My surgery was canceled because my surgeon decided he wanted to do some more tests before we went into surgery so I am hiving an MRI done on Saturday to look for a sinus track from my abscesses I had. He also said that I should get some sperm banked in case the next surgery were to cause some nerve damage. Another few hundred dollars I cannot afford.

I am sinking into a deep depression and don't know how much longer I can handle it. I'm afraid to admit it but every time I get into a car I am tempted to just gas it and yank the wheel off the road. The only thing that keeps me from doing it is how selfish suicide is and the effect it would have on people that care about me. I am dependent on pain medication and every time I get a refill of my medication it lasts less and less time and my pharmacy gives me hell for going through it so fast. I am going tomorrow to talk to my doctor to see what we can do about pain management. I am having such a hard time and feel so lonely as I have nobody to talk to that knows what I am dealing with except on the internet and it just isn't the same as having personal interaction. I talk to my ex girlfriend alot and could really use some companionship but she has moved on and lives on the other side of the country anyways. I think it just hurts more to talk to her and hear about all she is doing and graduating college and moving to start her career and how good she is doing. I wish I had something good about my life I could tell people. All people tell me is that it will get better but it never happens. Each day is a harder struggle to hold on.

KeithO

I am so sorry to hear you are so depressed. It is quite difficult to manage this illness, alone. But, you are not alone. There is a tremendous amount of support on this site. The Jpouch community is quite large. I am sure there is a support group in CA. It is comforting to be able to talk to a fellow Jpoucher that know exactly what you are going through. Look into Medical for some medical support. Most hospitals will accept small payments without charging interest. I almost never put medical bills on credit cards. Why pay interest when you don't have to. Some hospitals offer financial assistance, also.

Your doctor is just being cautious. My surgeon, 14 years ago, didn't even do a colonoscopy before surgery! My GI had done the last colonoscopy 2 years prior to surgery. It was somewhat an emergency surgery. So, be grateful you have the time to do testing. There is always a question, is it UC or Crohns?

Pain medication is necessary sometimes. Don't feel guilty for taking it. You doctor prescribed it for a reason. I take pain meds for adhesion pain every day. It is safer to take a non-narcotic pain medicine. I think some pain meds could add to your state of mind. Check with your pharmacist. It sounds like you could use an anti-depressant. Try talking to you doctor. My GP prescribes Elavil for me. It helps me sleep, too. Recently it has been discovered to help manage pain.

Feel free to send me a private message if you want. I have not contributed to the site for several weeks, so I don't see all of the replies. I have been busy around the house and get sucked in too easily to the Internet. Time seems to disappear while I am surfing, time I don't have to give up!

Take care, Barbara

KeithO,

I am so sorry. Things seem really black for you at present. But life always changes, and you are due for some better times ahead.

I agree that talking to someone, and perhaps anti-depressants, may help you through this rough patch. Also, trying to view your lfe as a detached observer sometimes helps. Life has its ups and downs, and as bad as things are now, they will not stay this way.

I apologize for giving you nothing but platitudes, but please know that there are people who are listening, and who care about you.

Anjuli

Thank you for your replies. The support I get from this site is definitely life saving. Even if I can't make it to a actual j-pouch support group meeting. I do payment plans on most of my hospital bills but at 50 dollars a month on each hospital stay its still hundreds of dollars. I also still pay rent for my apartments down where I was living before I was put in the hospital. Unfortunately I entered in a year long lease but I just payed my last 600 dollars for rent this month. My parents help me out alot on what I can't pay with my temporary disability. I am applying for social security but that takes forever and I hope my Temp doesn't run out before then.

My colectomy was in an emergency situation this summer but this surgery was a pouch advancement to remove my rectal cuff. I think I saw this surgery as an end all of my pain and when it was delayed for more tests it kind of sent me spiraling down. I talked to my GP today and feel a little better and am having an my MRI tomorrow so next week I should be set on if I am having the surgery or not.

I have had a few scopes and biopsies since my colectomy and all have said UC and not crohns. and I am taking Lexapro and Trazodone for depression. I think there is only so much medication can do. He also upped my prescription for pain meds to keep the pharmacy off my back. It gives me a little cushion if I have a blockage or something that requires a little more pain medication. I wish I could take a non narcotic but the only one they tried was toridol and that had really bad consequences. I am already dependent and it works so I'll deal with the dependence when the pain is gone. No use worrying about it right now, the pain is enough to deal with. Life is a emotional roller coaster, especially for us, and I feel better now that my test is tomorrow. Its just hard when your at the bottom of that pit to see any light.

Keith,
These situations are very difficult. Both physically and mentally. I'm not sure about you, but I could have used a crash course on 'How to deal with your life when it shatters into a thousand pieces'. Sometimes it is very hard to cope and you can only do what you can.
It is good that you are talking about it, and it is good that you are letting your doctors know how you feel. It is difficult to get up and go through the motions when you're in pain and the only thing you have to look forward to is your next test. Hopefully each test and appointment will lead you closer to the point where you and your doctors can make another plan so you can get to the next step.
One day at a time.
Let us know how things go. Thinking of you and hoping for the best