Several of us were discussing our mothers months ago. Thursday my Therapist said to cut off my relationship with mother and couldn't believe I was still putting up with her crap. I asked my minister once about this topic because we are susposed to honor our parents. He said that doesn't apply if the parent does not deserve to be honored. I wish I wasn't an only child.

I've gone years before of not talking or seeing her at all. For the sake of our children I tried to keep every thing relatively normal. I've been her doormat long enough and the kids are grown ups now.

My therapist said she a narcist, crazy (yes she actually said crazy) manipulative and I think she's Bi-polar too. I've been stuffing things down inside of me for so long it has contributed neglatively to my mental health. When I had UC and saw her I'd have a flare everytime. So glad she lives 500 miles away.

My therapist said to tell mom my therapist told me to end the relationship. Just think of Christine Crawford's book "Mommy Dearist".

This has been coming through in my treatment for depression and anxiety (PTSD). I thought it was all related to my years being sick and the j-pouch surgeries.

She does not deserve a relationship with me. I already feel better - don't have to deal with her anymore.

Sorry this isn't exactly pouch related but I think there are more people here that probably have the same problem.

So sorry things have been so tough with your mother, but I'm glad you have reached a point where you are ready to let go and remove that toxic presence from your life. Hugs!

I am really sorry to hear this but do believe there is such relief in empowerment. I am sure this was a most difficult decision on your part but sounds like you have made a positive move forward in the sake of your mental and physical well being. Don't let guilt make you step back. Here is to better mental and physical health coming your way! After my surgeries and the ordeal I went through I vowed to no longer allow anyone in my life who was not capable of compassion and giving as much to a relationship/friendship as I am.

Thank you both for you kind replies. You are 100% right kjeane. I guess I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'll handle it, I've had a lot of years to practice.

I'm so sorry that you have a toxic relationship with your Mom. I had a toxic relationship with my in-laws and the day I said-no more-I felt free!

Tough,
I would love to lock your mom into a room with mine and throw away the key I am pretty sure that they would kill each other!
Bravo for your more than just couragous decision and the strength it took to carry it through...I cut mine off for 10 yrs and then relinquished when my dad had his attack...regretted it the minute that I did it...and lived to re-commit the same stupid mistake 3xs...now I am pretty much done and done...and I feel better (too bad my dad lives there with her...)
Be strong and never ever allow anyone make you feel bad about yourself again...you are too good a person.
Sharon

Thanks everyone

Sharon, good thing for me is my parents were divorced when I was 8 so I have my relationship with him without her mucking it up.

I'm determined to get better physically and mentally and it's almost like my therapist gave me permission to do what I wanted to. I said it before, I think our mom's are related!

Everybody, thanks for your kind words.

You have to protect yourself and your family unit above all else. The rest be damned.

I had to cut myself off from my step-mom of more than 30 years. I always knew she was neurotic, but had no idea she had a personality disorder (my dad covered for her very well). After my dad died I bent over backward to be there for her, being at her beck and call. Then after 6 years she went bonkers and thought my husband and I were after her money. I've been disinherited and the trust is gone. Sad for sure. After more than 6 months of separation, she seems to be wanting a relationship, but I am not very interested, other than tending to her needs. I just do not trust her not to stab me in the back again.

I am grateful that I share no DNA with her.

My heart goes out to you.

Jan

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Jan Dollar,

I said when we got married that Steve must have really loved me because he was getting her for a mother-in-law and I loved his mom.

Last Thanksgiving I had just been out of the 15 day hospital stay for surgery #1, still had visiting nurses and she caused a nasty verbal fight with me and I had no patience so yelled back at her. She had no interest in looking at my abdomin, and she use to work for a doctor, because it would 'gross her out'. My daughter-in law was interested. That time she pitched the fit infront of my grown children and their spouses. I think our grandsons were in a different part of the house. She stormed off a day early and my husband said, that's it, I've watched this for 35 years, I'm done with her.

When she got my nicely worded email about my therapist saying we needed to not have a relationship now etc., she emailed my husband and said that she was done with me, and had "put me on the alter for God to take care of me" because she was through with me. She went on to say if he ever needed anyhing to call her. She knew he'd been through a rough year and she wish she could have helped. So he's had a rough year because he had to be around and help me? He wouldn't catorgize it that way. No compassion for me and my last 15 sick years, as usual.

She told me years ago I was no longer the executor of her will, I'm her only child and am a CPA. She didn't tell me who my replacement was but I'm sure it's my son. She has probably written me out of it too. She thinks she can get me to do whatever she wants by dangling her inheritance over me. I don't care it comes at too high of a price. She's always saying things to try to get me to ask questions about the executor and terms of her will but I don't bite. BTW my daughter and son-in-law have me as their executor, and my dad has me too. Plus I've done it for clients, I digress. Before that she put the living will - pull the plug authority in the hands of her friends, vs me.

