Hello I am young (28) and recently had my ileo surgery. All went well. I went out on my first date (fast, I know! but just movie with a friend from school). I am still recovering, but he is a good friend of mine, so I just went out for a couple hours to his place. Since we were friends, I just told him about the bag when I was there (better sooner than later I hear).

Well, he kinda grimaced when I told him (maybe I said too much). He knew I was sick, but not THAT sick to have a bag. He was nice enough to tell me that it is not for him and wants to just be friends again. I am hurt.

Just want to know if there is hope. Anyone with ileo find love with an ileo? I know j-pouch may be easier, but I don't think I can get one. The doctor said I may have Crohn's. I think I am ugly now and if you are dating and have the choice, why would you choose someone with a bag over someone without one? Sorry if I'm rude, but I think it is true.

*oops I forgot to change my signature*

Love,

Why would you choose someone with a bag? Well, probably because having an ostomy is not WHO you are. The kind of person you are - your heart, mind, and soul have Nothing to do with how your digestive system works and how your body expels waste.
Obviously this would be very hurtful, but don't let one person's opinion hurt your self-esteem or question your self-worth.
Perhaps your friend has never known anyone with an ostomy and judged the situation based on some pre-conceived notion.
Yes, some people are probably 'put-off' by the idea of it. But I would say that this is most likely due to lack of knowledge. Perhaps he just needs some time to absorb the information, and when he realizes that you're still the same person and are living your life then he will be more accepting.
People who cannot look past our differences, whatever they may be, are not worth our time or effort. It is their loss, not ours.
And don't think that you're ugly! It will take time to accept the changes but hopefully you can build your confidence and love your body. Surround yourself with people who care about you and accept you, not people who judge you and make you feel badly.

Having the ostomy does not mean you will not find a partner. They can not have you without a bag, so they'll accept you for who you are. There will be some that will be disgusted but some that will not have one problem with it. Trust me they rather have you healthy with a bag then not healthy with a colon....
He is one of those people thats easily turned off by things like these, thats not his fault that who he is. There are others that dont find anything wrong with it and dont mind it at all.... Just one advice dont say this on the first date. This is no different if you have diabetes, IBS, Asthma..... let the person get to know the rest of you....

I am 24 and have had my ileostomy since August 07. I have a disconnected j-pouch, but it is unlikely it is ever going to be functional or connected. I too have felt awkward (and ugly) since the bag, but I have been on dates with guys and they have not had problems with it. Most of the time they don't really understand much about it, but I recommend you don't share it on the first date. Unfortunately an ileostomy is going to be part of our lives, but it has definitely improved the quality of my life. Don't give up. The more comfortable you become with it, the easier it'll be.

Hi there,

Just wanted to let you know there are men who don't seem to care at all about extraneous items such a ostomy bags. I'm lots older than you but here's a quick synopsis of my last year. I met a man in April of 2007, a month before I went to the doctor for my first ever colonoscopy. I have never had a problem of any sort but at age 62, I knew it was way past due. Unfortunately I had a large mass and it was precancerous. Because of its location and size it, along with my rectum and a part of my bowel had to be removed, and I had a temp. iliostomy. My new friend John, soon to become my boyfriend (ha ha ha... at age 62 (and he's even older) it funny to think of boyfriend and girlfriend) could have cared less. At one point when I was having problems with adhering the ring, he sat outside the bathroom and offered to fix it. I could not let him, but I know he would have done it and not thought much about it. At intimate times, I just kind of hid it as it was not either of our primary interests. I was able to have my iliostomy reversed, but I know either way John loves me and it has nothing to do with a bag, or saggy baggy skin, or some fat, it has to do with how much we enjoy each other's company and how happy we are when we are together AND we are getting married July 19th. I know I am so very fortunate to have found such a wonderful man. But there is nothing particularly special about me. I'm far from beautiful, used to be fat (hence baggy saggy skin), not rich, not particularly brillant, just kind of an everyday kind of person, other than I'm pretty nice.

I'm sharing this with you because your friend has issues that not all people have. If you care about yourself and make the best of what life gives you, and work at being the best you can and the happiest you can then good will happen sooner or later.

Don't give up. There are thousands of people living with all kinds of medical issues and many of them have love and sharing and caring in their lives.

Aren't we fortunate to have all these wonderful people to share our lives and selves with.

Hope I've helped you a little bit.

I was dx with UC 4 months after getting engaged. My husband had every opportunity to run. Not only did he stay, but when I had on going problems iwth my j-pouch, he was the first to suggest that I should consider going back to the bag. It is an absolute non-issue to him and in fact sometimes I get frustrated because he really forgets that there is anything different about me. Of course, I'd rather have it that way!

So, it is possible, and in fact, it can be helpful for you to know early on if someone has an issue. If they do, then they probably aren't the right one, even if you didn't have an ostomy. What is important is who you are and what you can offer someone. The ostomy doesn't change that.

