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wife no longer wants to have sex...
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my wife informed me tonight that she is no longer interested in having sex with me.
i have very significant erectile dysfunction since takedown. i'm the man i was before surgery about 4 times a year and beyond that the surgery has turned me into a two pump chump. if i can get it up at all...
i can understand where my wife is coming from and in a sense im relieved but on the other hand i feel betrayed. i was very agressively pushed into this by her and my surgeon, i had no interest in having the surgery, ever. i could see all the things that are a result of this long before they occured. i told her and my surgeon that i need my independance and this will take it from me which it has. that said...ive made my peace with most of it until my wifes comment tonight.
there is a legitimate part of me that sees this marriage ending slowly and coldly because im not sure i can respect someone who would push me into something like this and then say such a thing. i mean the level of pressure i would feel if i ever attempted to have sex with her again is astronomical.
the relieved part of me thinks im overreacting but both parts of me have no idea how i can stay "happily" married to her now.
i feel like i should be angry but i feel more shut off...

your thoughts?


question surgeons, after all they're part salesman.
 
Posts: 24 | Location: St. Paul, MN | Registered: December 09, 2012Report This Post
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That's horrible Frowner I understand your feelings of betrayal here. This is a very huge issue for any marriage. Now I wonder if you ever tried Viagra or over the counter erectile disfunction aids such as yohimbe extract, avena sativa, L-arginine, saw palmetto, tibulus terrestris, ginseng?
 
Posts: 5 | Location: Kenilworth | Registered: December 08, 2012Report This Post
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i would consider taking viagra if insurance still covered it but considering its roughly $25 a pill, not a chance.
anything over the counter i dont touch and i dont trust. ive already been blessed with a permanent case of pvc's related to my ibd that limits certain medications that are actually tested by some governing body. no way im gonna risk further problems to my health to something like yohimbine...
i'm more interested in the psychological aspect of what to do in this situation.


question surgeons, after all they're part salesman.
 
Posts: 24 | Location: St. Paul, MN | Registered: December 09, 2012Report This Post
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quote:
i would consider taking viagra if insurance still covered it but considering its roughly $25 a pill, not a chance.

Jeez! I can't freaking blame you for not touching it Frowner or anything else for that matter. I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Hopefully somebody here can help you since I honestly don't know what to tell you now. I'm just sorry they ever talked you into a J Pouch to begin with Frowner
 
Posts: 5 | Location: Kenilworth | Registered: December 08, 2012Report This Post
Picture of CTBarrister
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Viagra is about $25 a pill, but if it is any consolation, you get a 15% discount if you are a AAA member. So if you get 4 pills for $100 that would be $15 off or $85. Granted, it's a meager savings, but better than nothing.


CTBarrister
UC - 1972 as a 9 year old
Takedown 1992
Chronic Pouchitis Onset 1995
Still J Pouching 2014
 
Posts: 3027 | Location: Connecticut, USA | Registered: April 12, 2007Report This Post
Picture of kathy smith
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I think it would be very good for you to talk with a therapist about this. I think you need to embrace the fact that your wife didn't actually push you into this. She might have strongly suggested that you have the surgery because your health was horrid, but unless she drugged you and dragged you unconscious into the operating room without your knowledge, you actually chose to have the surgery. No one can make you do want you really don't want to do.

If you have ED and can only perform 4 times per year, it seems like your sex life was nearly non-existant already. It seems like you want to blame your wife for a number of things that really aren't her fault. Yes, she may not want to have sex any longer and that is definitely her choice. But it seems to me that you're harboring some resentment and anger toward her that may not be completely justified. Therapy could help with this. You should see if you can find a therapist who is familiar with chronic illness.

You need to decide whether your marriage is worth working on. If it's not, and you have too much resentment toward your wife, it may be time to move on.

From the female perspective, I find it interesting that all comments so far are purely about having sex and not about underlying causes or cures. Sex is only part of a healthy and loving relationship.

kathy Big Grin


***********************************************************
Lately it occurs to me, what a long strange trip it's been..... Grateful Dead
 
Posts: 9461 | Location: california | Registered: June 30, 2000Report This Post
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for the record...
i had never experianced ED of any form in my entire life until takedown surgery.
i wasnt that sick, medication wasnt working very well but i was exceptioanlly functional.
this was brought to my attention by my doctor in regard to the medications not working very well and continuously brought up by my wife as the magic pill that will make me "all better" and my doctor sold it right to the end as such.
anyone can claim im displacing or whatever but the fact is you arent given an option to just take steroids until you die, they wont let you. yes, i was told that...
spare me the quit blaming your wife speech!
no one is blaming her but we are all responsible for the things we say and do. you either have a thought as to how better deal with it or you dont.
therapy...thanks?


question surgeons, after all they're part salesman.
 
Posts: 24 | Location: St. Paul, MN | Registered: December 09, 2012Report This Post
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kathy, thank you for presenting me a wonderful opportunity to clarify...

im mostly interested in what a man would do, at this point i dont need a females perspective, no offense.

married 12 years and overall get along quite well. this is an issue FOR ME whether its an issue for her or not.


question surgeons, after all they're part salesman.
 
Posts: 24 | Location: St. Paul, MN | Registered: December 09, 2012Report This Post
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I had ED issues right after my takedown, my surgeon said it was due to having to shove all the nerve bundles out of the way to do the jPouch. I was able to get a prescription for Viagra at the time. I think if you ask your doctor, since the ED was caused by a surgery, you may be able to get it covered by insurance.

