Being gay with a j-pouch

dawn58 posted:

I think that anyone who has a jpouch is told by their doctors NOT to have anal sex. You had surgery there and don't want to disrupt it. I had several surgeries, including a redo, and if there's the smallest possible chance of disturbing anything I would not do it. After being what I have been through, mentally it would not be enjoyable anyway. I think the question to ask if you want anal sex is are there people out there with jpouches whose doctors told them it is okay.

One surgeon I consulted told me it was okay to have anal sex with a J-pouch, but it wouldn't fit large penises. He said he knows patients who do it.

Another surgeon I consulted said no anal, but fingers are okay. 

All the surgeons online I've searched say "no," but plenty of patients do it anyway with various results.

alfmed posted:

Hi, old discussion but still new to a lot of us. I've had my J-Pouch for about three years now, always believing other peoples answers about "NO ANAL SEX". But my question was finally answered from my surgeon himself. He bluntly told me that anal sex for me should be no problem. Not only did enough time for it to heal passed, but he said the pouch is a few inches long, enough to not worry about it getting destroyed. But to start slowly. I HIGHLY recommend you discuss it with your surgeons. It has taken a heavy weight off my shoulders and put my mind at ease. I'm not openly gay (yet) but i managed to have the guts (pun intended) to tell my surgeon how i felt...great decision. 

Have you tried anal sex with a J-pouch yet? What is it like?

Kharma posted:

Hi everyone,

I'm 22 years old, and was diagnosed with UC when I was 15. When I was 16, I underwent 2 surgeries to have the j-pouch after none of the medications seemed to control my UC (aside from Prednisone, which you can't take forever). I've never been in a serious relationship with anyone, as I'm still trying sort out my sexual orientation. However, I feel as though I may be gay or bi-sexual. I'm just curious as to how having a j-pouch can affect your sex life if you're in a relationship or having intercourse with someone of the same gender. Is anal sex possible? This is a really embarrassing thing for me to ask, but I'm just curious in case that day ever comes lol.

Wow! I was 21, when i had my jpouch and my situation and questions were exactly the same as yours. I was too scarred to ask my surgeon about how anything sexual. But now im a very experienced happy gay guy lol, im more than happy to offer advice if you still need it, private message me if so....

Well guys, it's been a while lol.  I was able to get in touch with my surgeon via email to ask him about my concerns.  This was about 3 years ago, months after I made this thread.  He replied and told me that he doesn't advise sex with me as the anal receptive partner.  I emailed him a couple of times after to ask him if there was anything that could possibly be done surgically that would allow me to have receptive anal sex, if I should choose to in the future.  The answer was that he wasn't aware of anything of that nature.

Last November, I went for a colonoscopy (I forget what they call it for j pouch patients) with a different colo rectal surgeon.  I asked him for his opinion and he pretty much agreed with the surgeon who operated on me.  He said that it would be risky for me and depending on my partner's size, for him as well since there are staples in the area where the pouch is attached.  He said I could try it at my own risk, but I would have to be extremely cautious and go slow and use a LOT of lube and preferably with a partner who isn't too big lol.  He told me he usually is happy to tell patients that they can do it, but not in my case.

I also asked him about surgical options and he said there were none.

Still really upsetting, but I'm just trying to accept it for what it is.  It still bothers me a lot but I can guess things could be worse.  hopefully one day there will be something that can be done.  I spoke to someone online a while ago who mentioned that his surgeon said he could do something to make his anal opening larger or something, since it's typically smaller and tighter on us j pouch patients.  Not sure if that would help or is even worth it though.

Thanks for all of the replies guys, and if you have any other advice or tips on coping with this, I'm always willing to listen!

Hi Kharma

Well done on approaching the surgeon, first of all - it isn't easy to pluck up the courage and that's a huge step.

Sorry to hear what they said. It must be a bit of a blow. It was a good idea to get a second opinion, though, and it sounds like the second guy was a bit easier to talk to. How long ago was your surgery? I'm surprised to hear you still have staples. I assumed they'd have come out long ago.

If you're still keen to give it a go then as the surgeons said only you can decide and have to weigh up the risks. I'd echo what they said: be very, very gentle, use lots of lube, and start with a finger. You've had the end of a colonoscopy up there so obviously that's not going to do any damage.

If that's possible, then you're already doing great, and fingers are perfect for prostate simulation. There are all sorts of small toys out there, too. It's not all about genital penetration.

And if it's not possible, then I wish you luck, and will say what I've said before: penetration need not be what gay sex is about. Many people don't enjoy it and choose not to do it.