She always talks about how we can move down to her place and live in her guest cabin when she gets ill. Cold day in hell. I hope she's kept her premiums up on her nursing home insurance.

I never told my children what she did to me, especially when they were younger it was not something that should be discussed with children. She says, I might have not been a good mother but I'm a WONDERFUL grandmother. It's never to late to become a good mother.

I told my grown children I did what the therapist told me to do but that I'm not going to give them all the particulars. They know there's some kind of abuse is all. Mother is 77 years old so my daughter said she would like to know after she dies. The way I feel I'll probably beat her to death. I love my mother but do not like her and I feel relieved to have cut the ties. So does my husband.

Never argue with a crazy person because the by-standers can't tell who the crazy one is. Silence is golden.

When a crazy narcissit rewrites history and believes her perfect history she will never admit to doing anything other than her perfect version.

I'm sorry about your step-mother Jan. You are a big person to tend to her needs. I've tried I can't count the times to get a good relationship with my mother but she just shouldn't have ever had me. I went so far as to buy a business, with her manager, from her for a big chunck of money. She twisted it to she gave us the business, I guess the $225,000 fell from the sky. Plus she's told everyone that listens to her that she paid to put our children through college - because of the income I earned from the business. I'm sure glad we went into debt for that appreciation. I was also running my own firm at the time and when I had to sell it because of my UC and fibromyalgia, in 2000, I could tell she was jealous because of what I sold it for. These incidents are tiny compared to the abuse when I was young. I'm tired of being her doormat.

She taught me a very important lesson, how NOT to be a mother. We are truely blessed with great children, their spouses and our grandsons. The family I always wanted.

Another big rant, maybe I can sleep tonight.

This post both bothered me and gained my enormous sympathy. My mother died (might say killed herself) when I was 5. Then my next 'mother' figure told me out and out that she didn't love me (I was a foster kid, she and her husband--my uncle kept my brothers but put me back in the system) and then my 'mom' now--its rough but in ways I won't detail. And parents--I just re-met my dad during recovery from colectomy. My dad was abusive and struggling as a person and a father and thus why we ended up in the foster system. Those things shared so that you understand that I don't take your struggle lightly but felt I needed to say something here. And I'm not completely got it figured out what 'honor' means exactly either. I tend to think it means 'obey' but thats not it because we are also supposed to honor our spouses biblically and (specifically the man to honor the woman--and while a case *might* be able to be made that a woman should -obey- her husband definately no case can be made that vice versa is true...that just to say that honor obviously doesn't mean obey even though thats how I associate most often) So I looked up a little bit--and honor can be to give thanks for them (they gave you life if nothing else), not to judge them too harshly (I guess no more harshly than you can rightly be judged). So anyway, just throwing it out there. You can set limits on your emotional availablity I believe but I'm not sure that biblically you can claim God's blessing if you disobey his command (this is one of the 10 commandments) to honor your parent. I practice this with ALL my parents Ironically I find it hardest to honor my birth mother's memory. I get so lost feeling there. But thats a post for another forum that I haven't found. The forum of people with severe familial dysfuctions.

Magic, my heart goes out to you. You lost your mother at such a young age and had to live with all of the other mothers that let you down too. Not to mention your father. I hope you have a good relationship with your brothers. I think most families are dysfunctional but in different degrees. There are all kinds of people, weak ones, tyrants, mental-ill, needy, greedy, compassionate, liars, etc.

My mother's and my relationship is not the entire cause of my depression and anxiety but it's at the core. I'm was over achiever that has turned into someone I don't recognize. I thought all of my problems were due to my health problems and they had robbed me of my life. They are a big part of the picture but my personal pain is all mixed up in there too. Too many years of stuffing every thing. I want to get myself back.

You are a wonderful and loving mother, in spite all you have endured you have risen above it. Nothing that's happened to you was your fault. There was nothing you could have done to change the outcomes. That's easy to understand in our consious mind but for some, like me, my unconsious mind doesn't have it mastered yet.

You have helped me so much since I joined this site. You are a caring person and I appeciate your post.

