I have no doubt that you had some mental "stuff" going on during this and other exams, but this also sounds like some real physical pain. The fact that your skin was irritated and there was bleeding seems to me to be enough evidence that real physical trauma was occurring. The anal canal and surrounding skin is loaded with sensory nerves, so your pain was real. Plus, if you were very anxious, that would add to your pain, in addition to causing your muscles tense up and making the exam more difficult.

Shame on those earlier doctors for telling you it wouldn't hurt! My doctors did warn me it would hurt, but that at least it would only be 10-15 minutes (this was before they invented the flexible scopes).

People who haven't been poked and prodded this way when there is active inflammation going on don't understand. Plus, it can be just plain humiliating, particularly when you are young.

Jan

I am so sorry Kia,
I know the feeling of having perfect strangers look up your most private parts especiallly when they are inflamed and in pain...I grew up having those exams monthly at times, at best bi-annually...yes, they were painful and humiliating but I grew a tough skin somehow...I learned to dissociate the act from the person...I sent my brain to a better place while my body suffered the assault...there were no anesthesias for those exams back then and even if they exisited they were never on offer to kids...we were supposed to not feel the pain...grow up and forget it...or at least that was the theroy. I think that you are fortunate that you can cry...it is a sign that you still have a soul...and a heart. Mine may have dried up like a raisin...crying means that you can still heal...and that you are still alive inside...so congratulate yourself that in spite of the horrors that you have lived through and are still going through now, you have retained your humanity and your soul...
Hugs
Sharon

hugs to you!!

Thank you, ladies. I appreciate your replies.

I'm not so much humiliated as, like most of us, I've been "exposed" for years. After a while, I just figured they're docs and I don't have anything they haven't seem before.

My issue is more the pain. Thank you for the validation as I am more accustomed to being told it shouldn't hurt. Today's doc didn't say that...just in the past.

Sharon, I have read many of your posts and I am amazed at your strength. I know it's a double edged sword....a survival mechanism.
To a much lesser degree than you, I have at various times in my life shut down/disconnected/cared for nothing/was an empty shell. It was definitely for survival.

I can disconnect when my body is causing me pain. That's how I get through until the wave passes. But when pain is imposed on me via rectal exams, I don't seem to be able to shut it out. I think it's bc someone else is doing it to me and I have no control over it.

Eh, I'm rambling. Many years ago I decided it was time to put the emotional bagagge aside and move forward. Unfortunately, it's being resurfaced somewhat.

I thought I was a very strong person until my surgeries and I fell apart. My Internist and my case nurse from my insurance company both kept on me until I went to a mental professional.

I knew I had depression and anxiety, I'd had those before but could deal with them better. From reading on here I thought I had PTSD and I was diagnosed with it as well. I didn't understand how I went that way until the therapist and I started EMDR therapy. I had to go back to my first trauma and it was Momma trauma. I'd stuffed a lot over the years as I was emotionally and physically abused as a young child. I've had other trauma's but it all went back to after my parents divorce that I paid for by receiving her rages.

I think you made a break through today and things are going to get better. It sounds like you are in therapy so that's great. If you want to roll up in a ball and cry I say do it, let it all out. Of course you can't do it in the middle of the grocery store but in private it will help.

I had a straight scope a year ago, vs flexable, by my surgeon with no pain or any kind of medication. It hurt like hell and I'll never have one of those again. It didn't last long,thank God. He didn't take any biopsies but diagnosed "a little bleeding" at the cuff, gave me a 2 week prescription and said he'd see me in a year. This web site has been so wonderful I knew it was cuffitis and called my GI for an appt. when I got home. Long story short I also had a c-diff infection so I think I understand how bad your scope was.

Big girls can cry...

Kia,
When I was 14 they did a gracillis muscle flap on me to rebuild the anal sphincter...The surgery was horrific, the post op even worse, the complications terrible and then one day 2 orderlies came and took me 'upstairs', put me on a table and were told by the surgeon to 'hold her down'...he then cut and resutured the anal sphincter (the sutures had popped) without any anesthetic...they held me down by the shoulders and hip...and I dissociated...volentarily and as well as I could...I repeated a mantra over and over and told my mind to go to a better place...I do not know if I was 'meditating' or doing self hypnosis but whatever it was, it worked...I felt the pain in my body, but not in my mind and they had to 'wake me up' when it was over...I have been using that technique for years now with some success...I was lucky to find it...it has helped me through a lot of very painful surgeries and exams....
Don't give up the fight, whatever you do...we are so very strong and fragile at the same time...sometimes we do need a little (or big) cry...
Hugs
Sharon

Gee Sharon, what a terrible story. I sure am glad you figured out a way to survive it and not wind up a serial killer or something. I can see holding a kid down for a shot or something, but anal sutures?! Yikes! We've all been through some pretty awful experiences, but I think yours take the cake! Mine were pretty tame by comparison, and I think I had some doctors with humanity...