Good luck x

Cdub posted:

Hi Kharma

Well done on approaching the surgeon, first of all - it isn't easy to pluck up the courage and that's a huge step.

Sorry to hear what they said. It must be a bit of a blow. It was a good idea to get a second opinion, though, and it sounds like the second guy was a bit easier to talk to. How long ago was your surgery? I'm surprised to hear you still have staples. I assumed they'd have come out long ago.

If you're still keen to give it a go then as the surgeons said only you can decide and have to weigh up the risks. I'd echo what they said: be very, very gentle, use lots of lube, and start with a finger. You've had the end of a colonoscopy up there so obviously that's not going to do any damage.

If that's possible, then you're already doing great, and fingers are perfect for prostate simulation. There are all sorts of small toys out there, too. It's not all about genital penetration.

And if it's not possible, then I wish you luck, and will say what I've said before: penetration need not be what gay sex is about. Many people don't enjoy it and choose not to do it.

Good luck x

My surgeries were almost 10 years ago.  Would the staples still be there?  And thank you for your reply. 

I had my surgery in 1999 and radiologists can still see the staples in my CT and MRI scans as well as regular X-rays.

That's really interesting, I've never thought about staples before, and no-one's ever mentioned it. I suppose I assumed they were pushed out as it healed and I passed them, but perhaps not?

If mine are still in there, no-one's ever complained...

Cdub,

I see you are talking about prostate simulation. That is something I have been wondering about as of recent. I have been wondering how to stimulate the prostate with a jpouch. I would assume it is the same place as before? And if so when we have anal sex do we still have prostate stimulation?

Bnlb posted:

Cdub,

I see you are talking about prostate simulation. That is something I have been wondering about as of recent. I have been wondering how to stimulate the prostate with a jpouch. I would assume it is the same place as before? And if so when we have anal sex do we still have prostate stimulation?

Yes, yes and yes, in an answer to your three questions. Unless you've been told otherwise, or have another condition affecting it, it is in exactly the same place and behaves exactly the same way. You can feel it with a finger (after all, that's how doctors check it for abnormalities).

I am 33 yo gay Male with history of intestinal polyps.  I was diagnosed with FAP this past summer which explained a lot as I looked back all those years I thought I had just your average stomach aches.  I had a right colectomy surgery done in Aug 2018 and after healing from the surgery I found out I have FAP which now changed everything. Fast forwarding through that last few months, I started to see a GI specialist at Roswell Cancer institute to gain more insight about my condition and my options. As of yesterday I had a colonoscopy to figure what option would be best and results pointed towards the J pouch surgery. I am a bit terrified because life as a gay Male becomes yet harder, especially when trying to date etc...  I searched the web for a blog or support group and came across this forum.  I am someone going into this, I'm hoping to gain sight from someone who can relate and has coped with this change in lifestyle. How did you all learn to except and cope with this decision at the beginning? What advice could you guys give someone like myself?

Hi Miguelito, sorry to hear about what you've been going through but glad you're getting the right help and advice. You're right, there isn't much information out there about this for us, so hopefully some of what you've read on this page has helped? There are no definite answers as everyone's different, and if you do go down the route of having a j-pouch all I can say is that it changed my life, and I wouldn't go back on it if I could. It's had some disadvantages, not least sexually, but those are outweighed by the positives. Finding someone who really gets you and respects you and your body is part of that journey.

Good luck.

Thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement! Truly appreciative  

Hello,

A few months ago I posted regarding advice and information about an ostomy, since then I have recieved the surgery, going on month 3 with it. A lot has changed in my life since and it's been difficult not having someone of our LGBT community to talk with, I have members of my family who has stomas but there's only so much they can provide conversation wise and I end up feeling alone in this world. I am scheduled for my take down at the end of this month and I am a bit terrified about life after it, what to expect, things I can do etc.. and unfortunately I have no one to talk to as the few members of my family are permanent stoma cases, so I can't pick their brains. If anyone has time to talk please feel free to send me a message, I could really use some help, good conversation and a friend. 

Hi Miguelito,

If you don't mind an overseas friend with a similar story, drop me a line. We can share experiences and I am also a good listener \ reader

Anyone dealt or currently dealing with acid and what many call butt burn? I have a j pouch & lately I’ve been battling with the discharging of acid and boy does it hurt/burns, any suggestions for treatment and also foods/liquids I should stay away from? Any recipes that I could try as well? I’ve been doing my best to filter through the do’s and donts. Any advice/suggestions would be greatly appreciated 

Try Ilex paste 👍

many people use calmoseptine but the menthol in it makes butt burn worse for me! 

