the same reason, to share our collective knowledge and experience.

Jan

PS My post went up before CT's, so I thought I'd comment further. Please, let's not turn this into a sparring match. Send a PM if you have a beef. I agree that the man's perspective is valid and useful. Maybe less personal detail would be better, until more detail was requested? I don't know...just trying to figure out how to avoid these squirmishes.

Your first paragraph of your original reply would have been more than sufficient and helpful. Hopefully you can see that and not take offense.

kathy

quote:

Hopefully you can see that and not take offense.

I don't, and I do take offense, but I will also get over it as I have done in the past. I would not mind your criticism of my posts so much if I saw you doing the same thing with others. But you don't. There have been graphic posts in the Men's Health forum about anal sex which were warmly embraced by you. That is because other people made those posts, not me.

You are incorrect on both counts. I do post when I see something that might be upsetting to other members. And I don't single you out. Really. I don't.

kathy

quote:

Certainly, much of our "potty talk" would not be welcome in most social conversations

The 1st time I ever posted my pouchoscopy pictures, I was virulently criticized by one poster who said they were disgusting and I had ruined her lunch. Others praised me for doing so because pics speak a thousand words and information is a weapon, that can be used to help others. Like you said you are never going to make everyone happy. Clearly, nothing I post makes KathySmith or suebear terribly happy, as the one thinks I am too uncensored and the other thinks I ramble too much. On the other hand people have sent me PMs thanking me for my contributions.

OK, enough on that front. My primary concern is that the original poster has not come back to thank us for our input.

Again, let's keep the sparring off the public forum. That is what PMs are for.

Jan

What Jan said. None of us want to read bickering between mature adults. I respect all of the responders on this thread and have appreciated helpful information and comments from all of you... I hate to see the "parents" fighting! LOL

I think all opinions are valid as long as they are not disrespectful. I admit it was a bit unexpected to see a male posting on the forum, but I believe his first response was tactful enough, and a male perspective on the topic is somewhat appropriate in this case. Plus, it IS a public forum on the internet... once you put it out there it's open to everyone and their dog, so you can't be surprised at who's reading.

Which, by the way, may be the reason the OP hasn't responded. Maybe she's embarrassed?

As far as the original post... I don't see it as being much more of a problem for us than anyone else. Of course I haven't had my takedown yet, so I'm not actually speaking from experience. But I'm guessing the issue is magnified in your own mind, as are most bodily issues with most of us. ("My thighs are huge!" No, they're not.)

That being said, anyone wants to be "fresh" for that activity, regardless of who you are. I would agree that the quickest way to "freshen up" might be a baby wipe (or adult flushable wipe) if you know you're in a situation where intimacy may come up... If I was concerned about it, I'd do the freshening up beforehand (say, after a dinner date but before we get to the bedroom?) so that the mood is not interrupted.

I now keep a few wipes in a half-sized ziplock in my purse as well for whatever emergencies might come up. They're handy for all sorts of things!

Agreed, stop the bickering. I had no problem with his post and welcome a male perspective to the answer to some of these questions. I didn't think anything he said was untoward, his 2nd paragraph was a good suggestion actually.

To answer the OP's question, sometimes I think it's a concern and sometimes it isn't. We all know when we've had a messier than normal day and in those cases, I would definitely freshen up first, if not take a full shower. Just think if it was your partner and he or she had had the same bathroom day as you - wouldn't you want them to do the same? Even if you had a PERFECT bathroom day, sometimes it's better to present yoruself clean, even as a courtesy. We all smell at the end of the day, really.

CT-

I don't appreciate your responses, not because you're male, but because they tend to be unhelpful and mostly talking about yourself.

I don't read any other boards so I can't comment as to what you say on those, but I have yet to see you contribute something useful over here.

Wow. It is pretty harsh to start evaluating whether or not suggestions or responses to a question and then to deem them entirely unhelpful. I If someone doesn't like a response it is probably best to just disregard it--no reason to put someone down when they are trying to be helpful.

claire955- The flushable wipes do the trick! I use them every time i go to the bathroom. I don't feel that it's necessary to run & freshen up right before, because I always feel fresh! (I feel like I'm advertising for them!!) They make individual packets too. Good luck!

J-pouch & pregnant!!