Kia, I am so sorry for your news! My own mom had lung cancer so I understand how you feel.

It's tough living so far away, but something that helped my mom was having us (my sister and I) go to important doctor's appointments. It's hard to take in all of that information when you're frightened and overwhelmed, also to make decisions about treatments, etc. Help with talking to insurance companies and coordinating paperwork can be a great help as well.

You hang in there, my prayers for your family

Kia, know my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Oh Kia - I'm so sorry. I think the very best thing IS to be that support system. I also think the rest will fall into place as you go on this journey with your mother. I also think it's a blessing to be able to have the time to spend with her as she goes through whatever she will go through.

I've had two dear friends die of cancer in the last couple of months and my brother died of colon cancer 2 years ago (not that I'm assuming that your mother is terminal!). I believe what helped the most was just to be there, to not treat them like they were 'special' because they had cancer, to interact with them the way I always had. My friend who had bone cancer liked me to be around because I wasn't afraid of her cancer. Does that make sense?

I have another friend who was diagnosed with cancer. Her husband had that shell-shocked look and was having a very hard time with her diagnosis (of course). So I just collected her as often as I could and took her around with me - to a job site, to a concert, to a movie. It helped both of them. She did all the treatments; chemo, radiation, and she came through it all. She's just fine today.

I'm probably talking to the choir here because you know all of this having been through what you've been through. I wish the word cancer didn't have such a distressing connotation because I think the prognosis is much better now than in the past and it's getting better all the time.

I hope you have many happy days and months and years ahead with your mother.

kathy

If you can't be there I think the best thing you can do is set up a regular time for her to expect your calls, a few times a week or whatever suits her schedule. If you leave it up to her to call you, then she probably will let it slip through the cracks because she will be consumed with her treatment.

Having scheduled times and days to expect your calls will give her something to look forward to. This way she can vent or whatever, or if she does not want or need to talk about what is going on, you can just keep it light and make small talk. Sometimes the calls may last only five minutes. Other times it may last an hour. So, make sure it is a time you both will have time to relax.

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this on top of all your other issues. I hope her treatment is successful.

Jan

I am so sorry for you and your family Kia,
I know how hard distances can be on a family when one needs the other...Make your availability known, as Jan said, call at specific times and go out there as often as possible...and take it as it comes...There are no rules here...every person is different when facing disease...Everyone plays a different role...is she the type to 'hide her fears' to 'protect you' or the type to 'let it all out' and share the burden? Understand that like all long term illnesses there may be depression, mood swings and changes, a desire to give up one day and fight the next...you need to be her personal cheering section, her sounding board and her psy (not a bad idea for her to go to a specialised group therapy for women with lung cancer)...you also need to encourage the tears and for her to exteriorise what is locked up inside of her (if she is emotionally retentive)...
Mostly you need to give it all for her to know that you love her and are there for her...and let go of your guilt for not being beside her at all times...do what you can and no regrets.
Hugs
Sharon

Thanks so much for all the replies and support.

My sister and dad are with Mom so she isn't alone. My sister has been a rock star with the whole situation and is doing all the right things.

I mentioned the patient navigator to her and forwarded the link. Very helpful.

I spoke with Mom today about the importance of eating and keeping the digestive system "happy" so she doesn't make the common mistake of not taking in plenty of calories. Even though I have a whacked system, I think this is where I will be able to give her guidance. Good to feel I can do something while I am far away.

Kia,

Sorry about your Mom's diagnosis. I just want to add something for you to stress to your sister since she is the one there with your mom. I recently lost my Mother in law who had cancer. She didn't die from the cancer itself but from an infection (c-diff). Her doctors should have caught it A LOT sooner than they did and I believe some terrible errors were made in my MIL's care. Too long of a story to go into but I strongly believe she should still be here with us. She was responding nicely to her treatment. Just make sure everyone is on top of everything and if something doesn't seem right, then it probably isn't. I hope her treatments go well and she is good as new in no time.

I am very sorry for your news and wish you and your family all the best. We went thru this with my mom and I just tried to be there for her. My dad took her to her appointments and my brother and I brought over food, books...

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family! (((hugs)))

