I agree with all of the above.

I had been diagnosed with UC just a year after we were married and the amount of arguments he started because he couldn't have sex when I was ill was unbelievable! We had been married for over 21 years when I needed my colectomy/j-pouch surgery and I was absolutely terrified! The thing that scared me the most was that I had to fly over to the UK for my operation and I had never been anywhere on my own before! I begged him to come with me but he refused saying he would rather spend the money it would cost on a good holiday after I got out of hospital! I had a lot of complications and spent a total of over 4 months having 4 major operations in that hospital away from my family and friends and the only time he came to see me was when I got peritonitis. The hospital flew him and my mum over because they didn't know if I was going to make it through the night. He stayed for 4 days, but much of that time he was in the pub or the bookies (he was a gambler) so I actually didn't see that much of him.

I made my mind up that once I was recovered I was going to do something to turn my life around so took a secretarial course, got myself a well paid job and just one year after takedown I asked him for a divorce. We had been married for 23 years but I really couldn't imagine another 20 years of life with him. This was the final straw!

There is a happy ending to this though, because 6 months after my divorce I met Frank who was the complete opposite to my ex husband!

The very first date we went on I had a bowel obstruction. I didn't tell him what was going on but just made my excuses that I didn't feel well and needed to go home early. He very kindly put me in a taxi saying that he would ring me when he got home to make sure I was ok, but I knew that he thought I'd given him the brush off. Anyway, I don't know how I managed to make it though my front door because I was in so much pain by then. Even the poor taxi driver asked if I'd rather be taken to A&E I looked so awful!

As soon as I got in I rang my mum who came straight up. By this time I was vomiting violently and she took one look at me and called an ambulance. Just as they were about to cart me off my phone rang. It was Frank. My mum told him that I couldn't come to the phone because I was on my way to hospital. I was mortified when he said he was on his way and told mum to tell him I'd ring him tomorrow.

I was really quite poorly all through the night and at 7 am a nurse said that my boyfriend had called several times during the night and that he sent his love. The next minute I looked up and there he was with the biggest bunch of flowers you've ever seen! I just wanted the floor to open up because I had been bringing faeces up all night and last night's make-up had given me lovely panda eyes, I looked, smelled and felt a complete mess and certainly not the impression I wanted to give this guy on our first date! But he's stuck by me through thick and thin and is not only my partner but my soulmate! He has never let me down when I've been ill, he's always there for me and has alweays come with me to the UK for all of my surgery.

Sorry this has turned into a novel, I just wanted to share with you that there are keepers out there and they can appear at the most unexpected times.

Take care

Shell

WOW Shell, that's quite a story! Congrats to you for finding someone who brings you true happiness.

As with the others, I found the story quite moving too. Thanks so much for sharing

Johnny

This message has been edited. Last edited by: <Johnny D>,

Shell, your story brought tears to my eyes. I'm so very glad you found someone to share your life, someone who is supportive and loving.

But we all know that even healthy people find the quest for Mr. or Miss Right to be a challenge. I worried about my daughter, thank goodness a healthy young lady, and wondered if she would ever find the right man. She did, at age 31, is now married with a new first baby at age 36, but I worried for her as "the clock was ticking."

I was unlucky with my gut but lucky in love -- 41 years later, 35 years after initial IBD diagnosis, I still am lucky that my husband is loving despite my health problems. When he said "in sickness and in health" he didn't know what he was in for, but I would have done the same for him.

Shell, thanks for sharing such a beautiful difficult story.

Hi all,
Thank you for all of your replies. I just today got out of the hospital after a week long stay. The evening after my bf left I ended up in the ER because the abcess that I thought had been cleared up a month or so ago decided to rear its ugly head again. They just kept me on antibiotics for a week and sent me home with a PICC line so that I can continue getting IV antiobiotics for 6 more weeks!
I am doing surprisingly well regarding my ex bf. I might get a little sentimental for a second, but then it is quickly replaced with anger. It was kind of sad to come home to an empty house, but of course my beagle was happy to see me! And your replies help so much. I cannot tell you how happy I am that you are all there. Thanks again for all of your encouraging words.

