Being gay with a j-pouch

dawn58 posted:

I think that anyone who has a jpouch is told by their doctors NOT to have anal sex. You had surgery there and don't want to disrupt it. I had several surgeries, including a redo, and if there's the smallest possible chance of disturbing anything I would not do it. After being what I have been through, mentally it would not be enjoyable anyway. I think the question to ask if you want anal sex is are there people out there with jpouches whose doctors told them it is okay.

One surgeon I consulted told me it was okay to have anal sex with a J-pouch, but it wouldn't fit large penises. He said he knows patients who do it.

Another surgeon I consulted said no anal, but fingers are okay. 

All the surgeons online I've searched say "no," but plenty of patients do it anyway with various results.

alfmed posted:

Hi, old discussion but still new to a lot of us. I've had my J-Pouch for about three years now, always believing other peoples answers about "NO ANAL SEX". But my question was finally answered from my surgeon himself. He bluntly told me that anal sex for me should be no problem. Not only did enough time for it to heal passed, but he said the pouch is a few inches long, enough to not worry about it getting destroyed. But to start slowly. I HIGHLY recommend you discuss it with your surgeons. It has taken a heavy weight off my shoulders and put my mind at ease. I'm not openly gay (yet) but i managed to have the guts (pun intended) to tell my surgeon how i felt...great decision. 

Have you tried anal sex with a J-pouch yet? What is it like?

Kharma posted:

Hi everyone,

I'm 22 years old, and was diagnosed with UC when I was 15. When I was 16, I underwent 2 surgeries to have the j-pouch after none of the medications seemed to control my UC (aside from Prednisone, which you can't take forever). I've never been in a serious relationship with anyone, as I'm still trying sort out my sexual orientation. However, I feel as though I may be gay or bi-sexual. I'm just curious as to how having a j-pouch can affect your sex life if you're in a relationship or having intercourse with someone of the same gender. Is anal sex possible? This is a really embarrassing thing for me to ask, but I'm just curious in case that day ever comes lol.

Wow! I was 21, when i had my jpouch and my situation and questions were exactly the same as yours. I was too scarred to ask my surgeon about how anything sexual. But now im a very experienced happy gay guy lol, im more than happy to offer advice if you still need it, private message me if so....

Well guys, it's been a while lol.  I was able to get in touch with my surgeon via email to ask him about my concerns.  This was about 3 years ago, months after I made this thread.  He replied and told me that he doesn't advise sex with me as the anal receptive partner.  I emailed him a couple of times after to ask him if there was anything that could possibly be done surgically that would allow me to have receptive anal sex, if I should choose to in the future.  The answer was that he wasn't aware of anything of that nature.

Last November, I went for a colonoscopy (I forget what they call it for j pouch patients) with a different colo rectal surgeon.  I asked him for his opinion and he pretty much agreed with the surgeon who operated on me.  He said that it would be risky for me and depending on my partner's size, for him as well since there are staples in the area where the pouch is attached.  He said I could try it at my own risk, but I would have to be extremely cautious and go slow and use a LOT of lube and preferably with a partner who isn't too big lol.  He told me he usually is happy to tell patients that they can do it, but not in my case.

I also asked him about surgical options and he said there were none.

Still really upsetting, but I'm just trying to accept it for what it is.  It still bothers me a lot but I can guess things could be worse.  hopefully one day there will be something that can be done.  I spoke to someone online a while ago who mentioned that his surgeon said he could do something to make his anal opening larger or something, since it's typically smaller and tighter on us j pouch patients.  Not sure if that would help or is even worth it though.

Thanks for all of the replies guys, and if you have any other advice or tips on coping with this, I'm always willing to listen!

Hi Kharma

Well done on approaching the surgeon, first of all - it isn't easy to pluck up the courage and that's a huge step.

Sorry to hear what they said. It must be a bit of a blow. It was a good idea to get a second opinion, though, and it sounds like the second guy was a bit easier to talk to. How long ago was your surgery? I'm surprised to hear you still have staples. I assumed they'd have come out long ago.

If you're still keen to give it a go then as the surgeons said only you can decide and have to weigh up the risks. I'd echo what they said: be very, very gentle, use lots of lube, and start with a finger. You've had the end of a colonoscopy up there so obviously that's not going to do any damage.

