ugh

It is beautiful summertime again, when I have a break from my grad studies and all I want to do is ride my bike around the city with a cute fella. I'm so close to my takedown (August!!!!) that the idea of starting to date someone now and having to explain all this just seems unappealing. But damn! I miss boys.

That is all.

I know how you feel. I was a teenager when all of this started and in my "awkward" years anyway so I never dated while I had my ostomy. The way I see it is that you can weed out the selection better now. You'll find out who's a keeper and who's not by how they handle/react to everything.

I agree with Olive Oil -- having the issues we do does tend to weed out those who aren't worthy. I started dating my fiance before all my surgeries, but I was on Remicade, 6MP and steriods, which caused issues like tiredness, hair loss, etc. On our first date, I came clean about my illness and it's implications (though I never dreamed at the time that it would get as bad as it did). He was great about it, and through my subsequent flares, months of eating nothing but Ensure, isolating behavior & then the emergency colectomy, j-pouch surgery, obstruction surgery (for which I was hospitalized for a month) and now, my takedown next week, he has been nothing short of amazing. Since I've had the ostomy, obviously my body image has declined, and the poor guy gets refused more often than a stolen credit card. Yet he's still there (although probably ecstatic that I'll be rid of the ostomy and feeling back to my old self again). I can certainly understand your decision to wait until takedown to pursue anything -- I think I would have done the same thing. It's a very personal issue and you don't really want to share everything with the average Joe.

August will be here before you know it!

It's good to be able to focus on you right now. Not that I am complaining, because I love my bf, but there were times he just didn't get it.

I think you should go for every opportunity. I told my boyfriend right off the bat too, and he was so intrigued. We've been together for 11 months now, and he took care of me for a month while I was out of school with surgeries. He came to the hospital every day I was in there, and he never, ever, let my sickness get in the way of our relationship. Use your problems as a test: a real man would be there for you.

Don't postpone any romance - Live life to the fullest any chance you can get. All the above posts are correct. Having our problems weeds out the bad ones. So what you have left is the good ones, and you know it. I was fully blown up with Prednisone the summer before my surgery. I guess my husband(now) didn't mind that because he asked me to marry him. Then when the surgery was pushed back 2 weeks later than I wanted - we decided to use that time wisely and eloped and honeymooned in Hawaii. I had my surgery 2 days after we got back. The honeymoon really kept my mind off of the near future reality of surgery. He's a man with dedication that didn't let my problems scare him off. I am very thankful. And wow what a crazy way to start a marriage.

I know you all are right about 'weeding out' unworthy fellas, and finding a potentially great person in the process; I guess the thing that sort of makes me wistful is the idea of a light, summer fling; I'm not in the mood right now to lay all my problems out there right now.
But that leads me to another concern: am I too optimistic about life after the takedown? Right now I feel like I'm on hold, and my life is going to pick up right where it left off after surgery. Am I naive?

SKH - The summer before I went to college (before all my gut problems) I dated a guy that had his kidneys taken out and had to wear a bag for life. It didn't bother me in the least bit. In fact the "bullet holes" looked cool. Sometimes I could see the bag stick out above his jeans/shorts, but for the most part I never noticed or cared. He was fun and exciting. And it never ever seemed to get in the way when we were having our fun summer fling.

I think we are more self conscious than the average person that's not having these issues - so don't worry about it. He told me about his bag/ surgery all matter of fact - so I responded matter of fact. Now if he was all self conscious obsessed with it, it may have made me uncomfortable. That guy is still #1 in my book for x-summer loves.

"am I too optimistic about life after the takedown?"

I think you are in the hardest part... waiting for takedown. It does feel like life is on hold. I was a bit naive and felt life would resume where I left off - before UC. Well I was much younger then and my body has taken a beating with the drugs so, I'm not the same as I was when I was in my 20s but life is much much better than before surgery when I had UC all the time. The first year is tough getting your system/your bottom used to the jpouch. But it only gets better and better.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Gutless Wondergirl,

Most people who were close to me didn't even know or notice the bag but I was ultra aware. I didn't do as much as I normally would have. So I guess I partially put my life on hold for those 3 months.

But I think that break was good for me. I needed that time to adjust and I needed it to be about me. It difficult to begin a relationship when you don't feel like "you". But everyone is different, so if it works for them, that's great.

Regardless, it's been 6 months since my takedown I have felt every day is a miracle. Within 3 weeks of TD, I was back at college taking 17 credits. I finished the semester with a 3.8 GPA. I missed 1 class due to weather, not illness!

I don't think you are too optimistic. There is nothing wrong with positive thoughts.

Thanks, Kar, good to hear that you were back so soon!

Hey I just realized that you had your takedown the same day I had my colectomy!

I wish you an easy transition, health
and Autumn romance...

I was dating my wife when I came down with UC; she stuck with me through everything then and now. The comments earlier are correct; you’ll be able to weed out the good ones much easier now.

I may have lost a colon, but I gained an irreplaceable person in my life. I would be lost without her.

Hi SKH,
Gosh dont wait for any romance!,,,live you life NOW. I ve had ileostomy for 11 years now and had a long term parnership during that time, somoen i met after surgery.It ended 2 yrs ago .I have dated since and at no point did having a bag was ever an issue to anyone. Least of all me. I dont even remember to mention it sometimes and as and when i do it's a very brief BTW kinda comment. You are YOU not the appliance you wear ..enjoy life

Honey! I am with you! Trying to date this past year since my coloectomy (I'm finally seeing the surgeon for my J-Pouch on 7/16...what a long trip I've been on)has been an exercise in futility. To tell or not to tell? I truly have felt like the sexual part of my life was over. However, a dear former boyfriend relieved me of that thought and since he knew of my UC already, explaining my appliance was not difficult. Sigh. Just another reason to still adore him But, I have had a few dates with men who have simply disappeared with no calls or emails after I told them. Jerks....they're not worth it. I figure even after my J-Pouch is done, I'll still have scars to explain and if the men I date don't like it, then they're not worth it! Hang in there!