As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his
> fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill
> them.
>
> What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because
> every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his
> poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
>
> One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and
> went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things
> at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.
>
> If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go, you'll only confuse
> yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?'
> 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the
> inflatable doll section.
>
> I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also
> substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane
> during rush hour.
> Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different
> models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do
> things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for
> 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.
> To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.
> On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came
> to life.
>
> My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning
> hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling
> pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies
> and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went
> home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
>
> The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his
> house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the
> dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and
> bark some more.
> We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of
> the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional
> Christmas dinner...
>
> My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. 'What
> the hell is that?' she asked.
> My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'
>
> 'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.
>
> I kept my mouth shut.
>
> 'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.
>
> 'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into
> the dining room.
>
> But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'
>
> Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no
> one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny,
> hang on!'
>
> My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me
> and said, 'Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she
> was Jay's friend.
>
> A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise.
> Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized
> this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
>
> The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died,
> who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a
> noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched
> from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front
> of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose,
> and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began
> administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
> My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.
>
> Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the
> car.
>
> It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
> Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to
> decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had
> suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
> Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her
> to perfect health..
>
> I can't wait until next Christmas.

Great story!

Jan

Jim,

You have a gift for telling a story! You had some of my relatives rolling on the floor & peeing their pants listening to your tale. Thanks for the laughs!

LOOOOOOL

May LOuise bring many more christmas laughs to one and all!
Sharon

quote:

It could be worse...oh, wait..it already has been! then I guess it can only get better from here....