Hey Gang!!

I know, it's been a while since I've posted anything...thanks to my second job I really haven't had a lot of time, but it's a quiet day, and I've have so many "it could only happen to me" stories to tell, he's one that happened a few months ago at a local mall washroom...

Ok, in my usual fashion, running about getting ready for the holidays I ever so brainlessly forgot to take my meds the night before a very long day of shopping(as to prevent my usual running around like a man possesed at 5pm on christmas eve!) After about, oh, about 6 hours of shopping, I was famished, and decided to see what gastronomical bombs were waiting for me in the food court. Well, after careful deliberation, I decided on something nice and safe, a simple deli sandwich with meat and cheese only (no lettuce or tomatoes, just empty calories!).

I got my food, looked for about a hlaf an hour for a place to sit, and finally managed to find an empty seat (well, half of one at least!)next to a delightful woman, who, unfortunately, took up all of her seat and most of mine!..well, I sat with one cheek hanging over the edge of my seat (not an easy feat for a man with chronic NAS, aka no ass syndrome!). In a effort to get out of there as fast as possible, I wolfed down my tasty sandwich, about a gallon of supposed "soy" milk, and made a bee line for the nearest escape route before my lunch mate's behind engulfed what was left my my now dangling ass!

Well, wouldn't you know it, but not 5 minutes had passed, as I began to start round 2 of my delightful x-mas shopping (which by the way is not so delightful, all that good will towards men crap flies right out the window when the sign in the window says "half off", it's like a feeding frenzy topped only by a pack of hungry wolves on a National Geographic special!) when my gut started to gurgle, and we all know what that means!

I ran to the nearest bathroom, but being close to the food court it was, of course, packed, and not to mention flooded with a lovely brown water! Needless to say, being the princess I am, I bolted for the next available loo a few stores away, ok, ok, about 100 stores, stupid super malls!!!.FINALLY, I find a nice secluded spot (until I opened the bathroom door that is!) before my pouch explodes, I open the door, only to find a line up! well, it was either wait in line, or risk a toxic melt down in the mall FULL of holiday shoppers, and I somehow doubt Santa would have appreciated me leaving a brown trail for all of his good girls and boys to slip on!

Finally, I get into a stall of my very own, and there was actualy toilet paper, saints be praised!!! I sit, and what comes out of me is not only a few toots, but the whole damn orchestra! It just would not stop, a bit more pressure, and I could have been jettisoned into space! Well, would you know it, the wise ass in the stall next to me has to start making farting sounds, accompanied with this hysterical laughter. the more I tooted, the harder the laughter. Then, his accomplice, on the other side of me, get's into the act...

Picture it, me, in terrible pain, passing gas that could probably heat a small city, and heckle and jeckyl on either side of me laughing their asses off, mocking me, the nerve! Well, there is a god, because one of them actually laughed so hard, he slipped on the wet floor, fell over, knocked his head on the toilet and ended up on the floor, with his head under the partition, staring directly up at me!...now, guess what was going through my mind??(REVENGE!!!!!!). But, being a gentleman, I simply offered my ASSistance....suddenly the shoe was on the other foot, well, my shoe was actually beside his head, and as tempting as it was, I could never stoop that low.

Instead, for what ever reason, I broke out into HYSTERICAL laughter, now keep in mind, I'm still sitting on the toilet, pants around my ankles, and farting up a storm, staring at this putz's head beside my feet. the more I laughed, the more I farted...it went on like that for what seems like an eternity, but was probably only about a minute or so. I gassed this guy (who, but the way, was to stupid to realize that his stall door had opened and he was lying on the floor with his pants around his ankles too!) worse than a Peppy Lepew Cartoon marathon!

Finally, the guy comes to his startled sense, starts hurling obsenities at me, because of course it's all my fault, takes what little dignity he has left, and picks himself off the floor, and bolts, not even stopping to wash his now very messy hards! the guy on the other side of me quietly escaped before I had the chance to see who he was. All I know is when I finally was able to finish my business and leave the stall, the line up of men waiting to get into the loo were VERY aware of what had just taken place (they began to applaud and laugh, bastards!). I'm use to laughing and jokes, but I'm never usually the cause of the laughter, well, the focal point at least!

I quickly went to wash my hands, and, like a man possesed, headed back to the food court to see what it was they had put in that sandwich. Guess what??? It was a new, "healthy lifestyle" line of products filled with love and goodness, and several grams of FIBER!!!!!!!!!!! Buyer beware..and to top it off, in my hurry to escape the ever expanding butt, or the quickly vanishing seat (same thing!) I had drank HOMO milk, although I had asked for soy (although with me I guess HOMO is more fitting!)...

Well, lesson learned, ALWAYS check what's in your food, if you're not sure, find an employee that can say more than "yes sir no sir, no english!"...ahh yes, the joys of living on a multicultural city!...and the moral of the story?....never run to the loo in a crowded mall after eating a fibre sandwich unless you can get a private, sound proof, airtight and idiot proof toilet all to yourself!!! the next time I'm just going to starve!!!!

Toodles all!
Eric

Nice one Eric!

Glad to see you are still on form.

Luv & hugs

Shell

Thanks for the laugh! It's something we can all relate to and I can truly say "been there, done that". Although no woman has ever joined in my orchestra!

Eric.........very funny, It made my day reading your story,
I think there are a lot of us that can relate to having to find the perfect place to go, only to find it doesn't exist.


Jim