Magic,
In my understanding and from a religious point of view, honor has nothing to do with obey (that is why they say both in the marriage ceremonies)...honor is to remember and to respect...as in Honor our dead or honor your parents...but respect is not something that comes for free, honor means that the person in question in 'Honorable' and therefore worthy of honor...if not they do not deserve it. At a really bad crux in my physical and emotional life I went to consult a 'Great Rabbi', a man renowned for both his knowledge and compassion and when I tearfully admitted to him that I had not only cut off my birth mother but had gone through the whole mourning process and basically burried her in my mind....I expected an explosion of anger and criticism...instead he banged his fist on his desk and yell loudly, 'you were right, you were right!'...and then explained that no parent had the right to take a childs life away from them, wether physically or emotionally, to torture or make them suffer...parents are just vehicles to bring you onto this planet and to protect and nourish and educate you to the best of their ability...not to sacrifice you on the alter of their ego...I left that holly man's office feeling lighter and freer than I had in 10yrs.
NO parent has the right to distroy their child.
And that is God's law, not man's.
-Tough,
The more I read about you and your mother the more I think that mine is her evil twin. ...stealing my inheritance from my dad, robbing him blind, signing my name on bank papers, selling my company out from under me with forged signatures, running up mega debts on my account and with my bank card (stupid me, joint accounts!)...I had to prove to the bank with my passport that I lived in Paris and that I couldn't have run up the debt or singned the papers in order to escape procecution...But I still lost all of my money...She stole a house from me (same trick...signed my name and took my dad's money)...I am finally ready to give up...I don't need her or her mother love-hate...I am sufficiently insecure to not need more reasons to feel bad about myself. I am now declaring a declaration of independance...from toxic parents...so please, revolt and be happy...you deserve it.
Sharon

Interesting thread.... While not perfect, ( me nor my parents), I feel blessed to have had them love me, discipline me, and do the best they could. Sometimes, they fell short as parents, and I fell short of their expectations as a daughter. But, we were family, and no matter how my often my feelings got hurt, I never felt it was abuse or disrespect. In this instance, I agree with Magic...honor thy parents. It can be interpreted a thousand ways, and I do not dispute or discredit anyone's personal experience. Life is hard...enough said.

I think Sharon and I would have done anything to please our mothers. Without going into more details there was physical and mental abuse that she says never happened, thus calling me a liar. If she admitted it happened and apologized I would forgive her. If there were laws back in the 60's that there are now she would have been reported by my teachers. They questioned me about welts, bruising, etc. and I made up lame lies. I remember one in particular when my teacher asked my about the welt on my neck, caused by mom hitting me with the back of a hair brush, I told her a spider bit me.

No family is perfect, just ask my children, and we are blessed. I am truly blessed and have the family I always wanted.

Hi Tough, Boy, I can totally connect with you on this topic. My mom was a very insecure person who manipulated her kids to meet her emotional needs. She would secretly gossip, twist facts and demand "loyalty" to her, all while pulling at your heartstrings feigning having been hurt in some way. My dad was an alcoholic who was neglectful, irresponsible and could also be emotionally and physically abusive. He wrote me out of he will, because I stood up to his bully nature and dishonesty even though he died broke and in debt. LOL. Both were married and divorced twice. My parents had three kids together and of them all, I am the only one who will openly discuss these family issues and I am met with denial and anger and punished with isolation for standing up for myself. You mentioned you were an only child...well I am one of three and I have no close friends in my immediate family, so having more blood relatives doesn't necessarily make anything better. When I married, my wife too was treated poorly and that's when I started to pay attention to what was going on. I stood up for her and for myself as well. The price I paid was that i lost my parents and my two siblings. I used to try to talk to them and even sent them a number of books on healing dysfunctional families. I was ignored. Anyway....my advice to you is...cut your mom out of your life as though she were a diseased colon! LOL. And pray for God to guide you and tell yourself to never be blind to change in your mom, should it ever occur.

The thing about honoring your parents is this. You should honor in them, what is good. If what is bad in them, is illegal, or immoral, or unGodly, then you are not to honor that part of them. Christ did not hang out with sinners. He would approach sinners and attempt to bring them into the family of God and follow God's ways. but when the sinners refused to accept Christ, or to change their evil ways, Christ left them. He moved on. He did not befriend sinners to be their friend. He befriended them to save their lives. With your mom, you should tell her what you need in the relationship. Tell her how she is being unGodly in the relationship. It then is her choice. Tell her so. If she refuses to change, leave the door open in case she does...but walk away from her and don't stay up waiting for her.

What we all need in life are kind words and hugs from people who care. People who understand, or try sincerely to understand our needs and our frailties. If somebody doesn't want to do that for you, find somebody who will. What's really strange for me to think about is how much I care and adore my kids and then I realize how selfish and self-absorbed my parents were. They missed out on my life, not the other way around.

I think you can handle this challenge in your life. My only advice is to not tell your mom that your therapist is telling you what to do. Take full ownership of whatever you need to do. If you "blame" it on your therapist, then your mom will too. Make your mom know...you are doing this for your own sake and needs. Make her deal with YOU! :-D If you want to talk more, let me know.