So i just wanted to complain. When I came home from my first surgery, my fiance was sooooo supportive and loving and couldn't wait for us to start having fun again because I wasn't sick anymore. Then after my second surgery, he was so distant and would barely speak to me. Then he tells me he doesn't think he loves me anymore and isn't sure if he wants to be with me. I couldn't believe it, surely didn't see that coming. Now I'm going into j-pouch surgery on wed. May 14th and I'm in such a bad place because of this. How could he do this when I'm going through this??? We've been together for six and a half years- it's so messed up. He hasn't touched me, won't really talk to me, he's not even going to take me or be there for me with my next surgery. He completely abanded me when I needed him the most.
He is actually mad at me. Mad at me because for at least 4 years I've been sick, not knowing what was wrong with me, and I would go through stages of depression and constant pain and would be distant from him. Now that we know what was wrong with me and I'm not sick anymore, he can't get over it. What????? Guess he never truly loved me.
Sorry this is sooo long, I just needed to rant.

Hi Jillian,

You complain away, sounds like you have every reason! There is nothing anyone can say to help you feel better through this, but you do know that you have tons of support here on the board, so you are not going through your May 14th surgery together.

I am Mark's partner, so I'm speaking from your fiance's point of view. I can say that maybe he is mad, because he is scared, but anger is one of the big stages. I was angry at Mark for years, blamed him for the disease, thought he was ruining my life and his life on purpose. My options for a while felt like I could leave him or stay and be in a sick prison. I stayed and we did therapy, etc..It was a long and hard process. If your fiance is "acting out" and want to try to work with him on this, feel free to start a PM with Mark and I if it would be helpful.

Also, if you need a quick, cheap laugh, have you watched the "Stages of Acceptance" this is worth your 2 mins.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ND6iSRlG5m0

Hang in there,
Megan

Jillian, It makes me sad to hear about such things. Chronic illness is one of the major stresses to a relationship, and it can pry apart some very solid unions. It is hard not to feel cheated out of a normal life, even when you are not the one who is sick. Maybe even because you are the healthy one, it is even more difficult. You try to be the rock for so long, you feel like you become invisible. Personally, I think it is easier being the sick one. You have a built in excuse for being emotionally unavailable.

I wouldn't go so far as to say he never really loved you. People change. Sometimes they realize that what they thought they could cope with is not reality. After being apart from you, he may rethink his choices, so it may be nice if you were open to forgiveness. But, even if you are not, you certainly can't expend much energy on it because you have so much on your plate.

Do you have any family nearby or close girlfriends you can lean on for some moral and physical support after your surgery?

I agree with Megan, that serious and/or chronic illness causes grieving similar to a death of a loved one. We need to work through it to come out whole in the end. You can't get stuck in the anger stage or it will eat you alive. It becomes confusing because not everybody spends the same amount of time in each stage. Some people appear to completely skip stages (such as anger). But, you have to get to the point of acceptance before you can move on. (very funny video, Megan!)

Jan

Jillian I somewhat understand. I was with a guy for 2 years and broke up with him a week before my last surgery. He told me the reason why he was mean to me was because he resented me for being sick all the time. I realized that if he couldn't love me unconditionally at my worst, then he didn't deserve me at my best when I became healthy. You have the same worth. It's too bad that people can be cruel and selfish like that, but not everyone is. Don't settle for someone that isn't going to be there for you 100%.

My dear Jillian,

All I can say is good riddens to old trash! He obviously doesn't deserve you, if he really loved you he would have stuck by your side no matter what! I am so sorry you're are going through this, especially at a time like this, but better to find out now than get married and find out after! I've always believed that everything happens for a reason, if you can draw anything positive from your illness, it's that it showed you that this guy is NOT the one for you, and in time, you will find a guy who REALLY loves you, not just in the good times, but in the bad as well.

It's makes me sick when I hear about this, and, unfortunately, I've heard this many, many times before. Illness can put any relationship to the test, but if love, I mean real love is there, than there should be no problems, with your relationship at least. I consider myself very lucky, I have a partner who was very loving, and never once turned his back because I was sick, and I was sick for almost 6 years!

