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Hi all, just needed to vent a little, maybe get some good advice. My husband is wonderful but can't seem to muster empathy when the chips are down - like on and off for the past six years. After my first surgery, I was shocked to see how much help I needed in the hospital. I hate asking for help, am generally the one to want to offer it. When I asked my husband if he could stay the night, he rolled his eyes, sighed and groaned, "If you really want me to, I will." Needless to say, it made a difficult situation harder. I've mentioned to him that I will ask someone else to stay when I'm in for pouch removal in October. He looked shocked, said he didn't remember acting like that at all. Anyway, we left a concert tonight and saw an ice cream truck. He joked, "No ice cream for you!" (Ice cream makes me literally explode.) I replied, "After my surgery I can have it." Then I mentioned how anxious I am about this upcoming major surgery that could very well be tougher than my first two, which were pretty rough. He was quiet, when he finally spoke, it was something like, "You do what you gotta do." I know he couldn't possibly understand how tough our road is, but a little shoulder would've been appreciated. Anyone relate to this? It makes me sad because there are many things I couldn't completely understand, yet I'd like to think I would attempt to empathize. It also makes me more nervous about this next surgery. Thanks for listening; I'm feeling a little alone at the moment.
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My husband is sort of the same way, at least until HE was diagnosed with UC! So he gets that UC stuff now, but mostly wrings his hands and worries when I am in the hospital. But, his empathy only goes so far. I had to laugh when he said, "At least you were lucky to sleep through it all! I had to sit for hours and hours not knowing if you were going to live!" He never spent the night with me and I never asked him. He had to go to work, manage the household, and mind the kids. These are things he was not accustomed to doing (other than going to work). So, he was suffering too, exhausted trying to hold it all together. One night he called and asked for permission not to visit because he was just so tired, he needed some sleep.

I am not saying you are wrong to feel like your problems are minimized. It just is not something that most people can relate to. Even someone who has been by your side through it all. It does not mean he lacks love or caring. He is just human with human frailties. You came to the right place to vent. We get it. It's OK to feel this way.

Jan Smiler
Lamb,
I am so sorry that he is not giving you what you need at the times that you need it the most.
I am not quick to judge or criticize knowing that we all have our quirks and quarks but it hurts so much when they ignor our pain and suffering,
Mine was thick skinned when it came to my suffering (understatement) and blissfully ignored everything that I was going through (to be fair he did come to the hosptial but was very uncomfortable doing it and begged off whenever possible in the begining) during the 1st 4 surgeries...but #5 he got into the swing of things but still lacked the empathy gene until he had a heart attack and suddenly things changed.
Yes, men need to learn from experience and until they are in our shoes (hopefully never) or have suffered similarly they just cannot get it. (fine, not All men but it seems to be a general majority!)
Lack of sensitivity seems to be their stock & trade but we keep them around anyway (just for decoration?)....
I have ranted til I turned blue here on the site when step-kiddies appetites and desires were prioritzed over my health and well being, even post-op...so I get it.
Then on some strange and rare occasion (like now when my dad is hospitalized and deminished he bursts into tears and leaves the room...over sensitive these days...because he sees my pain or his future????? Doesn't matter, he is being sweet and I take what I can get.
There is no teaching curve...no lesson plan to teach emotional sensitivity or kindness or responsibility...some guys just get it spontaneously...others never...the best that we can hope for is that they do not become 'toxic' when we need them most...lashing out like 2yr olds that need their mommies or turning their backs and fleeing when most needed.
Good luck with yours...just when I thought that mine was fully (for a lack of better word) trained...
sharon
I appreciate the replies. When my mom had a brain aneurism, my dad signed himself into the hospital for elective back surgery. Their marriage was never the same after that. They're both gone now - my mom passed away six weeks after my first surgery - and when I got this kind of reaction from my husband after surgery number one, I understood what my mom must've gone through. I know we all have limitations in terms of what we are capable of. I'm just trying to prepare for this next experience and I'm grateful for the support of you, who know how hard it can be.
Hello all...
True... We are useless we it comes right down to the caring part. I try with my wife... She has had major shoulder surgery and by the time they got done she had no shoulder.
Just ligaments and muscle holding her arm in place. I tried but there really was not much I could do. I did what I could.
When it came to my j pouch surgery I could not have had a better person to be by my side.
I was very lucky. We've been married 36 yrs. But she helped with the most disgusting parts of after surgery where most would call a nurse she didn't. I love her more now than I ever have for helping me thru this and still helping me. Now when something comes up with her I help all I can. I have seen the other side as you say.
Just my two cents. We can change... May take something drastic but we can.
I feel for you that you cannot get support from your husband. We are men.... That says it all. You know it too!
am really a very fortunate person since i have uc and then the pouch my husband has been amazing with me(since 04).. we are married 47 years..he worries about me and has been there for me all the way..i seriously do not know if i could match his care and treatment of me..i have to try and remember all the time to reciprocate on things that annoy me ..silly things like hang u your towel and shoes off when feet on couch and so on because he is so outstanding on the big things..although he never had issues like i do he says he lives with it and gets it..i believe he does..he is the wind beneath my wings..and i know i am very lucky

but i can remember when we were younger and he always thought of me as the strong independent,work out person women and i could do it all(sure you can grab the other end of our 2000 pd sofa and move it!!!) or if i were sick with flu and home taking care of kids..i thought gee he was missing the sensitivity chip!

