Ok, so you are the only people who I can talk to about this. It is driving me nuts. It started during my road trip with hubby last week. I tried to broach the suject of my 'health problem' and what would happen if something ever happened to me and I couldn't speak for myself...In France there are no medic alert bracletes and no real centralized data bank. There are also no K pouches or K pouch surgeons.
I wanted to talk to him about the pouch, the intubation, the method etc and how to expalain it to a dr if need be. He blocked me out. Litterally turned away. Changed the subject 3 times. Lit a cigar and went for a walk. My 'conditon' is taboo to him and his whole family. If they don't understand it then it doesn't exisit. 'I am healed' according to them. But what if while on the road there is an accident? I tried 3xs and all 3 he refused to even discuss it. I went as far as to tell him that it could kill me if the Dr.s don't know that I must be intubated. (they stuck a bag on me once in O.R. after telling me that they knew how it worked!). His answer was, 'then you will die'!
He won't discuss the miscarriages either. They never happened and I must have never wanted kids. He will not allow me to mourn. He is a darling man but he is medically ignorant and terrified of all things medical except for colds and athlete's foot.
I am exploding inside. He won't even carry a card explaining at all. Doesn't even know 'what I've got'...it went so far that he has started to get chest pains every time I tried to talk about it (dad used to get asmha attacks whenever we discussed my mom)... I live in a foreign country with few friends and less family, all his, and if no one can speak for me (yes, I am redoing my card but he won't even touch it!)then I feel 'destabalized'.
Suggestions?
Right now he is at the Dr. for an ear ache that he developed the 2nd time I tried to discuss it...maybe it would have been better if he went to a shrink (with me!)...(that is out of the question too...unacceptable!)
Sharon

Oh, Sharon... that is terrible. I'm so sorry he refuses to acknowledge these difficulties. Sounds like he absolutely needs to be in therapy, if he has a physical reaction to your attempts to discuss things, and that was going to be my suggestion until I read your last sentence. He needs to learn to walk with you, to be your partner in all this. You must feel so alone. I wish there was something I could say or do to help. My hubby isn't the greatest about talking about it either, he often dodges questions or changes the subject, but this sounds really extreme. Do you have family elsewhere? Is there ANYONE (friends, other family, etc) that you could talk to in real life? If he is so paralyzed by the subject that he would literally rather you die than have to talk about it, there is a big problem and he may need a wake up call. I hate to give you marriage advice, but this would be enough for me to want to find another place to stay for a while until he could get his act together, which I know is difficult with you in a foreign country. So sorry I don't have more advice. Sending you lots of hugs.

I'm assuming that your husband won't go to therapy with you so I'd suggest that you go by yourself. Perhaps a therapist can give you tools to deal with this.

You should also print up everything that is important if you are unable to speak for yourself and demand that he carry it with him. He doesn't need to read it - he just has to have it with him.

kathy

Hi Sharon!

I am so sorry you feel this way and are in the situation you are....I can't imagine not being able to talk to my husband about all this. I often worry if he is sick of hearing about it but he says no. I am glad you at least have those of us here to turn too....the way you describe attitudes and such in France makes me think that I don't really ever want to visit there. I have been to Europe and would love to go back but am thinking France will not be one of my stops.

I will say an extra prayer for you that you may find peace in dealing with all of this and that maybe the Lord will work on your husband's heart as well! Hang in there!

I just hung up from my best friend in Canada..2hrs. Thank goodness we have free phone or I would be bankrupt by now...She can at least listen and give phone advice. I am going to make an apt with a notary to write up a living will so that it can speak for me if I can't. She will be my 'person'. She already has power of Attorny for certain things. I will also print up a card that I will make him carry and keep a copy in my wallet too.
As for the talking..thank goodness that all of you are here...some days I feel that I will bust from all of the stuff that I can not say....Not all French men are like this but it is often a very Latin trait..all Mediterainian men were raised that way in the 50's and 60's +++...the new generation is better at sharing but my guy is from the old boys club.
He believes that if you don't talk about it it won't happen. Superstitious? Somewhat but still it is hard to live with. (he lost 2 siblings very young from 'preventable' diseases: ruptured appendix and asmha)...
In France there is really no one that I can truely talk with..no real family other than in-laws and they are all in their 80's. No chance for dialogue there.
There are no therapists in my town (too small? or just not needed???!!), it is a 'poor burb' going through urban renewal. We don't even have a fish or cheese shop! There is only one generalist left (mine retired last week)...and the hospital closed down last year...so that is out too. I will look into finding one in Paris but close to here..I could use a little shrinking right around now.
Sharon

Sorry to hear you are not getting the support you need to have a good comfort level.

Wish I had some wise words to help.

(The only suggestion I could think of was to discuss with your local GP or leave instructions with them in case of emergency).

A living will is a good start.

Regards

Lew

Well, I was encouraged by your vacation post, but discouraged by this one. I'm sorry to hear that he wants to remain ignorant and I'm also sorry to hear that there were miscarriages in your life. Those are so hard especially when you can't share it with your man.

