I've been wanting to call my surgeon to schedule pouch removal surgery for the last couple of weeks. I have a loop now and still have lots of rectal pain. Some days just getting up off the couch is painful. Other days I feel pretty good. I know I want it done but can't seem to bring myself to make the phone call. At night I lay in bed thinking that I'll call first thing in the morning. But by morning I seem to find one reason after the other to put it off. Like now.

I'm just so afraid of another surgery. I've had no complications with any of my other 3 surgeries and I'm terrified that everything will go wrong with this one. A really long hospital stay or MRSA, etc. I also get pretty good wear from my wafers (knock on wood) and worry that somehow that will change. Then, I read about the pain and length of time for the Barbie butt to heal and that scares me. Besides the pain I'm in, I have energy and can go about my day. The thought of being in surgical pain again with the chance of butt healing pain lasting for weeks and weeks, with discharge, etc., really scares me and I just don't want to be so wiped out and exhaused again.

I know I want to do it but how do I get over this fear? I feel like I'm pushing my luck with another surgery and I should just be content with what I've got because what if something much worse happens?

Thanks for letting me vent.

Erin

I don't really have any advice for you regarding your decision as I know it must be very difficult. I was not nervous about my colectomy but now am aprehensive about having my take down as I am feeling so much better-I guess it is the fear of the unknown. It sounds like you have been through quite a lot so your feelings are quite understandable. I just wanted you to know your in my thoughts and I hope you have peace soon about what to do.

Hi Erin,

Sounds like you are in difficult time and rightfully so, a complex decision to make with many unknowns. Although I probably sound like a broken record at times on this board, I have found learning how to manage my fears by getting control of the "what ifs" has helped me HUGELY. And also it helps to know/identify when I am writing stories. Meaning, stories that I make up while worrying inbetween doing something, making a big decision etc...

I have found some great resources to me live within many of these unknowns, one I'd recommend is linked below: Pema Chodron's The Places that Scare You. It is a gentle message that helps me get through the difficult times:

http://www.shambhala.com/html/catalog/items/isbn/978-1-57062-921-1.cfm

Take care and keep us posted!
megan