That doesn't change the fact that your wife has said that to you. As a man (or a woman for that matter, if the man-junk isn't in play) there's lots of things you two can still do to be intimate with each other.

In all honesty, it sounds like she may just be using the ED/surgery as an excuse. I mean if you CAN get it up every once in a while and she still doesn't want sex, that's not an ED problem: that's a marriage problem.

My ED issues lasted about a year, then slowly got better. Now Ye Ole Member is back to it's pre-surgery self.
 
Posts: 148 | Location: Portland, OR | Registered: November 23, 2005Report This Post
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This was one of the things I was most scared of after surgery. After my 2nd (out of 3) surgeries I thought I was impotent. I didn't have any activity for about 2 and a half weeks and I mean nothing. No morning wood, no sexual thoughts. It was scary because I am only 31 and I'm thinking my sex life is over. Luckily, things slowly turned back to normal with no drugs or viagra type pills. How long has it been since your surgery? I wouldn't throw in the towel yeat because it may just take some practice and theirs nothing wrong with practicing alone if you know what I mean. I try to get a lot of "practice" and believe that has helped. My wife was also very understanding and patient with me so that helps a lot. Sorry you're going through this, I know the feeling and it sucks. Have you thought about going to the doctor? This is a very common problem, even for guys that didn't go through crazy surgeries like us.


D.O.B. August 1st 1981
Diagnosed with UC February 2011
Decided to go with 3 part J Pouch Surger
Dec. 6th 2011 - Step 1, colon removal & temp ileo
June 26th 2012 - Step 2, J Pouch creation
August 21st 2012 - Step 3 - reversal
 
Posts: 66 | Location: St. Louis | Registered: December 23, 2011Report This Post
Picture of CTBarrister
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quote:
In all honesty, it sounds like she may just be using the ED/surgery as an excuse.


I was thinking the same thing, but one thing I should note is that if there is nerve damage, viagra, cialis and levitra is not necessarily going to help with that. Those drugs help/assist blood flow in the penis and if the erectile function is being impacted by nerve damage they will not help cure that although they could still help, since you say you do not have complete ED.

When I first experienced partial ED, which was many years after my surgery at the age of 43, and discussed it with my doctor, he compared erectile functionality to a car engine. He said a lot of different parts of your body interact to produce a smooth, "long acting" erection just like a lot of different auto parts have to operate in concert for your car engine to run smoothly. As we men age, just like when a car ages, things slowly start to break down. So the erection that once could be maintained for 30 minutes of sex in your 30s, now suddenly goes soft after 15 minutes, even though you are still having sex with the same partner and she is just as attractive to you as ever.

My point is that nerve damage could be one component. Age and weight gain could be other components. Not being in great cardiovascular shape could be yet another component. So if you can fix one of the others maybe you can compensate for the nerve damage issue. Or maybe not. I guess it depends on the scope of the damage. From what you are saying it is not complete ED so I am thinking you have a shot at improvement by "tuning" the other parts of that engine.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: CTBarrister,


CTBarrister
UC - 1972 as a 9 year old
Takedown 1992
Chronic Pouchitis Onset 1995
Still J Pouching 2014
 
Posts: 3027 | Location: Connecticut, USA | Registered: April 12, 2007Report This Post
Picture of kathy smith
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Regardless, I still think therapy would help no matter what the situation is.

kathy Big Grin


***********************************************************
Lately it occurs to me, what a long strange trip it's been..... Grateful Dead
 
Posts: 9461 | Location: california | Registered: June 30, 2000Report This Post
Picture of suebear
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And if you are seeking men-only advice you may want to post in the men's discussion thread, not that it will inhibit women from responding, but you will see less women in that forum.

Sue Big Grin


Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something. ~Plato
 
Posts: 4104 | Location: Santa Barbara, CA | Registered: January 01, 2001Report This Post
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thanks for the thoughts and perspective.
im 37 and my surgery was 2.5 years ago.
ive spoken to my doctor who told me i should speak to my surgeon, spoke to my surgeon. his response was to inform that if it worked during the loop, which it did then its psychological.
i think there may be something to the excuse part, not sure what it could be though, she has put on a lot of weight but ive never even given her a strange look in regards to it. its not like i find unattractive...
i have spoken to the insurance company in thsi regard and they stand firm in its cost.
i have spoken to my uncle who is a counselor and he told me to take it one day at a time and box the clown to my hearts content, let her worry about it. after all i didnt do anything wrong and dont have anyting to apologize for, you cant control other people.

my intent wasnt to excluse women but if the commentary was going to imply im just shifting blame cause im angry about my disease and im a man...not interested.

i think my uncle nailed it and i believe there is somehting to the excuse theory, thank you.


question surgeons, after all they're part salesman.
 
Posts: 24 | Location: St. Paul, MN | Registered: December 09, 2012Report This Post
Picture of Laurie49
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I don't understand why you wouldn't want a womans perspective in this situation. If I were experiencing this, I certainly would welcome a male perspective. Just my 2 cents. If all else fails, Scott Randall gave you the longest list I've ever seen in terms of drugs for ED. He must be somewhat of an expert.

Good luck with this.


~ Laurie ~
******************************************
"To speak in a pompous or dogmatic manner = selfish and boring."
 
Posts: 128 | Location: Auburn, NH | Registered: March 25, 2008Report This Post
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