Hey gang, I posted this a long time ago...but it's long since lost, so I'll do it again from memory (HA! nothing but cobwebs up there!)...we all have our issues when it comes to getting our pouch to empty it's contents, here are a few helpfull ways I've discovered to help us relieve the pressure, and to get a great work out in the process...ready?....

THE SPIDER

We've all had those days when we push and push, but to no avail, so I've discovered a cute little trick, and it's a great areobic exercise too! Ever so carefully put one hand on the tub beside you, the other hand on the counter top, one leg on the floor, and the other on the tub, hovering over the toilet bowl, and push, Push, PUSH!!!!!....it's great for those pesky love handles, arms and legs, just push like a crazy woman in labor, and eventually, the poo shall be forth coming. But a little tip, since there will be definate splashing, you might want to cover the floor (walls too!) with old news papers in case anything misses the bowl or you suffer from SSB (sever splash back).

THE CROUCHER

This one is great for those aching lower back muscles, and it's also a great warm up to yoga!..while sitting on the toilet, simply bend over, grabbing the back of your ankles with your hands (don't forget to stretch first!) and push like hell. Try doing a few sets of contractions..start of with 3 sets of 5 contractions, then work your way up, and eventually, the poo with me forth coming. Just watch your breathing, if you feel dizzy, stop immediately, and resume the sitting position, otherwise you may black out, hit your head on the floor or tub, leaving a nasty tell tale trail of blood and poop indicating a serious lack of blood pressure!!!(if this happens, dial 911 immediately!!!).

THE GAS PUSHER

This is a newly accquired skill I've mastered over the past year...now we've all been there, those days when you try your damdest to pass the gas that makes your pouch bubble and groan, yet nothing comes out, until you stand up..so....simple! Now before I go on, I would only reccomend this to experienced pouchers as this may result in serious injury if done incorrectly!..ok, while in the sitting position, with feet planted firmly on the floor, simply, and slowly raise yourself off the toilet using only your legs, with arms folded in supplemation until you find yourself almost floating over the toilet by at least 6 inches. Ignore the searing pain in your legs (feel the burn baby!) and imagine yourself floating through the sky without a care of a worry in the world...then, when you can take it anymore, the aforementioned searing pain will cause you to inhale deeply, contracting your abs, pushing out that pesky trapped gas that had eluded you for so long (warning, please extinguish any and all candles or tabacco products before trying this, unless you want to be propelled through your bathroom ceiling!) . If the gas persists, you may want to try pushing your lower abdomen with your hands and just push out that gas, push it real good!!!

THE COAXER

This one is a great relaxion technique, especially after a hard day at the office, and anyone can try this one. Put on some relaxing music, burn your favorite incense, sit on the toilet, and let all your muscles relax, breathe deeply, in, and out, over and over. Once you've reached a state of Zen, talk to your poo, say things like "you can't stay in there forever", or "I bet you can't splash water on my butt"..be creative..slowly, but surely, coax it out of you...if you find it still refusus to come forth, trying being a bit more affirmative, you could say something like "don't make me come in there after you!!"...slowly, but surely, you'll be able to trick your pouch into releasing it's contents!

THE SCREAMER

Ok, this one is for home owners ONLY (I live in a building, and trust me, my neighbours did NOT appreciate this one, they called 911!!). For those really rotten days when you hate your job, the kids are at each others throats, you get a flat tire in the pouring rain, and your spouse is driving you absolutely crazy..this is THE perfect method to get that poo out, and it's easy! Simply sit on the toilet, making sure no one else is with in ear shot, and scream your head off!!! Curse, moan, groan, growl, come on, SCREAM!!!!!!..this puts tremendous pressure on your abs (again, getting a great work out!), and it's garunteed to push everything and anything out of you..just don't over do it as it may cause your lunch to come up too! (as a side note, you may want to ensure you're totally alone for this one as it may result in a trip to your local mental health institution!).

THE STICK EM' UP

This is one of my personal favorites!, and a piece of cake! When ever you just can't get that poo to rear it's ugly, smelly head, simply reach for the ceiling, with your legs planted firmly infront of you. It's a terrific lower back workout..now stretch those arms to the sky..that's it, stretch!!!! If it helps, lean back and touch the wall behind you (WARNING, ensure there are no burning candles on the toilet lid behind you, especially if you have long hair!)..now...push, push damn you, push!!!!..see???..isn't that better (if you're currently on fire, and still plugged up, you didn't listen to my wanring, did you??).

THE PRAYER

Ok...if all else fails, like everything else in life, we're left with our faith..PRAY!!!..come on, you know you've done this (blasphmey does NOT help in this situation!)...just keep pushing and praying, saying this like "ohhh god, PLEASEEEEE let this poo come out, I can't take it anymore!!!!!!!" or, "if you make this happen I promise to be a better person!!"..if god is good, it will happen, if not, what HAVE you been up to???..you know who you are!!!

THE CROSS OVER

We come to the final tip for this segment, it's a long shot, but it has worked on occasion...just be careful you don't get stuck!..ok, if all else fails, give yourself a great big hug, cross your legs (and your eyes from the agonizing pain!)..and push down, hard, contracting every single muscle in your body all at the same time for as long as you can before passing out!!! This has worked for me on occasion, but if your legs fall asleep, and can't get them to un-cross, make sure some one is at home to help!!

well boy nad girls...hope this helps, all of this is from my personal experience, if we're going to spend half our lives in the loo, why not stay in shape at the same time? I garuntee you abs of steel with in 2 months or your money back!!! If you find one on it's own isn't working, be creative, try mixing them up..you could try the prayer and the screamer (although I don't think god likes being cursed out!), or the spider and the stick em' up (only for those of you with very good balance, or a very good insurance policy!)...hope this help...keep looking for future instalments of my on going series on how to stay fit on the loo..happy pooping all!

Cheers!
Eric

*DISCLAIMER* I cannot be held legally responsible if you end up in emerg with a nasty concussion (or worse) because you just couldn't stay concious!