Jan

I was a Duke in N.C. at the time and I had had bad reactions to anesthesia before so I guess that they didn't want to put me back under...But they never warned me (not sure if they warned my mother or not)...I was taken back to my room...shattered...hurting, hating anyone and everyone who had done that to me...and it wasn't the last time...they did it again less than 2 weeks later...
It took 4 more years and a whole lot of pain for a G.I. doctor (may God bless his soul) at Duke as well to tell me that I was a human being, not a case and that I had rights...the right to say No. The right to demand humane treatment, pain killers, anesthesia and consideration...he changed my life...
The 70's were a horrible time for the treatment of kids in hospitals...
My mom was a nurse back then and even she would tell me to shut up and suck it up when a doctor or surgeon was doing or how he was mistreating me....it was a sort of cult thing...the doctor is always right, the nurse in admiration no matter what he says or does...Things have changed greatly since then...Thankfully.
In 1979 I went back for my 2nd gracillis muscle flap. (the first one snapped during a major flare) and they had a sadist run a gamut of tests on me first (suspisions of Hersprungs disease)...they had me in a hospital gown on a freezing table, they put electrodes into my vagina, peritnium and in my anus...pushed 2 tubes up them with freezing water running through me and then sent electric shocks through those needles. (felt like some sort of torture)...it lasted over 2hrs...I complained of the cold and was told by the doctor that he wasn't cold (he was wearing a turtleneck and gown over it)...I sobbed. I Have never hated a doctor more...
I hope to all that is holly that he has never ever practiced that exam on a child again (or an adult for that matter).
Sometimes when I was a kid, life sucked.
Then I grew up.
Sharon

Gosh, Sharon. I read your post days ago and haven't stopped thinking about it. My experience doesn't begin to hold a candle to what you have endured. I can't begin to comprehend what you went through. That was just barbaric, worthy of malpractice and a lawsuit! Well, maybe not then but certainly these days! I am so sorry about all you have endured.

You've mentioned developing a thick skin and detaching yourself. I can understand that and I am quite convinced it was most necessary. Have you ever gone for therapy in the years since? I just wonder bc you mentioned how you can't cry anymore. I went through a brief period like that and I don't think it is a good place to stay. You, too, need emotional healing. ((HUGS))

As for me, I saw my psychiatrist on Thurs and told her how I found this forum. I mentioned how it has validated the physical, as well as psychological, issues I've had. She repeatedly said she thought it was wonderful. She said she believes I have done quite well, emotionally, despite my history. However, she has always felt there was more healing needed and she's glad I've found this forum.

I mentioned to her that I know I have/do suffer from depression, anxiety and fear as a result of all this. And that I am quite sure I suffered from PTSD for years following my J Pouch surgery, but I am not sure that it is a factor anymore. I just don't know and there is a certain amount that I have put aside....I just won't let myself "go there." At this point I don't know if it is worth digging up, but maybe I have not come to peace with it as much as I think. I hope I am making sense.

She understood what I was saying and said it is very possible I would relive the experience if we dig it up. She's willing to go there if I want to, but that it's up to me.

I am thinking about it. Initially, I thought I'd leave it alone. But, I don't know. I think there may be some additional closure and healing if, for the first time, I could verbalize to someone the emotional trauma I experienced.

I didn't see why we had to go back to the past and thought I'd dealt with it all. I was helped by doing it and remembered details I didn't even know I would remember.

It's like digging it up from your subconscious brain, dealing with it now and filing it in the conscious vs letting it stay and fester underneath. That's how my therapist explained it to me. I tried EMDR as my step-sister suggested I needed that therapy. I am now a believer. The initials don't describe how the therapy has evolved. My EMDR is nothing done with eye sight. Whatever therapy you use that's what you want to do. Getting things out of your subconscious, that you don't even know are bothering you is a good thing. Think of it as taking a folder out of a hidden file cabinet and refiling it in the correct file cabinet.

I've figured out why I shut down and don't argue with people that berate or rage against me. It's because as a child I had to keep quiet or things would escalate. I don't let people walk all over me I just refuse to participate in that kind of behavior. Now I don't get mad at myself for not raging back as I know why. It has not changed my behavior but I've figured out why I behave the way I do. It is correct, in my mind, to deal with problems when all are rational, vs screaming at each other.

I hope this makes sense to you.

Sharon,
How amazingly strong you are! I got goose bumps reading your story.
Kia,
We are all wishing you the best and yes this forum really helps so much. I just wish there was more I could do in return. I am astonished how knowledgeable so many of you are espectially Jan.
I must admit I never thought I would be part of an internet based group and this and my lymphoma
web based group have made a world of difference to me. Thank you.

Kia,
I lived in a world where people didn't go to therapy although I did have a couple of very negative experiences with a psy when I was very young (everything was about sex for him...I was worried about infertility, he said that I needed sex, I was worried about incontinence, he said I needed anal sex...I was 14 at the time but intelligent enough to dump him rather quickly..)I don't do well with Freudians...I tried group thereapy at the Sick kids hospital after that...the problem was less in my head than in my body...I was sick, incontinent and in pain and they kept putting me into groups with spoiled brats with drug problems...I deal well with the medical stuff, I can understand that side but I don't do well with patent rudeness of certain medical professionals who do not think that patients are human...that is where my rage lies...injustice.
I have a very strange hubby...primitive in many respects by his age and education (terrified of illnes, hospitals, blood...) but incredibly sensitive and insightful when I least expect it...and so surprising because he is the one who heals me...the unexpected surprises and delicate attentions that prove that he loves me unconditionally...(scrubbing toilets, cleanning up my sh-tn after an exploded pouch, making me tea...) I need to be needed and I need to help others...I feel good when my experience can be put to good use and prevent others from suffering what I did...
I have never met a therapist here who wants to delve into the medical aspects...they all want to know if my mother botched my toilet trainning (I had no rectum...I am sure that she did better than most under the circumstances!)
My parents taught me to hide my tears, cry alone in the shower (still do) and to never show weakness...my hubby says to let it all out...he comes from a 'loud' family who hide nothing...they are teaching me how to exteriorise my emotions...not bad and cheaper than therapy! An afternoon with them sounds like a flock of geese in a shopping bag...noisy and the feathers are flying everywhere! They let it all hang out, talk about gas, hemaroids, prolapsed organs...a very cathartic experience...so, I have found my own way to heal...doesn't mean that I am not scarred but at least most have healed over...
one day, maybe I will find a professional who clicks with me but for now, as long as I am working, busy, have a family to care for and a moderately healthy pouch I am happy...
Sharon