I really don't understand his reasoning here or his lack of feeling toward the matter unless he is so afraid of death that he thinks if he ignores it then it will never happen. He definately has his head in the sand and likes it that way. You will never change him. Just take care of yourself as best you can and pray that nothing ever happens like that.

Sorry, my friend. Big hugs!
Susan

Sharon...so sorry about this..
It really sounds to me that he is someone who uses DENIAL big time to deal with any of his life's problems, unpleasnantness etc. It seems to me that he is denying that anything will happen and that he is probably scared "sh.tless" that something may ever happen to you...it seems that he doesn't want to think about what might happen to him if anything happened to you! Of course he could use some therapy but most probably will never go...if it's so bad for you, YOU find a therapist for YOU!
He sounds an awful lot like my ostrich of a husband who had a really tough childhood with lots of nasty stuff happening but he denies any and all of it......after all...if it's not there, there is no problem!
Good luck
Smart of you to do a living will and explainging it to your friend.....He will probably eventually come around, but my guess is he is too scared to face it

Hi Sharon,


I'm not an expert, but I think that if you really love this person but have no way of getting him to go to therapy with you, then you should go for yourself..because it will help you deal with the situation. If he won't acknowledge that part of you, then you can do that for yourself. Just do everything AND more for yourself to feel empowered, strong, and at peace. I'm sure your husband loves you dearly, but the thought of your illness probably scares him. Sometimes one person cannot be everything for us, but they are good enough. We can use our own strength to fill in the gaps.


Good luck to you!

Thanks all for your support,
You marry for better or worse and in some ways he got the worse, at least in the begining. He alway warned me that he was afraid of hospitals, illness etc and that I should never expect him to stick around to hold my hand through hospitalization etc. 1 week after we started dating I went in for emergency surgery. He showed with a bouquet, a hug and spent his time staring at his shoes. (needles terrify him)1 yr and 4 emergency surgeries later he had proved himself. He walked me to O.R. each time, came every night to visit and cried his eyes out secretly every day into his best friend's shoulder (piggish bore).
10 months after our wedding it all fell apart again. 9 more surgeries. 3 years or living hell (we have all known those years here). Hubby can not talk about. He cannot look into my 'kit bag' or discuss anything about it. He goes into white panic mode. Ostrich? Oh yes. Dug deep. He is a good, kind and generous man who married me 'in spite of my problems' because he truely loves me (he is more surprised than anyone about that!). And he hopes to death each time that I am 'healed'. He is limited and imperfect. And scared to death. Scared of losing me and scared of watching me suffer. All that said he has never given up or let go. He crawls into his shell and hides when faced with illness, even his own, especially his kid's.
Psy help is out of the question. doesn't believe in it. No one in his generation seems to (he is 63)...he believes that I am well, we are fine and women should not share certain aspects of their 'female life' with hubbys.( a bit macho? yup, but the man cleans toilets! and vacumes the floors!)
I will look into finding a therapist close to home and I like the idea of getting a GP involved (mine retired). I will work on the info card too.
I know that no one is perfect (look who's talking! ) and that we marry those whose defects we can live with but sometimes it is just hard. Being alone and isolated makes things worse. I can't dish to the nearest girlfriend and don't have family for support.
Thanks so much for allowing me to let it all out...at least you are all here to listen. It makes me feel less alone.
Sharon

God he's old - he's my age!
(Just turned 63 myself).

I guess sometimes we just have to accept each other as we are - appreciate the positives and try and accept the negatives. (My wife's being doing that for 41 years - thinking of putting her up for sainthood).

I can appreciate his non confidence in a psych - guess it's part of our generation regardless of where we live. I could never see myself going to one - I was raised that you solve your own problems. Its been suggested that perhaps I might be a tad stubborn as well.


Hope you follow through with the GP thing and info card it should at least provide some comfort.

All the best and continued better health - get planning that next trip - shoot for 11 days!

Regards

Lew

Your husband is who he is and you love him and know all the good in him. To certain extent we all accept our partner's and loved ones foibles. You said he stepped up to the plate when he had to in the past, it is likely he will if ever called to in an emergency. ALl he really needs to say is that you have a k pouch and the drs can look it up if need be. Have your letter to carry with you, maybe a medic alert bracelet and try to put it out of your mind.

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through all this with your husband. I can only imagine how much pain he's gone through watching you be so sick. We forget that our family members go through our trials with us and it affects them, too.
It sounds like he's got symptoms of PTSD, and if he does then there probably isn't much you can do about it except try to respect his wishes. Easier said than done....
I truly admire your stick-to-it attitude about your marriage and wanting to stay by him even without him supporting you through the sickness part of marriage. Thank you for being a great example to all us married folk.

armywife wrote:

quote:

I truly admire your stick-to-it attitude about your marriage and wanting to stay by him even without him supporting you through the sickness part of marriage. Thank you for being a great example to all us married folk.

Certainly not my idea of a good example to married people.