Thank you so much for your help & support. It's nice to hear there are people out there who will love you for YOU. I won't tell the guy on the first date next time. Maybe I'll wait for date #3 or 4, or later. But it will be scary again to tell someone since I may get rejected again, not doing wonders for my self-esteem right now. He actually told me he couldn't "deal" with that right now. But he doesn't see I'm dealing with much more. Anyway, maybe he just wanted a physical relationship and was uncertain if I was even "sex-able". Or whatever. Thanks everyone, you are the REAL beautiful people I know.

Love,

Its hard to always follow this but rejection and faliure is part of life. To be succesfull you have to fail in anything. Dont get down if anyone else rejects you for the bag, because at the end of the day somebody will accept you. You may reject somebody for their personality, that person is probably not changing his personality so you dont need to change anything... you are who you are. Every person has something to offer....you just have to find somebody that your offer is right...

I've been in your shoes, and while I don't have a ileo anymore - my best advice is don't make a big deal about it when sharing. It's only as big of an issue as you make it out to be. Play it cool and reassure that it's not a big deal.

My fiancée will be having an ileostomy soon and although I knew she was sick when I met her, as she got sicker I never wanted to leave. Ultimately, if the person you love would reject you because of an ostomy, it's likely that something else would have led to the relationship ending any way. You will find someone who can accept you and love you regardless; you must be honest and truthful and remember that you are a whole person; you aren't defined by a bag!

I am sorry that he did that too you. That sucks. I had a bag for a while and the ex had an affair. I know that there are men out there who would be just fine with it. I now have one and he loves me for who I am. I do have a pouch, which does make it a little easier. I wish you the best and remember the bag does not define you.

I see that mostly women have responded here but let me give you the perspective of a 45 year old single man.

I don't necessarily think you were "rejected" because of the bag as opposed to maybe telling this guy too much too soon. I am always spooked by women who tell me too much about themselves early on in a dating relationship. In one case, I met a recently divorced woman close to my own age and she went on and on about the child custody issues she was having with her ex. I really did not want to hear it - basically I don't need someone bringing tons of baggage into a relationship as opposed to trying to start anew.

In another case I dated a woman and commented on how beautiful her nails looked. She then told me they were fake and her real nails were badly chewed underneath. Did I really need to hear this? Totally turned me off.

I respectfully submit that had you not laid the bag on the guy right off the bat your relationship may have been allowed to naturally grow, and he may have developed feelings for you to the point where when you advanced to the sexual stage, it would not have mattered to him. Or maybe it was not meant to be, bag or not. Who knows?

I did date a woman who, after our relationship started, and had developed, was in a very bad accident that left her with a rather gruesome abdominal scar. The scar did not bother me at all. If I had not had a prior relationship with her, I suspect it may have.

So the bottom line is sometimes it's best not to spring potentially heavy stuff on someone in the infant stages of a relationship.

Thank you.

I think I will also look for older guys now. They seem more mature.

Love,

Hi Jenivi, just thought I'd share my experience with you. I found the most amazing guy when I had my ostomy and was terrified of telling him about the bag. We dated for 2 months and I still hadnt told him. We were even sexually active. I would wear a tube top around my waist during sex and told him I didnt want him to see my scars. If he would start to reach for my stomach my guard would come up and I would instantly push his hand away. If he would ask about my surgeries, which he did often, I would give him a vague response, like "I had stomach surgery". Then one day I told him I had to have the surgery because I had ulcerative colitis. Well, hes a smart guy, so he did his research and he found out on his own. I later found out that he knew all along what I had because he could feel the bag haha. I struggled for months feeling horrible and worrying so much about how I'd tell him, when it turned out to be no big deal at all. We had a pretty good laugh about that.

Things work out how they're supposed to in the end. If something is meant to be, it will happen. And believe it or not, there are some great guys out there. I found mine when I stopped looking and I think thats how it usually happens. Don't do what I did and hold back on telling your dates about your bag for 2 months, but definitely dont tell them on the first couple of dates. I'd say that if the conversation goes there around the 4th date, mention that you had ulcerative colitis and had to have stomach surgery. No biggy. That way you don't have to get into the specifics.

I also wanted to let you know that when I first got my ostomy I would look in the mirror and cry, everyday, because of what I saw. I felt like a mutant. I want you to know that that feeling goes away. You are not disgusting. You are healthy again. Guys like girls who are healthy. Plus, you probably look and feel WAY better now that you're not really sick! Enjoy having your life back, babe, and don't let anyone bring you down

I haven't forgotten about this helpful advice. I talked to the guy again casually and he made a comment about people having preferences with all kinds of things when it comes to dating (tall vs. short, blonde vs. brunette, etc.).

Anyway, I'm pretty sure it won't work out with him so I'll just move on and hope the next one is better. thx again.

Love,

Hi, Jenivi.

Next time you talk with him, tell him you have some preferences when dating as well:

mature vs. immature

smart vs. stupid

warm & caring vs. cold & calculating

and if I may use some Yiddish:

mensch vs. schmuck

One more experience, this time from a K poucher...ok, the stoma is smaller and there is no bag but there is the major scaring and the constant degrees of leakage...I live in Paris, France, the capital of narcicistic body conscious jerks, fashion models and women who never gain an ounce through out their lives...I was in serious trouble here...So for 20 years I was single, dated and found love and rejection in equal quantities..usually for every reason possible other than the stoma (although I did get dumped royally by a really cute guy because of it! Too bad for him )
I didn't talk about it or even warn the guys, I just waited 3 months to see if the realationship would go anywhere before even thinking about physical stuff (usually I got a good idea of who and what they were made of by the end of 3 months with no sex! )
My husband (yes, I got me one!) was the most oversensitve, uptight, hospital phobic person you could ever wish to meet: couldn't even watch someone throw up without throwing up himself! there was no way that he could survive me and George (my k pouch). Well love does strange things to people and he has just lived through 11 surgeries in the last 8 years and held my hand through it all..including prolapses 10 inches long and ****ting on his grandson when my pouch exploded on his head!
When it is right, well, there is nothing you can do to stop it and when it is wrong nothing is going to make it right...I hate to say it but follow you gut instinct ( ) and you will never go wrong...
Lots of love and luck and hugs from Paris and please trust me, it will get better, just give yourself time.
sharon

The stoma focuses your relationship compass and filters out the timewasters. Believe me, its a blessing in disguise.

you guys are great!