You're ex may not be there for you, but we are, if you need to talk, email me (check my profile for my email address)...hang in there kiddo, it will get better in time, just try to stay positive in the knowledge that he was NOT the right guy for you and doesn't deserve the time of day!....let us know how you're doing sweetie,

hugs,
Eric

Hi Jillian,
Your fiancé, you say...well, he was planning to stand in church and promise to stick with you in sickness and in health, right? So maybe he did the right thing - he realised he couldn't keep this promise, even before he had to make it. If this is how he truly feels, let him go. There is someone out there who WILL stay by you through good times and bad. And with any luck, the worst times are behind you. It's most sad for your fiancé - he's gone through the difficult times and won't be around to share your life post-surgery, which statistically speaking should be a whole heck of a lot better than what he's witnessed so far! Talk about doing all the studying, then dropping out right before graduation! I agree that what's happened now doesn't mean he never felt anything for you. He's probably scared, lonely and confused about his new role: he's used to being the strong and healthy one, but as you go through each step of the journey towards good health again, he might feel his role gets more cloudy. I suppose you have to decide whether you want to offer to discuss this with him, or whether you want to just call it quits. Whatever you decide: good luck with your surgery! Do you have family or a good friend who could help you then? I hope you can concentrate on yourself and your recovery now, and trust that life will improve!
BTW, the link that Megan posted was hilarious!!

Jillian,
I too feel for your loss.
This is a time for you to get your head on and concentrate on your health, surgery and recovery.

When I was single there was a guy I lived with when I had UC. I was at my worst, meds no longer working. I went to have a surgery consult and when I came back my sister told him if he wasn't going to be able to stick with me through the surgery then he should leave now because he was adding to my illness.
He packed and left in minutes!
I met my husband 6 months later and still had UC, he has been with me through the illness, surgeries and also my son's 9 surgeries, we will celebrate 22 years next week.
The right one will find you when you are healed and ready. You have alot to give and the ex is the loser.
I will be thinking of you wed. please keep us all informed. we are here for you and going through this with you for the duration.
Holly

Thank u all for your support and kind words. I'm really looking forward to getting this surgery over with (hopefully my last!) and moving on with my life. It's really encouraging to hear so many of u have found that unconditional love that I hope to have one day. For better or worse, sickness and in health!!! At least I have a great family and many amazing friends to help me through this though time. I'll let u all know how surgery goes.

Hugs and kisses- Jillian

Hi Jillian,

Just wanted to chime in with the good luck wishes for Wednesday.

I know what you are going through. My 23 year marriage broke up a year after my takedown. I think like your fiance, my husband just couldn't handle what I was going through. He was/is a drinker who got angry with drink. He had been off the alcohol for 5 years after my threat to walk out on him for good if he carried on. I had to travel to the UK on my own for my surgeries (he refused to come with me) and he used this as an excuse to go back on the drink. He didn't stop drinking when I got better so our marriage finally hit the rocks.

I met Frank nearly a year later and he has stood by me through thick and thin. It's our 10 year anniversary tomorrow, and I haven't been well for most of that but he's still here. So you see, there really are keepers out there and they turn up when you are least expecting them.

Take care and come here as often as you need to let off steam. That's what we are all here for.

Luv & hugs

Shell

Hi Jillian...that sucks. Especially if it's coming out of the blue. I have been with my fiance for 9 years. My illness is definately the biggest stresser in our relationship. Which is probably why he is still only a fiance and not a husband. We have almost broke up many times over it. He also thinks this illness is somehow my fault. That if I only took better care of myself I never would have had to have my colon removed. A couple weeks ago he said I probably never had colitis, I actually was just "lactose intollerant". Yeah right.

The timing sucks, but you might be better off in the long run. Try to be strong for yourself. Get through this surgery, and then get on with your life. Best of luck. Vent anytime you need to!

Jillian, I'm so sorry that this happened to you. Just know that you'll be better off for this. If he can't be there for you when you need him the most, well, its his loss. You will get through this with help from the people who love you the most - your friends and family. Its too bad this many wasn't strong enough but, believe me, there are men out there who are.

Hang in there, remember to breathe, try to keep your stress down because you have to heal from the surgery, be kind to yourself. I've got my fingers crossed for your takedown this wednesday.

Suzanne