For me butt burn is usually caused by physical action ie wiping to much or too hard, or cleaning to much can dry the skin out.  Sometimes of you have a bit of leakage (perhaps trying to pass gas) that can also burn... But 9 times out of 10 is because I wiped too hard/much.  Gently blott.. if you must, apply cream and then wipe that off. That helps clean and also moisturisers.  Try to treat your butt like you eyeball.... Touch it gently.  Will probably make the world of difference

As for the being gay thing.. bottoming is probably not an option.. Not only for the above reason but can also do yourself more serious physical harm.. many docs don't even like to give prostate exam with a finger.  I will say I'm a straight guy without experience of this, but I've seen plenty of posts on this forum about it.  It's still perfectly possibly to have a loving fulfilling relationship though, perhaps hunt down Heath or one of the others and I'm sure they would be happy to chat (he has posted on this subject a couple if times from memory)

Hi Bobish. If you’ve read the full thread above, you’ll have seen advice from several people who do have experience of this (and sexuality doesn’t necessarily have everything to do with that). Please bear that in mind when sharing your thoughts on something you yourself say you don’t have experience of.

Cdub, geez can't even try to help nowadays! Why can't straight guys give advice to gay people?  sorry I certainly didn't mean to cause any embarrassment or offence. I had read the full thread and no-one (including those with direct experience) had answered the question.  That said I accept I may have misread/ misunderstood the query (he asks what he can and can't do shortly after mentioning his sexuality and this is posted on the men's health thread, so if I have got this wrong I hope it's accepted as a genuine mistake, and known that I was genuinely trying to be supportive by directing to resources already available on this forum.

I will surely think twice before trying to help anyone in future who does not meet my exact democratic in case it offends someone I wasnt talking too!

Right Bobish, that’s enough. Firstly, the subject of this thread should make it crystal clear that this isn’t for you. This has to be a safe respectful space and you have not helped that. Secondly, you yourself said you had no experience of this so keep your opinions to yourself if you’re not going to be helpful. Thirdly, the comment you replied to was asking for advice on butt burn and didn’t mention anal sex anywhere. You brought it up. Fourthly, if you *have* read the thread then you’ll see people with way more experience and knowledge than you have already answered the question, and done so sensitively and carefully. 

I contributed 2 pieces of advice both of which l feel are valid and were meant sincerely. If they are not valid i have already apologised already and I apologise once again. 

Do you have anything to contribute to this thread or are you just here to troll me?  Where are the mods when you need them.

Not sure what is going on here, but it appears an old thread has been recently revived and there have been some misunderstandings leading to reported posts. No need to get too touchy when someone is trying to help, even if their intent has been taken the wrong way. Anyway, I am not editing or removing posts at this point.

Let's just try to keep it friendly, including criticisms.

Jan

Miguelito posted:

Anyone dealt or currently dealing with acid and what many call butt burn? I have a j pouch & lately I’ve been battling with the discharging of acid and boy does it hurt/burns, any suggestions for treatment and also foods/liquids I should stay away from? Any recipes that I could try as well? I’ve been doing my best to filter through the do’s and donts. Any advice/suggestions would be greatly appreciated 

Hey, buddy. After taking advice from this forum and others, I elected to have an ileorectal anastamosis operation rather than the J-pouch.

But since I only have a rectum's length of my colon left, my stools are high in digestive enzymes just like J-pouch people and I do get the "butt burn" if I don't manage it.

What I've found works is to wipe my butt with "Sensitive Skin" baby wipes, with aloe and lotion elements, after I have wiped with regular toilet paper. If I go one or two bowel movements without cleaning myself this way, I start to get the burn. So I always keep a large supply of baby wipes by my home toilet and the toilet at work. It's less practical when traveling out and about, but as long as I clean myself the majority of times, my skin stays healthy and comfortable.

Another thing I've learned to do is moisturize for a few hours a day (usually overnight) with a silicone-based scar cream called DNA Renewal. The baby wipes and frequent bowel movements can really dry out the skin of the anus and cause peeling/chafing. Neither conventional lotion moisturizer nor oil-based ointments like Neosporin help — they just evaporate and cause more severe peeling and scarring.

But the scar cream prevents dehydration and alleviates butt burn. It keeps the skin of my anus and butt crack as healthy and normal as it was before surgery.

