Dating?For Men

I had concerns about this, too. Then I found someone who understands and likes me for me. If I didn't tell her what had happened, she would have never known. The frequency of my trips to the bathroom is a non-issue.

new2,

At the risk of sounding like a total slut I am a single man in my 40s, have dated and slept with many women in the last 20 years, and I would estimate about 10% of the women I have been with sexually have asked about my surgical scars. Only a few have been so curious as to ask deep questions about how the J Pouch works. Most are just curious about the reasons for the scars.

Regarding the more frequent bathroom trips, they are not enough to get noticed, but if they are, I just say I have about 10 feet less intestine so food goes through me quicker and I have to go more often and there is no other difference.

I think that most women are not interested in deep answers to these questions if they otherwise are interested in you, at least until the relationship advances to a more serious stage. I am the kind of person who never has relationships that get to that stage.

My main concern is night time leakage. Not sure how to handle that?

quote:

My main concern is night time leakage. Not sure how to handle that?

Depends Adult diapers, worn under your boxer briefs. In the morning place the used diaper in a Hefty trash bag, tie and dispose of it as you would any other garbage.

I was on my 2nd or 3rd date and it randomly came up -"Did you ever have surgery before?" It was sort of nice to jump from superficial conversations to a more real discussion with her so fast in our relationship.

I was not ready to discuss this, but I had to. She was nice about it and after almost 2 years we are still together :-)

Everyone has some issue...No one is perfect medically or mentally.

I almost feel like it has helped my 'game' more than it has hurt it. Girls with a little depth to them are intrigued by a guy who has been through a lot.

Its part of that uniqueness that draws girls in. Or so I'd like to think...

quote:

Girls with a little depth to them are intrigued by a guy who has been through a lot.

LOL, yes, especially guys who have the "dark side". Reminds me of that State Farm Insurance commercial:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b6Ijyg42ssg

Thanks for the responses!

I can also atest to these stories. I met my wife about a year after my take down procedure and it was a non-issue when we were dating. It's now been 5 years and we have a 2 1/2 year old son.

The increased frequency was no big deal. Once we moved in together and it became serious explaining the whole "potential leaks" at night wasn't a big deal either. I don't wear Depends, I only wear pads, but either way it wouldn't be a big deal.

Just take your time with it and be positive and honest. I think women find it more of an issue when you are down and depressed about it. If you are confident in yourself it won't matter either way.

Good luck

Yes, Michael is right on. The big picture strategy is that it's usually only an issue if you make it an issue. Women are attracted to men who have self confidence and you start raising red flags if you bring up health issues regardless of what they may be. Frequency of bowel movements is only an issue if it gets noticed. If it gets noticed, I already posted about how to handle that.

The real question is not your health, it is what you bring to the table in terms of your personality, your general attitude, your job security and general life stability, and your ability to make your female companion comfortable in your company and enjoying your company. And of course to some extent your looks, but as long as you are not ugly and are well groomed, even if you are not Brad Pitt you can play a good game if you have strengths in the other departments and are a decent human being. Being realistic here, not all of us are all strong in all of these departments. My weakest department was in making women feel comfortable when they first get to know me, because I have a serious looking face and shaved head (think Vin Diesel) and I also look kind of dumb, even though I am actually fairly bright and graduated top of my law school class. Women who meet me guess that I am a cop or a construction worker and are shocked to learn that I am a trial attorney, that I graduated top of my class etc. So I learned to work on overcoming the serious looking face and my natural tone of voice (naturally loud for the courtroom but has to be toned down several notches in private). I developed my sense of humor which is somewhat different than what most people have. I tried to figure out what my female companion liked talking about, and then figured out the humorous scenarios to discuss within those subjects. I learned to adapt to the audience, just like I do in Court.

To play the game effectively, that is the dating game, you have to be yourself. But you CAN adapt your personality to your audience. To me it is an extension of what I must do talking to a jury. And I got much better at dating women as I did get much better in Court. I almost look at the two venues as similar - to me both are games, but you have to play the games in order to succeeed at them, that is just the way it is.

Good luck to all of you guys and remember, never let health issues or perceived health issues define your reality. Attitude is everything and you have to project a positive and energetic attitude and never let anyone think something is holding you back because if you do, it will hold you back.

Also, NEVER lower your expectations because of who or what you are. What turns us on as men is what it is. I like slim, tanned brunettes with no tattoos or piercings and natural bodies. That is never going to change, because that is what I am attracted to as a man. So focus yourself on women that attract you and do not ever believe in your head that you have to "lower" your expectations or date sick women. Not that there is anything wrong with dating a sick woman you are also attracted to. But I have heard these kinds of thoughts expressed at support groups and these are defeatist attitudes which will in fact defeat you.

Happy dating!