I am so very sorry about your Moms diagnosis. I am BC survivor. I went through surgery, chemo, radiation, and oral med's for 5 years (Sept. 7 was five years!!). I promise you that you don't have to be with her physically to provide support. As cliche' as it sounds, I continually say that love is what got me through my journey. Some of that love came from people who couldn't be with my physically. The day to day things will be covered, and when you're with her you can help out --however, the best moral support for me were the 'cancer free' times/conversations. Whether it was a phone call, visit, chat on FB, etc., it didn't matter. There was a time when I realized that I wasn't hearing about anyones problems. I HATED THAT! I let my family and best friends know that the greatest gift they could give me was to stop trying to protect me by excluding me from their daily lives. Of course, they wanted to spare me any/all negativity but I wanted...needed to hear normalcy and of course that included problems; sh*thead husbands, kids, bills, dating, neighborhood gossip, my daughter/son's issues with friends, teachers, love lives, etc. After I let them know, it changed and I cherished every one of those conversations. It also put them all at ease. Cancer takes over your life and all those who love you when you're fighting the beast. Cancer free time is essential and so cathartic for all. As I said, Kia -- you will be doing her a favor by continuing to be her daughter during this process. Don't leave anything out that you wouldn't normally. That can so easily be done in a daily phone call. If she is like me, she would feel horribly guilty if she knew her little girl (no matter how old you are) was continually putting herself out because of her cancer. Living your life and loving her to the best of your ability during this time is what she wants --I promise. She is in for the fight of her life and there is no reason to believe she isn't going to come out on the other side, better than before. I did.

Good luck, honey and please keep us posted. If you ever want to speak privately -- just send me a PM.

Huge, gentle hugs!

Thanks so much, Laurie.

I anticipate a phone call from Mom in about 15 minutes to hear the results of critical test results....genetic markers.

I am hoping for good news.

Hi Kia,

I'm sorry your mom is going through all of this and agree that phone calls mean a lot. My father is elderly and has been in bad health for over 10 years. I call him every week day around the same time and he really looks forward to those calls.

When my step mother was very ill, at the end of her life with cancer he was her main caretaker. I would come every other weekend, 180 miles, to help him and her sister would come the other weekends from around the same distance the other way. If something like that is needed you will figure it out but it appears like you aren't at that stage yet. Plus you live much further away.

Kia, it's my pleasure to help you in any way I can. Please let us know about the results and hang in there. We are all here for you for support.

Kia, have you received any of the results?

xox

How is your mom doing? Like Laurie said we are all pulling for your mom and family. Please update us when you can.

Thank you for the concern.

The genetic markers were not in her favor. Today she was off to a cancer center for the second opinion. I haven't heard back yet.

I continue to pray.

Thank you for the update. I'm praying too. God Bless you all.

Kia,

I pray that the news improves, but regardless, know that this journey will bring you closer to your mom than you could have imagined. Take care and think positive thoughts.

Jan

Hi Kia,
My Mom was diagnosed with cancer last year - tumours are on the outside of her bowel. Chemo caused her to be weak, and she fell and broke her hip. Chemo also caused a heart attack and pneumonia so she is no longer on anything.

Like your situation, my Dad and sister are with her and my sister has also been a rock star.

If you need anyone to bounce things off of, please send me a message.

Prayers for you, your Mom and family.

I've had lots of experience with people battling cancer.
One thing stands out to me.
A good friend had a soft tissue cancer in his knee that spread to his lungs before it was diagnosed. This happened to be a rare cancer that only 3 doctors in the USA knew anything about. He saw all three doctors. (just back story info) He was a husband, father, and step father in his late 20's. He died at 29.

As time went on during his battle, he told all his friends except me and my boyfriend that the cancer diagnosis was a mistake. Partly because for a brief time period, he was in question but when it was decided that was definitely what he had, he kept the same story of it being a mistake. (when he passed and I was calling his friends, that was an interesting conversation)

He actually told me that as much as he loved his parents, he didn't like to visit with them too much but he liked visiting with me and my boyfriend.
The deal was.. he wanted to be treated as who he was by his friends and family. He didn't want to hear "cancer" 24/7. That's all his parents would talk about. That's what most of his friends wanted to talk about. What my boyfriend and I would do was spend all our spare time with him and his wife and kids as long as he felt up to us coming over and "hanging out". When we got there, we spent 5 minutes or less getting an update on his health/how he actually felt or the most recent doctor's appointment. Then a couple of hours playing poker or other games or watching tv gossiping about mutual friends and telling stories. Just like before he got sick.

Moral of the story.. a cancer patient is MUCH MORE than a cancer patient. Don't forget that. Your own fear of it being terminal, etc can make remembering this harder than you may think. He despised being talked to like a patient and didn't put up with it any more than he had to. And a side note... because of how I handled it, he ended up saying things to me he couldn't say to his parents, his wife, etc. And since he grew up with my boyfriend, it gave me a chance to start preparing my BF for his death. He passed much quicker than the doctor's had said he would. And he knew in his gut they were wrong. (there was a mistake and some test results got messed up. That's why the doctor's prediction was so off)

Jen

Very good advice Jen. My daily calls to dad are filled with what we did that day including what's for dinner and what the latest project my husband is doing around the house and my dad loves to talk about all the projects he did around his houses and the house he built. We go to happy times. We also talk about how my husband and I are driving there Sunday to take him to an important medical appointment at the University hospitals Monday but we end up talking about the low mileage on our cars or my son's wife who is expecting a baby girl the end of July. Talk about life.