but it changed when i got sick...and continue to have serious ly bad days..maybe it was part of growing older..but i am grateful for his help..
Lambiepie,
You are not alone. I have a truly uncaring and selfish husband who has turned into a nasty verbal abuser during the last 4 years, actually it started 18 years ago with my diagnosis and has slowly gotten worse. It is so bad that I finally got him to agree to go to make an appointment with a therapist about his anger.

He didn't stay all night in the hospital, even though I was in a suite of a room with a long couch that folded out into a nice bed. Our children are in their 30's and he is retired so there was nothing that he had to do the next day or days. I was in the hospital 16 days with my first surgery and the longest he was there was 4 hours one day. He watched a football game. I didn't ask him to stay all night either, because I knew he didn't want to. I told him a few months ago that if I ever have surgery again that I want him to stay all night. I ended up coming out of the hospital with PTSD.

He's never had to do anything to take care of me, except to drive me to appointments as I couldn't drive for a long time after my surgeries.

I think your husband sounds a hundred times better than mine. Make sure he learns to understand how you feel and if you want him to stay all night ask him to. Tell him how scary it is when you can't get out of bed and the nurses say they are going to be right there and they aren't, etc. My big problem was dehydration - I had a night I thought I was going to die. He should have been there.

There are several ladies in the group that have helped me over the last few years deal with this. Thank you for your support, it has given me strength.
Last edited by TE Marie
My husband who died of Leukemia 9 months after my colon ruptured, was a caring, attentive man but he himself was so stoic that when I had flares of UC and spiked very high temperatures he would attempt to take care of me at home, icing me down, getting me fluids, even dumping me in a cool tub (despite my weak resistance)to deal with the fever. It wasn't until the last most severe flare when I spiked a temp of 104 and he was dead tired from a night of icing and a neighbor (who is a doc) stopped over and took one look at me and said you need to be in the hospital right NOW that I finally went by ambulance to the ER. I realize now I mistakenly relied way too much on the judgement of a crazy stoic person when I was sick and hence did not take good care of myself. I guess I wanted to live up to his expectations. End result: David died of AML Leukemia and my colon ruptured a week after hospitalization and I had a colectomy and months later the j pouch surgeries. I took care of my husband throughout his stem cell transplant and daily transfusions and throughout his dying process but he had died by the time I had my two reversal surgeries and surgery for a serious spinal cord injury. I know it's kind of indulgent but sometimes I feel a little sorry for myself that he was not around to help me in appropriate ways when things got really tough for me. He could not help me at all through any of my surgeries. Men are not very good as care providers - too much or too little or not there at all.
TEMarie and Savannah, I am so sorry for both of your experiences. I can't imagine my husband emotionally abusive and I certainly can't imagine him gone. It sounds like I have one who's somewhere in the middle and I should be grateful for that. He actually approached me and said that he feels badly that he acted the way he did when I needed him and that he really wants to be there for me next time and that I need to point out right away if he's acting difficult. I thought that was pretty impressive. I do know I can ask my sister, who stayed with me after surgery number one (she lives 3hours from the hospital but I begged her.) She bought all the aides lunch and managed to snag me a room fan. She really should do this for a living! Thank you all for sharing.
Hi Lambypie,
I think one of the best ways to understand husbands and to be patient with them is to be aware that they are afraid but don't show it or say so. I heard at one point from a friend that my husband had confided in her that he was really scared about taking care of me and managing the house and holding things together. I sort of knew this but probably didn't know it enough. So, don't give up on your guy really learning how to pull through for you. It sounds like he really wants to and that's more than halfway there!
I agree. It is difficult to imagine what others might be suffering because of our traumas. We can be so focused on our own needs, we can't see it. Plus, the last thing our partners want to do is complain about their own stress and worry when our plates are full. So, they wring their hands in silence, wondering what they will do if their spouse does not return. If they do express it, they come off as being selfish.

Jan Smiler
I am so sorry for your loss Savanna. Your emotional pain in unimaginable. Your husband sounds like a wonderful caring man. You have gone through a lot with your surgeries and the loss of your husband happening all around the same time. Your spinal problem is very scary on top of the UC etc.

As for my husband. He made the appointment with a therapist and admitted he's been verbally abusing me. He knows I am not going to tolerate it anymore and wanted to plan an exit strategy now. After a few days of internal deliberation I told him that I wouldn't plan for failure as I wasn't raised to fail. He agreed and we are not going to plan for failure. I could tell that lifted his spirit. I love him and hurt for him. He is an unhappy man. He just needs to quit taking it all out on me.

Thank you all.

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