Well, my bf of over 4 years moved out yesterday. My illness took a serious toll on our relationship and he finally decided to abandon ship. I had been unable to have sex for almost a year now, since I had vaginal reconstruction and recurrent fistulas, my doc kept saying no, no, no to sex. Well that was to much for THE EX to take! I know there has been alot of recent posts about dating. I guess I better read those carefully! It's a little scary, no, it's alot scary to even think about dealing with all that right now. Having problems like this just wreaks havoc on one's self esteem. I guess I just don't feel like I have alot to offer someone anymore. Talk about getting kicked while your down. Sheeeesh...

Jen M.

Jen -

You should be happy - while it will be hard to see that now, what everyone should hope for in a partner is someone that stands by them through thick and thin. And while health issues are paramount in a lot of relationships, what would happen if you had children one day and one of them got sick? Better to know now that he wasn't one who could stick it out through the long haul that is life.

You will find someone who is your perfect match - bag or not, r/v fistula or not. Just give it time and remember that your illness does not define you. Nor did your boyfriend define you. You define who you are - you choose to be who you want to be, and that's all anyone can and should ask of you.

Hang in there - with each day, it will get better.

Lisa

Hi Jen,

Sorry to hear about your break up, but I completely agree with Lisa, he obviously wasn't the one for you. If he really loved you, he would have stuck by you no matter what, so good riddens to dead weight! You deserve so much better then that, and in time, you will find someone. In the mean time, don't let that jerk ruin your mood, things will get better, just give it time, ok?...let us know how you're doing, and chin up!

Cheers!
Eric

Jen, Lisa said it all. It's hard now, but you'll see it's for the best. You'll find someone with whom you can share the good times and the bad times. Hope things get better for you soon. We are all here for you, so keep in touch.

janna

Well, who needs that loser! Really, you're much better off. This is hard for me to type out without adding constant profanity, but I was with some...idiot that actually got angry with me every time I got sick. He would tell me that he "didn't need to deal with this s***." Actually, funny story, I got mono while I was with him, and he goes "Can we still have sex? No, wait, if you get me sick I'll f***ing kill you." So, I finally grew some, you know, and broke up with him after 9 long, long.....long months. But it was well worth it. He actually just got out of jail a few days ago. I know, I pick real winners. They'res much better fish in the sea. Trust me on this one. Any guy who breaks up with you on grounds of sex or illness is just....no, there isn't even a word for it. Just not worth it. You're so much better off and I'm sure you'll find someone new in no time.

HAPPY. Our lives are full of new chapters. Now is the time to start things new and fresh. There is so much the world has to offer you and now you won't have that extra bad baggage. Now you have time to find the wonderful person you deserve to have that will stand by you. Until that time it's a good time focus on what is important to you. God bless you, and I pray that the perfect guy comes along in God's great timing.

NOBODY deserve someone who can't be there for the good and the bad. When I was so sick and nearly dead, I found how just how great my husband is. He has never flinched at anything even when he had to pack my incision after I came home. We have all gone through a lot ( and continue to as well) and we deserve caring supportive and loving partners. I know that there are wonderful people out there... you just haven't met them yet!

Hi Jen,

If a person truely loves you, they will stick with you thru sickness and health, for richer or poorer, good fortune and bad. Now that you are single again, the doors have opened up to meet someone really special, someone who will be with you thru thick and thin, good times and bad, sickness and health, for richer or poorer.

God Bless,

Johnny

This message has been edited. Last edited by: <Johnny D>,

When I first got sick and was really, really ill the individual I was seeing (for 6 long years) wouldn't even hold my hand to give me some comfort.

A couple of years later I met my husand who curled up around me and held me for hours when I was lying on the floor in agony from my colon. When I finally had my surgeries he did everything for me (was even willing to do bag changes and clean me up if I needed it even though he can't stand 'medical stuff'). He never flinched from anything and was/is always there to support me.

There is someone out there like my husband who is waiting to meet you. Now you are not burdened with a boyfriend who obviously doesn't value you (trust me here and heave a huge sigh of relief) then you can get on with really living. Also, if you're not contantly stressed by your ex, it might help things on the fistula front.

Hang in there, Jen, you've got more than enough to offer for the right man when he finds you.

Suzanne

It may not seem like it now, but like everyone said you are better off without someone who can't be there when you really need them. It took my illness and perforation and month long hospital stay to get my parents to finally accept my relationship with Suzan. She is now like a second daughter to them. It was unfortunate that it took me nearly dieing for this to come about but that is the way of things.

I'm so sorry Jen. I completely agree with all of the above. Good riddance. Maybe we're being hard on him, things must have been difficult for him too, and possibly he couldn't cope seeing you suffer. But there are good men out there who'll stick by you. Look after yourself as you get him out of your system - go for a facial/get your hair cut/ do some retail therapy whatever works for you. Then get out there and enjoy your life. Behind the darkest, thickest clouds, the sky's still blue

Enjoy being single.
Get to know the new you and know you deserve to be treated well.
Like mentioned above, treat yourself to something.
Find a nice hobby or pick up a new book.
Don't rush into dating, no reason to stress yourself out.

Jen,
I completely agree with everyone else who is saying that when you find the right person they will see you for the wonderful person you are and not your illness. My spouse has been through hell and back with me...years of dating while my UC was really bad, quite a while of recovery after my total collectomy, two years back being diagnosed with PSC and mis-diagnosed with
cancer...and she has stuck with through it all.

That amazing partner is out there for you, you two just need to meet.

Hang in there and know that you are better off without that jerk.

-leo

Jen,
I can only imagine how disappointed you must be. Here was someone who you spent 4 years with, and when things got tough, he didn't stick around. Of course, like others said, he obviously was not worth it. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. For now though, I would encourage you to lean on your friends and family for support, and focus your energies on getting yourself healthy. Once you have had time to process all of this and take care of yourself for some time, you will be in a much better position to attract the kind of man that will stick by you in tough times, and not bail at the first sign of trouble.

Wise words Michelle.