I hear you loud and clear. I am worse than you are. I still take pain medication and just the thought of the act makes me think of more pain. I feel very guilty. We've only been intimate once, after 2 years, and I used lidocaine (spelling) along with K-Y and it still was painful for me. I think he understands but on the other hand am afraid he doesn't. I am also post menopausal, which you probably aren't. I also have other health problems such as fibromyalgia. I have a doctor's appointment this week and this is on this my list of problems.

I have a suggestion that you discuss this with him and explain how you just don't have the energy you had before. The answer isn't going out to eat either as that is more work than making dinner, for me anyway. Together maybe you can go over everything and figure out ways to take some stress and time consuming chores out of your life. Not make a date for sex time, as that will cause stress. First get rid of the stress and free up time and you will be more rested so you can feel better and then you will hopefully feel ready for action.

I actually think making a date is a good idea. But don't make it just about sex. I think part of the issue is that post surgeries, we all feel a little fragile and need some TLC. So maybe if you have a real date - a movie (even at home), a dinner out, whatever you enjoy - even a long walk together. Time when you can talk and hold hands and enjoy each other. Chances are sex will be more appealing if you are feeling loved and cared for. Let the dishes go one night, postpone the chores - they will still be there the next day.

Hi Megals,
Yes, I think that a lot of us are exactly in the same spot as you are...the pouch has put a crimp on your sex-life...First off there is the pyscological issue about the proximity of the pouch, a source of anxiety, pain and discomfort being next to 'the play room'...I used to say that 'down there was not a place for fun' for me...I've got a k pouch now so there were/are diverse leakage issue, pain and pressure plus exhaustion from all of the surgeries and my lifestyle...but my 'down there' now has a barbie butt so my only issue is the tenderness of the scar tissue.
If you are like most women, you are busy from morning til night and barely have a second to breath...that is not conducive to joy in the bedroom...what I find, after a long and exhausting day, is that a nice, perfumed bath helps me to relax (or puts me to sleep, depends...), feel clean and fresh and if the opportunity presents itself then I am more inclinded to accept knowing that I am clean (empty your pouch pre-bath)...eating light at night so that there is less stuff & gas means less pressure and discomfort in my pouch and during sex (my k pouch is very, very low down and puts pressure on the bladder and other parts below) so it is uncomfortable when full...
The other thing is that you need to make time (hard to do, I know) to just relax in your hubby's arms and reassure him that you are still his wife in an intimate way even if it isn't sex...holding hands, kissing and hugging go a long way to rekindle the fire and then you will find your way back to desire...we do a lot of necking around here...doesn't mean that it goes any further but it puts the kick back in the relationship and reassures both of us that we are not 'dead' yet, sexually speaking.
Hope that this helps...
Sharon

Thank you all for your suggestions and support! It helps knowing that I'm not in this alone, so thank you for that I'm definitely going to try relaxing and taking a bath to ease my anxiety at night. Now if only I can convince myself that I have the energy to start exercising...

You could try doing tiny ankle kicks in the tub...little leg movements too and tightening and releasing the abs...That is how I get back into it post op ususally...don't have a pool or hottub so I just fill the normal one with hot water and move my body a little...once out a nice 'dry' body oil with a subtle fragrance makes me feel a whole lot better and much sexier than when I walked in the front door (hot, sticky, stinky, swollen...)...when it is hot out (like today...Went up to the high 70's after 6months in the 20's & 30's...I am swollen and blistery and smell like a dead mouse...need an ice cold bath with some perfumed salts...we need to pamper ourselves a bit to feel pretty and feminin and a bit flirty.
Sharon

Ask your doctor to refer you to a pelvic pain specialist. You could have nerved damage that makes sex painful. A physical therapist specializing in pelvic pain disorders can do an assessment and give you referrals to pelvic pain docs in your area. But the Physical therapist can help you start having sex again through techniques created for people with pelvic pain issues. It is not in your head. This region has been hit heavy duty with surgery, illness and extreme trauma. Seek help and reclaim your sexual health...

