I'm a 35 year old woman looking for friends (male/female)near Central Valley, CA. It would be nice to chat with people who are able to understand my situation.

email: lil.biscut@juno.com

Hi,

I live in the San Fernando Valley and have been living with a j-pouch for a year. I'm 35 and single and am having a really hard time getting back into dating. It's hard enough to find a good man and having this problem doesn't help matters. It's difficult to explain why I need to have a bathroom available any where we go. It's hard enough telling my friends that I have know for years let alone someone you are trying to get to know.
Any advice or experience you have would be much appreciated.

Ladies, I just wanted to respond to the, "it's hard enough to find a good man" comment. The way I see it is that now it's easier for us to find a good man. I don't mean there are more out there...I mean it's easier to spot them now. When you tell them about your Jpouch and everything, they can run and think it disgusting or stick. It saves a lot of time in figuring out who is worth having around or not. Just be honest and upfront. I tell people pretty early on so I don't waste too much of my time.

I have to agree witholive oil. I wasn't single through all this, so maybe I can't talk, but my boyfriend has been amazing. If I wasn't sure I wanted to marry him before all this, I'm certain I do now. He told me every day I was beautiful, even when the prednisone side effects had me round faced, pimply and hairy, he was my best nurse at the hopsital, he helped my change my ostomy bag when I've had it, and now continues his support by not laughing at my current diaper wearing while I get used to my new plumbing. The good men are the ones that will love you and take care of you despite everything, and if they run away, thats just less time you wasted dating a loser.

Rachel

That's not a man, that's an angel!!

I just wanted to say how much I appreciate your post (and the comments). I'm 39 and single and have the same problems myself. It's been 18 years of going from one bathroom to another and I can't tell you how many times I've turned down some social event or get together because for me the logistics were just too difficult to manage. Where do you meet people when most people want to go to a bar for a drink?

I remember about 10 years ago overhearing an ex-girlfriend talking to another girl at work about some guy and the girl saying "he probably has some problem like too much gas", and me thinking "You think that's a problem? You have no idea!... damn, better hit the bathroom before my meeting." I hid my problem the best I could up until getting the cancer diagnosis. Once that happened I knew I wasn't going to be able to hide it much more, so I came clean and let quite a few co-workers in on it.

The social world is much more difficult though. Past girlfriends have either known beforehand, or things with me were at a different point in my life. At what point do you tell your date about your needs? If you're talking to new "potential dates" online, do you tell them your whole story up front? I'm at home recovering right now, and I've just started to talk to a girl online. Do I keep the fact that I just had my guts removed a secret until a potential meet-up, or do I take the chance at being completely honest and risk scaring her off? Damn, it's just so complicated.

Jim, I am certainly no expert on dating as I refuse to do it with all of my scars now, but I would think that you could make sure that you both have chemistry and want to get to know each other better before you feel like you HAVE to share your medical issues with her.

Everyone comes with some "stuff"... if it makes you feel better to be completely up front with it to make sure that you don't waste your time with someone who cannot handle the truth, then that's fine. But really you should just tell her whenever you feel comfortable doing so IMHO.

-Nicole

Aww, that sucks! You shouldn't let your scars stop you.

But thanks for your advice Nicole. That's kind of what I've been thinking. I'm not so worried about wasting my time, so I'm not worried about eliminating people that can't handle it. I don't think it's fair to expect people that have never been exposed to this sort of thing to not feel like passing up a relationship with somebody they don't know yet with these kinds of problems. I more worry that a girl would feel like I pulled a fast one on them. Like "for months you've been telling me things are going good and now I find out you just lost your guts to cancer... how is that considered going good?" My response could only be "I don't need chemo... that's GREAT!" LOL

Seriously though, you shouldn't let your scars stop you either. I personally have known some very cool guys that wouldn't be put off by scars. Like you said, everybody has "stuff". I personally prefer women with physical baggage over mental baggage any day.

Not to minimize the way anyone feels and yes, I was already married when I had surgery at 34, BUT, I don't feel like there has to be a bathroom available EVERYWHERE i go. I can go for hors, driving in a car and not have to stop.
I do not and have not considered my j pouch a problem.
I don't count how many times a day I go, never did. It's just my life now.
I don't have UC or pain or bleeding or meds or anything close to what my life was like with UC for 12 years.
Why do you have to tell anyone unless you want to and are getting serious. Dating? I don't think"normal"people, whatever normal is tell people much about themselves until they are comfortable with a person.
Go out, meet people, have fun and don't worry or project. Take it as it comes.
You may be surprised.