From time to tme, I might keep track of what I am doing, not just for myself, but I really dont know, see where this takes me. Well, its currently 4 A.M, and I am having a panic attack, which seems not to go away, I have dealt with these that have lasted for days. Its funny, its over clothes. What clothes will look good with the ostomy since i am getting out more. I joined a ghost hunt group today in my state, ther are 29 members to that. Also, I am going to have to limit my workout to one day a week, seemlingly I was addicted to it, and I am scared it will happen again. Its like alcohol to an alcoholic, i will get obcessed. So, I will have to limit to one day a week focusing on Chest and triceps. The bigger your chest is, the less the ostomy will stick out, smaller belly and bigger chest. So far my last weeks workout was Incline Bench press, Military presses, and dips. Along with another day of inclines, parralel dips, seated rows, and lateral pull downs. It worked my chest, triceps, biceps, and back, with minor trap and shoulder work. I think if I just go 1 day Inclines, Parralel dips, and seated rows in should be enough for chest ans tricep development, along with minor back and biceps. Also at home maybe doing some dips with chairs or chin-ups might be appropriate with ab work. Currently I weigh 150 lbs( before eating or without alot of garments ). My weight is okay for a 5ft. 7 body, but it needs to be increased for more muscularity. I know I have to walk away from bodybuilding, which i was involved with couple years ago, but I must move on. I lost 30lbs of muscle to UC, and those days are over. However, for had having UC, its stupid how I let something like clothes ruin my nite. Therapy doesnt help either, been there done that. Anyway, a friend is coming out of state tommorrow, and I dont want my obcessing over clothes ruin everything, these panic attacks paralyze me. Also, I noticed small hair is falling out, think this is stress related/anxiety. 8 months ago I weighed 157. The ten lb drop is probably because anxiety. I must snap out of it, i studied this as an OT student. My only demise is me. Currently i live on my own and deal with these on my own. Is it my age, it is living alone, or is it my obcession to be perfect when perfection is nothing more than a myth, a myth that I myself created for my self, or in other words ideation. My goals are beyond what are bound for most people. It almost feels like I am a model and everyone is staring at me, this time not for my muscular form or modeling, but because i have a bag.
Side notes: After my surgery I was so depressed I didnt know if I really wanted to be around, but now I know that I do and did because why panic if you care, people who have anxiety care about something, but what is it?
Well, I am getting tired now, but I need to get better, not just for myself, but for my family who watches me have these attacks. However, mostly for me.

Well, its my second day blog entry. I am feeling about 10% better than last nite, hopefully I will be sleeping earlier. Anyway, my weight lifting plan is to take it slow still, one day a week, but with a spin, adding a set to everyone of my workouts, maybe, depending upon how that goes. I have gotten some advice and support on another thread far as belts and everything. Oh yeah far as my friend, I did meet up with her, and talk for awhile, but had to leave to eat dinner, i get incomfortable eating around friends, unless its something small.

Well, today I hit the gym. I did some good exercises. I went in with just a T-shirt, I was so fed up with being self conscience, I was mad. However, it was two T-shirts, to hide it a little. I wore one smaller one, with a bigger one overlaping that. Anyway did incline Bench press, dips, and rows. Also, got some advice. I also didnt have a panic attack while lifting weights, which usually happens, I had a little anxiety, just took my time between sets. Overall, I will say it was an okay day. I also did some driving around to get out of the house. I am also checking ito getting an ostomy support belt, got to call around. Well, its late.

Well, writing a little early. I have this darn fistula, I think thats what it is, I have 25% of my colon, just floating, and has proctitis. Anyway, besides that usual stuff, I went to the gym. The double t-shirt thing seems to be working well cause no looks, and more confidence for me. I did Upright rows, Pull overs, and farmers walk, thats where you grab descent weight and just walk around the gym with it at your sides until you can barley hold on...I think I might have looked weird doing it, Oh, well. I dont know if I will do the Pull overs or not, they seem to hit the triceps a little, along with back. Also, I havent checked into the support belt, but will do so shortly. I still have anxiety, and it got me a little in the gym, but I worked out still.
Also, I met with my g/f to check out some of the new clothes I was buying, so I could get imput, there are good deals on hoodies this time of yer, thought I would snatch up a couple. In the winter, a hoodie is an ostomate best friend, well, for me anyway, cause they fit baggy/bulky, and the insecure level drops. Anyway, I am up beat, but down beat as well. No real significant gains in dealing with anxiety, but like I said, I managed to hit the gym twice this week, good enough.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Crazy1,