My husband has had the j-pouch for about 7 years now. Just recently he had PRT (plasma rich therapy) done to his knees. His specialist tested his testosterone levels, and to no surprise, it was fairly low. He put him on the supplement DHEA. My husband and I barely ever have sex. We are supposed to be in the "honeymoon" stage and barely touch each other. I sometimes feel like I'm married to a friend more than a lover. I try my best to be understanding of his situation. He sometimes doesn't feel good and has arthritis very badly (only 28 years old.) His hope with this new therapy treatment is that he can eventually eliminate the pain medicine he takes for his arthritis. My worry is, I want a baby in a few years and if we barely have sex now, well...who knows if that will ever happen. I'm scared for us. I'm trying to be strong but I don't see how a marriage can work without any physical touch. I feel alone because when I try o talk to him he thinks I'm being overly emotional and insensitive to how he feels. Maybe I am? Anyways, has any other guys out there experienced this with their wives or significant others? Does DHEA work? Are there other methods out there? I'm nervous we won't ever have a baby...and I'm nervous we won't be able to make our marriage work...
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Dhan,
I like to seperate the 2 ideas: sex and physical contact.
Not everyone is able to feel sexy or desire sex post op...your self esteem takes an incredible hit and your self image can plummet.
That may (and does) impact the sexual desire but it shouldn't impact the cuddling.
The number one piece of advice that I would give anyone (boy or girl) is to get back to the cuddling stage. Physical contact without danger (sex can feel dangerous to someone who feels insecure about it) means that the link is not broken.
Touching (holding hands, massaging feet, washing their back, a hug on the sofa...) can bring back old sensations...and reassure the partner that "that part of the relationship' is not over.
Yes, the testosterone levels count and can be improved with hormones (most of the time) but that should not effect the cuddle factor.
There has to be an underlying physcological stress/anxiety (PTSD?) that is preventing him from holding you in his arms or showing affection...he may need support and help from a therapist to get over his anxiety over physical contact with you...
If you love him (and you must or you wouldn't be asking for help here) then gently try to get him to talk about the stress (not the sex) and his self-esteem/self-image...maybe in a non-threatening environment (not the bedroom)...maybe during a long walk.
By the way, exercise and physical activity stimulates hormone production so exercising or working out together is a great way to get back to sharing positive experiences...
Lastly...you need to start laughing together again too...it is truely the best method that I know of to de-dramatizing everything that is happening to both of you.
Good luck with this...I know it is hard but don't give up yet.
Sharon
Thanks for your post Sharon. I guess I should be a little more specific. My husband and I do still cuddle, we do still kiss, we do still give each other back rubs, etc...but it never leads to anything sexual. I have gotten to the point where I'm almost afraid to initiate anything sexual because I know more than likely I'll be turned down. It's upsetting to me that I can't even touch my husband in a sexual way. We are young, we have only been married for 4 months. Is this what I have to look forward to? He works our regularly and I even started to go to his gym in hopes that maybe doing that together would help, it hasn't. It's starting to really effect my mental state and how I feel about myself. I feel selfish that I feel this way...and I want to do whatever I can to help him, but I'm afraid to...
Ok, sorry...I didn't know.
You are doing everything right...and no, this is not how it should be at the begining, middle or end of a marriage, no matter how young or old you are.
You should not feel selfish...you are a normal, healthy woman who has desires and expectations...you are not being unreasonable.
Like I said, reason has nothing to do with this. It is emotions, feelings and hormones.
Hormone levels are probably playing a huge part of it... not sure to what degree...I have heard very good things (and some bad) about testosterone replacement therapy but do not know anything about DHEA other than the fact that a lot of older men are taking it and reporting good results (muscular, joints and ligaments, skin...).
You may need an intermediary to help you guys talk about what is going on if you are feeling rejected and scared of making the first move and getting rejected.
This can be really rough on a couple, especially such an young one.
Good luck
Sharon
ok, you need a man's perspective who has a j pouch and is 7 years out exactly from this operation. it has caused major issues for me as well, but the opposite of what you are experiencing. It took only 2 weeks for my zeal to have sex come back, but my operation severely impeded my former abilities for an Erection, my first orgasm was painful all over down there, but as time progressed, it is now pleasurable. I have moved leaps and bounds since then, I have had to go and testosterone weekly injections, I was low too. I am not a fan of Dhea, my uroligist talked over the options, and wow, the testosterone injections were great, but I needed more help, so I take a pill too. Whatever works, take it...I get severe headaches from it, during sex, but I don't care. Now, the mind part of it, I have ALWAYS had a large sexual appetite, and my ego was severely impacted, and that is saying it mildly. My lady was very patient, but too patient, and that caused issues with us, she lost the urge to push and ask, and if I didn't initiate, nothing happened. It almost broke us up. So, I had to get very real and vocal about what I need. Yes, the j pouch was an issue, but if you really want to stay together, being in a relationship has many levels and variables in it. I need sex for intimacy, not just to have sex. I need to feel connected, loved, and the lack of it puts me on the road towards feeling resentful. I explained this to my lady, and well, your husband may already know he is having ER issues, and on top of that if the j pouch is complicating things, you really don't feel sexy. I suggest this, don't give up, being blunt, he needs to know that if you pleasure him, it doesn't need to lead to sexual intercourse, and work it slowly on frequency from that, you will start to relearn what pushes his buttons all over again. IF he doesn't have a full erection, don't give up, let him get there, and hug him and while all of that is very TMI, guys need to know we are not going to fail during love making, we are put into a category of being all we can be, and when all of that fails, its very depressing and sad for us...he has given up for now, but you can re-introduce the whole touching process, and don't expect immediate intercourse, but also go to the urologist WITH your husband and just be blunt and upfront. Giving him reassurances also help. When he finds his groove again, you will get the credit for helping you to get there, and having a baby and a family is all a very realistic thing to look forward too. You have to also remember, all of the nerves and bloodflow to his penis was REARRANGED down there, nerves and all. So, you need to talk to him and try whatever works, do not expect him to take the lead, you can't be shy on this, or it may not work out at all. Speaking from immediate experience. Now things are on track for me but it took A LOT of time to work it that way. Good luck!!