Not only am I the spouse of someone living the uc trama, I am asking for support to help me deal with my better half. It has been a roller coaster ride..from steriods to 14 procedures later...I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. I am asking for intervention from those dealing with the same frustrations I am..My spouse no longer communicates, shows frustration and anger towards me...I need help!!!
Replies sorted oldest to newest
Steroids will make anyone off the wall let alone chronic illness and continual pain and discomfort.
Unfortunately for both of you, it sounds like your spouse has been through ALOT. Your spouse is angry at his situation,not you. The anger is misdirected at you as you are the closest person to him. If he has had jpouch surgery, this is a very difficult experience for most people and if he has troubles after the surgery as many of us do or have, it can make getting along with anyone difficult.
I know I can tell you to be patient, but it is equally as hard for the well spouse as it is the sick spouse as you feel helpless about the situation because it is out of your control and the typical response when we see our loved one hurting is try to and help fix things. Counseling may be a good idea for your spouse to deal with the illness and ramifications and possible depression as a result. If he needs anti-depressants or some pain medications to help him through this period, a qualified MD and therapist can assist with both. I am sorry for your situation as I can relate to it very well.
Unfortunately for both of you, it sounds like your spouse has been through ALOT. Your spouse is angry at his situation,not you. The anger is misdirected at you as you are the closest person to him. If he has had jpouch surgery, this is a very difficult experience for most people and if he has troubles after the surgery as many of us do or have, it can make getting along with anyone difficult.
I know I can tell you to be patient, but it is equally as hard for the well spouse as it is the sick spouse as you feel helpless about the situation because it is out of your control and the typical response when we see our loved one hurting is try to and help fix things. Counseling may be a good idea for your spouse to deal with the illness and ramifications and possible depression as a result. If he needs anti-depressants or some pain medications to help him through this period, a qualified MD and therapist can assist with both. I am sorry for your situation as I can relate to it very well.
The most important lesson I learned in my nurse's training was to listen and acknowledge. Patients are in an abnormal circumstance and at the mercy of their caretakers. We cannot tell them what to do or what is right, but we can listen to what they are expressing and acknowledge what we think they are trying to tell us. If you can't figure it out, it is OK to say that you want to help, but don't know what is wanted.
Having been on both ends, I can say that just knowing someone cares means more than if they can actually do anything. Try not to lash out when he says stupid things. Best to just walk away and come back later, explaining that you want to help but cannot if he is going to be abusive. Just know it is his frustration that is causing his outbursts, not you.
Of course, shutting down is actually worse than taking it out on you. It means depression that is deep and serious. He does not necessaily need to talk to you about what is bothering him, but he needs to get his head out of the dumps before he is circling thedrain of despair. He needs to know that marriages have been ruined over chronic illness, but it does not have to happen.
Jan
Having been on both ends, I can say that just knowing someone cares means more than if they can actually do anything. Try not to lash out when he says stupid things. Best to just walk away and come back later, explaining that you want to help but cannot if he is going to be abusive. Just know it is his frustration that is causing his outbursts, not you.
Of course, shutting down is actually worse than taking it out on you. It means depression that is deep and serious. He does not necessaily need to talk to you about what is bothering him, but he needs to get his head out of the dumps before he is circling thedrain of despair. He needs to know that marriages have been ruined over chronic illness, but it does not have to happen.
Jan