Here's the link, in case you're interested. It's expensive, but worth it for keeping me as normal as possible.

https://www.dnaegfrenewal.com/...roducts/scar-therapy

I had my j-pouch surgery in 1997 and was always told that absolutely nothing goes up there but a small diameter flexible scope in the hands of a physician who was very familiar with j-pouches.  Punctures and tears create an immediate medical emergency.

@Miguelito

Re: Butt Burn - when things are too acidic for me I start getting this.  When I am under stress I get this. When I eat hot foods...I get this. If I wipe too hard or strain... dehydration does this to me too. And alcohol... OMG gives me crazy acidic liquid.

If the liquid is acidic, then I change my diet up, drink bone broth with salt, take 3 probiotics 3 times a day, bland out my diet and lower my stress levels intentionally.

If the butt is burning on its own or because of the liquid then I use a cream called Analpram HC.  For me this is the only thing that heals it.  I then use the cotton in between my butt cheeks to let sweaty things dry out.   I do not use ANY over the counter wipes as they make my skin worse in a crazy way.  Many things that people can usually use like Bag Balm make it to get inflamed. 

I just got a bidet about 3 months ago, and I do like it.  Kinder than wiping but if I have a sore that it healing it's too strong for it. I find that it can cause some issues with flora. 

Only use Charmin extra soft with gentle dabbing action when using TP.   I am curious about anal moisturizing what a great idea!. Researching this. 

Ive had this lately actually. I have been adding cayenne pepper to some of my cooking. Its like passing glass, i had to get a doctors call last week. Not good. Although i had a little idea what it could be i really didn’t know others had this too. Thought i was alone. I guess its pretty common isn’t it. 

I also only bidet now, no paper wiping. No no. The GP prescribed an HC creme too actually. After about 4 days of use it has started to ease. 

@Christopher100 posted:

I also only bidet now, no paper wiping. No no. The GP prescribed an HC creme too actually. After about 4 days of use it has started to ease. 

I concur, Chris. My surgery occurred back in 1998 and I used to wipe with toilet paper and have to use baby cream. Then I visited SE Asia and had to use water to clean my butt. What a revelation! I haven’t had to use cream since.

Hello, I have UC and I only have a rectal stump left that keeps bleeding. I used to love anal play, but I can't anymore because it doesn't stop bleeding. I want it to stop bleeding because anal play is of course fun and helped me to relieve stress. Now I spend my days screaming or crying because my sexuality is gone as well as my state of being. I'm extremely depressed and want a J Pouch in the future and hopefully the surgeon can give me room back there to do what I used to like doing. My life is shattered. Please any info or help.

Mark,

Based on your comments, it seems to indicate you have already had some surgery and are awaiting jpouch creation and takedown sometime in the future. If I am incorrect please forgive me.

Nevertheless, this journey is a rather long one, with a lot of recovery time needed. Many of us require months and months of healing and feel depressed, devastated and hopeless at times. You are not alone and eventually your body will recover.

Admittedly, while I post from a straight guy perspective, my sex life has taken a hit. I don’t want to get into here, but surgery has taken its toll on my body.

The only people I will allow into the pouch are my surgeon and my GI doc. No other fingers or instruments will I allow in there.

My opinion and my surgeon and many here is that the risk of anything stretching the  jpouch anastomosis is too great and should be avoided.

hang in there, better days are ahead!

Hello, Here's the conversation I had with a doc who got my hopes up.

Doctor said not recommended and other places say J pouch should heal after five months so after 5 months would it heal enough for me to at least have my sexuality and anal play lightly? I want to have my feelings back and if I don't I guess I'll die trying. There has to be some sort of way for me to have my sexuality and my self image that I just had back. This is 2023! No one should have to suffer with their sexuality. There has to be some sort of way with this modern technology shit. This is my nightmare become true. Hooray for me. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

@Mark473 posted:

Doctor said not recommended and other places say J pouch should heal after five months so after 5 months would it heal enough for me to at least have my sexuality and anal play lightly? I want to have my feelings back and if I don't I guess I'll die trying. There has to be some sort of way for me to have my sexuality and my self image that I just had back. This is 2023! No one should have to suffer with their sexuality. There has to be some sort of way with this modern technology shit. This is my nightmare become true. Hooray for me. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Yeah, one would think in a day and age when penises can be made into vaginas and vice-versa that we could at least figure out a way for those of us who are gay to have intercourse with a j-pouch. I guess there aren't enough of us to warrant any research into this...

This may need a new thread, but(t), any suggestions on plugs that work well, especially good sizes to start with? The array I see out there is pretty dizzying and some seem too advanced for beginners.