Better to find out now, then after the relationship progressed. One thing I have to say about my fiance, with all his faults, my bag was never an issue. In fact he wasn't sure I should have had the takedown. He even quite often says he thinks I should go back to the bag. I have friends who have asked to see it. They actually thought it was cool. At the time I couldn't change it, so I just went with it. I usually told people who were close enough to ask me about my health. I suffered with UC for a little over 20 years. If I could go back, I'd take having a bag and being healthy, over having UC. Take care of your self. Think about you first. Anyone who says "that's really not their thing," kick 'em to curb girlfriend!

i agree with Pixie 100%...also, when i had an ileo i "found love" and after i had takedown we broke up for reasons that had absolutely nothing to do with my health...and i am not at all turned off by the idea of a guy having a bag- it's not even an issue.

It's only one date, one guy. Don't let it get you down.

I think sometimes my wife would rather I have a perm ileo then go back to the pouch with all of the trouble I have had. She just wants me to be alive and healthy.

I was lucky enough to have found a good guy before I got sick, but I know he would have been okay with it if the timeline had been reversed as well. His father is a GI and he's always been interested by medical stuff. When I was ashamed of my stoma and felt gross, he asked to see it. Not to make me feel better, but he just really wanted to see it even if it was surrounded by a bag filled with my poop. When I had a leak while we were sleeping, he got up and changed the sheets while I cried in the bathroom. i was rediculously embarassed and he begged me to stop apologizing. He didn't see what the big deal was. All this to say that there are people out there who are not only not put off by it but are interested as well. I know it's rediculously corny and I sound like a mom speaking to a 12 year old, but someone who sees you for the incredible person you are will see past it. They get that it's not our fault. We did nothing to make this happen to ourselves. There will always be the ones out there who don't get it, but you can't grow old with someone like that.

I think it's easy for all of us who have had ileostomies to say it's normal, but I know before I got mine I was a little turned off by the idea my self. The fact is the majority of the population doesn't like to discus "poop" so when you tell someone you have poop coming out of your stomach into a bad they are naturally grossed out and turned off. It's more of the understanding part that people need to see. As others said I would wait at least a couple dates to describe in detail on what you have. Once someone gets to know your personality and who you are, your body isn't going to be such a big thing. I think the only guys that would not go out with you because of that, are the guys that aren't worth your time, the one's that are with you for physical matters rather then both physical and emotional.

quote:

why would you choose someone with a bag over someone without one?

Simply, Attraction isn't a Choice, It just happens

And yes u can find Love with ileo, and this is not a theoretically speaking, it happened to me and i'm sure u can get a many successful stories from here.

And for me it's much better to get rejected cause of my Ileo (Something that i didn't choose) than get rejected cause i'm boring or muscle head or any reason regarding my personalty.

You just picked the wrong person and the wrong time also.

I never use to tell about my ileo in the 1st date, cuz she didn't got the right to know about it while i still didn't made my mind if i want to go more or not, or if she is the right person or not.

then after 3 or 4 dates and if i found that everything is ok and chemistry is built, i use to tell.

Just don't be afraid while telling it or let him feel that u feel it's a weak point in u "it's just a different plumbing system "

You said you recently got your ileo, so it is likely you are still adjusting too.
You will become more comfortable and less conscious of your bag over time.

When I had mine I was so aware and worried about it. My boyfriend was still attracted to me- at first I was surprised (because of my sensitivity about it not that he acted any different towards me). He asked me if it was him "Wouldn't I still like him?" He got me there... When it's the right person they love you no matter what.

You will find that person for you. It might take many people and many dates to feel comfortable... go with your gut! As long as your are true to yourself, you will never be rejected. His loss, by the way!

I give you credit for getting out there!

Best of luck!

Your feelings of rejection are so very real and must be difficult to cope with. Some great things were said above about you'll become more settled with your bag as your health and time advance.

The one thing I can say from experience as the partner of the diseased person, is that your friend more than rejecting YOU, he likely was scared from lack of understanding. I remember how the idea years ago of Mark and the bag was horrifying to me, to us. It seemed like it meant the end of the world. Your friendw as likely conceptualizing the bag, disease, your health in an early reaction phase of "wow...you are really sick." But as we all know, life goes on and the bag is becomes just a small part of that life. He has no idea of any ofyour situation so he reacted quickly and out of fear (or lack of information).

This doesn't make it easier that it happened, but you may want to give him time, even educate him, show him Mark's photo blog. Your situation happens to others who are beautiful and healthy (even with the bag). Hold your head up high, know you are attractive, you are a survivor and educate him on the reality (not his current fear based reality).

Megan

Someone on this site once said something to the effect that with a bag/chronic illness, you have a built-in bull**** detector. I like that--saves you a lot of time.