NJK are you thinking potentially Pudendal Neuralgia? There is Physical Therapy and other treatment possibilities if it is.

This can affect sex and the j-pouch problems for men too.

I was told that yoga can help with this issue!

I was having massive extreme pain during sex. Making it absolutely no fun whats so ever. I ended up just cutting out sex to Ended up I had a 5.5 inch complex ovarian cyst. Here's the shocker I'm 27 inches around and my gastro doc told me for years there was nothing there! And I dont have some crappy doc. He's my 5th. And I still had to see 2 OB Oncologists before they could actually locate it, because of the scar tissue build up around it. Ended up getting another (4th open abdominal) surgery. The mass was attached to my j-pouch and my uterus, super painful! But sex now, awesome once again! Still some concern. But as long as I eat early and small meals. Which I should anyways. Im great!! I guess my point is, as we all know sometimes the solution is extremely difficult to find and you start to lose sight of its importance and significance. But getting this one act back has made so many other things better such as the depression. Which makes the idea of sexy so much more feasible.

Sonja, I am so happy for you. It really concerns me that alot of woman loose there sexual desire. I so do not want that! I am currently struggeling with it now, I am currently healing from the second step and have lost so much weight, I feel as I look awful and
I explain this to my husband and he does not get it. In his eyes he still sees the person he had always been attracted to, which is so sweet. For me I have to feel pretty myself and I dont right now. So its kinda been a struggle for me.

I've heard it on all the shows, Dr Phil, Dr Oz, Steve Harvey etc. men really don't care, they still see us as sexy. I think we need to go back to the dating phase, when we took things slower and did things like making out when the expectation of sex was not always there.

I go to the bathroom first, put something under me if I'm having leakage problems and use a warming lubricant on my husband and it all works fine. My husband is okay with the bathroom visit and leakage issues, he is just happy to get sex. When recovering from being ill (in the various forms it takes) I am never in the mood for sex, but do it for my husband a few times a week and it really improves our relationship. I'm not faking it as he knows I'm not well enough to enjoy it yet, but he appreciates my efforts. I'd rather 10 mins in the bedroom and order takeout and skip cooking dinner. At the moment I'm 4 weeks post surgery for an intestine kink and still too worried about pain for sex as I have the usual 30cm (12") cut. When it hurts if you move too much the thought of sex is quite frightening.

You are so cute...I know that your post is going to raise the hackles on the feminists on this site but I tend to agree that we need to keep our spouses contented and comforted and sex is a big part of it all...it is often more a question of reassurance that we are still 'us' and that we love them and less a question of sex for the sake of sex (although that can be good too)...also, when the shoe was on the other foot and hubby was recovering from his heart attack I was impatiently waiting for us to be able to go back to 'Normal' only because for me it meant that he was well again.
Sharon

I'm not talking about sex when you are in pain or ill, but when you are mostly better. My husband has to live with my pouch related issues and a poor immune system that means I end up in bed for a week for a simple cold. I just think that when I'm finally feeling okay, but not yet in the mood for sex, he should get something in life that he enjoys. Not just working and looking after the house and family. I don't think it is sexist, just loving my husband. I know our husbands are annoying and bug us for sex too much, and don't understand how long it takes us to recover or how bad we actually feel and how much of a nightmare yet another surgery is. My husband doesn't care if I don't cook or go to work or clean or iron, he will do everything if necessary, and is happy as long as he is having sex occasionally.

I agree, plus, if you wait until you are both on the same page, it never would happen. My libido has waned since menopause,but somehow my husband manages to push the right buttons to raise my interest.

Part of a good marriage is being receptive to the other's needs. You don't have to sacrifice or be a martyr. 37 years next week!

Jan

Wow Jan,
Congratulations! It only goes to prove that some of us can still last through it all...you are a great example.
Sharon