If that's possible, then you're already doing great, and fingers are perfect for prostate simulation. There are all sorts of small toys out there, too. It's not all about genital penetration.

And if it's not possible, then I wish you luck, and will say what I've said before: penetration need not be what gay sex is about. Many people don't enjoy it and choose not to do it.

Good luck x

Cdub posted:

Hi Kharma

Well done on approaching the surgeon, first of all - it isn't easy to pluck up the courage and that's a huge step.

Sorry to hear what they said. It must be a bit of a blow. It was a good idea to get a second opinion, though, and it sounds like the second guy was a bit easier to talk to. How long ago was your surgery? I'm surprised to hear you still have staples. I assumed they'd have come out long ago.

If you're still keen to give it a go then as the surgeons said only you can decide and have to weigh up the risks. I'd echo what they said: be very, very gentle, use lots of lube, and start with a finger. You've had the end of a colonoscopy up there so obviously that's not going to do any damage.

If that's possible, then you're already doing great, and fingers are perfect for prostate simulation. There are all sorts of small toys out there, too. It's not all about genital penetration.

And if it's not possible, then I wish you luck, and will say what I've said before: penetration need not be what gay sex is about. Many people don't enjoy it and choose not to do it.

Good luck x

My surgeries were almost 10 years ago.  Would the staples still be there?  And thank you for your reply. 

I had my surgery in 1999 and radiologists can still see the staples in my CT and MRI scans as well as regular X-rays.

That's really interesting, I've never thought about staples before, and no-one's ever mentioned it. I suppose I assumed they were pushed out as it healed and I passed them, but perhaps not?

If mine are still in there, no-one's ever complained...

Cdub,

I see you are talking about prostate simulation. That is something I have been wondering about as of recent. I have been wondering how to stimulate the prostate with a jpouch. I would assume it is the same place as before? And if so when we have anal sex do we still have prostate stimulation?

Bnlb posted:

Cdub,

I see you are talking about prostate simulation. That is something I have been wondering about as of recent. I have been wondering how to stimulate the prostate with a jpouch. I would assume it is the same place as before? And if so when we have anal sex do we still have prostate stimulation?

Yes, yes and yes, in an answer to your three questions. Unless you've been told otherwise, or have another condition affecting it, it is in exactly the same place and behaves exactly the same way. You can feel it with a finger (after all, that's how doctors check it for abnormalities).

I am 33 yo gay Male with history of intestinal polyps.  I was diagnosed with FAP this past summer which explained a lot as I looked back all those years I thought I had just your average stomach aches.  I had a right colectomy surgery done in Aug 2018 and after healing from the surgery I found out I have FAP which now changed everything. Fast forwarding through that last few months, I started to see a GI specialist at Roswell Cancer institute to gain more insight about my condition and my options. As of yesterday I had a colonoscopy to figure what option would be best and results pointed towards the J pouch surgery. I am a bit terrified because life as a gay Male becomes yet harder, especially when trying to date etc...  I searched the web for a blog or support group and came across this forum.  I am someone going into this, I'm hoping to gain sight from someone who can relate and has coped with this change in lifestyle. How did you all learn to except and cope with this decision at the beginning? What advice could you guys give someone like myself?

Hi Miguelito, sorry to hear about what you've been going through but glad you're getting the right help and advice. You're right, there isn't much information out there about this for us, so hopefully some of what you've read on this page has helped? There are no definite answers as everyone's different, and if you do go down the route of having a j-pouch all I can say is that it changed my life, and I wouldn't go back on it if I could. It's had some disadvantages, not least sexually, but those are outweighed by the positives. Finding someone who really gets you and respects you and your body is part of that journey.

Good luck.

Thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement! Truly appreciative  

Hello,

A few months ago I posted regarding advice and information about an ostomy, since then I have recieved the surgery, going on month 3 with it. A lot has changed in my life since and it's been difficult not having someone of our LGBT community to talk with, I have members of my family who has stomas but there's only so much they can provide conversation wise and I end up feeling alone in this world. I am scheduled for my take down at the end of this month and I am a bit terrified about life after it, what to expect, things I can do etc.. and unfortunately I have no one to talk to as the few members of my family are permanent stoma cases, so I can't pick their brains. If anyone has time to talk please feel free to send me a message, I could really use some help, good conversation and a friend.