Bigs hugs,

Jen M.

Hi Jen,

Welcome home! ((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))

We are all here for you so you just yell and we'll listen.

Honestly, I think you are doing great and not only will you get through this break up (and your recovery) but you will go on to be the strong independant lady that you already know you are! You'll do just fine without your ex, expecially now you only have you and your beagle to worry about!

Hang in there... you're doing absolutely fabulous!

Take care

Shell

Shell, there is a lot of emotion in your post, I just wanted you to know that I am not only happy for you, but am also very proud, what you did took a lot of courage!!! Our Best to you, Den

Hi Jen,

This post is written from my point of view and I am the partner of Mark who recently had step 1 for his UC.

For the first few years of Mark being sick when we were in our early-mid twenties, learning how to deal with him being sick was so difficult. There were the obvious problems of sex and lack of general affection because he didn't feel well. But what I noticed more than anything was that I would go through phases were I couldn't touch him b/c I couldn't cope with how sick he felt to even touch at times. It was all based from fear and sadness, I would get angry and would think things like 'well, if he ate better' and then I realized I had two choices, I could leave him b/c he was sick and this wasn't the life 'I had signed up for' or I could stay and learn to love him through sickness and health. I would tell people that along with coping with the disease, we are still a normal couple who have all the normal couple issues, it is a lot to function within.

I know the disease is his, but there were times when I thought my heart was breaking watching him be so sick. We had to go to therapy, I had to go to therapy, and we've done lots of work to not fear the disease, and I/we had to mourn the loss of future we had planned before UC. Anytime we fought it was always out of fear, but at some point we stopped being driven by fear and starting living in the disease and being thankful for the health he had, not the health he didn't have. I believe this is not the just his disease now but it is our disease since it became the third party in our two person family. Once I accepted in a way that it was my families disease and not just Mark's disease, I began to live better with his UC and our relationship became very strong.

I guess all I'm saying is that you are so brave to fight the disease and you will find someone with the desire to help you heal through good and bad times.

Megan

Jen,
Anyone with the courage, strength and faith to survive this disease and all the challenges both pre and post op has a tremendous amount to give anyone they choose to bestow their love on. Every time I see my BF enjoying something - no matter how trivial (like just playing with the dog or sleeping peacefully) I see the strength and magic in him and just get so filled up with emotion that I almost always cry (tears of joy and relief!). Someone who truly loves you will feel this way and the magic and strength in you will draw that special person to you.
One silver lining to all of the suffering you have been through (and all of us with the disease or who love those with the disease) is that you really find out what and, more importantly, who is important, who truly loves you and stop wasting time and energy on the things that don't matter. Life kind of crystallizes for all of us like that.
Treasure yourself and every step that brings you closer to health, happiness and joy - they will all come to you.
Best wishes,
Nicole

Megan's post is great for giving us a glimpse of what the non-ill person in a relationship goes through. Mark is certainly lucky to have you, Megan!
Jen, it sounds like you are going through quite a bit right now in addition to your ex's departure. Please enlist the support of friends and family to help you out as needed. When Paul had to go away for a few days on business and I was early in the recovery from step 1, friends and family took "shifts" of coming to visit, providing some meals and helping out with any chores that needed doing. It can be a shock to the system to deal with all of this on your own when you're used to having someone there, however unsupportive he may have been. Just don't overdo it. Pretty soon you'll be in fighting shape again and will take the world by storm.

Michelle, you have wonderful words of wisdom I love your insight.

Friends are invaluable at times like these. When I went thru some tough break-ups, my friends did all they could possibly do to cheer me up and take my mind off of things. I will always be grateful to them for their efforts in rescueing me from my emotional maelstrom.