My boyfriend, who has a Jpouch since 2001, had to have three procedures done in the last 3 months. He had fistulas and a very serious infection. He is back home and working, but is still recovering. He is facing a very bad depression, and I'm not sure what to do to help him. I'm also very new to all this, since we've been together only for 8 months now, and this is the first time I'm having to deal with all this. I love him very much, and it's very hard for me to see him so depressed. Does anyone have any good ideas for me?

Is he on antidepressants and/or seeing a therapist? Many, many peole go through depression or post traumatic stress disorder. And many people have derived much help from antidressants. If he's not now on them, he should ask his doctor about them. If he doesn't see results within a couple of weeks then he should try another one. They don't all work the same for everyone and sometimes it takes a couple of tries. A lot of us can really understand what he's going through and it's often hard to pull oneself out of that depression pit.

The other thing you can do is just be there for him - even when he's taking it out of you. Of course, you should take care of yourself as well. You can try getting him out and about, but depression often 'insists' one stays at home and mopes. There isn't a whole lot you can do if he isn't accepting your help though.

You might want to PM Cait because she went through hell with her husband while he went through hell. She can give help dealing with this.

But as I mentioned, the best thing you can do is just be there for him. He's lucky to have you. Welcome to the site.

kathy

Hi,
I would second everything Kathy just said - including that you should feel free to PM me if there's more you want to say but not say publicly.
I'm at work at the moment so haven't much time, I'll try to post properly tonight. But as Kathy says, many many people have gone through depression as a result of everything that leads them to find this site. It's a big strain on the pouchers and the pouch partners and frankly, only crazy people wouldn't be driven a little bonkers
Take care of him as best you can, but take good care of yourself too and don't get to beating yourself up for not being a cure for depression - it just doesn't work that way.

Welcome to the site

Cait

A couple good things to understand. First, guys love to fix things and when we can't fix them it REALLY bugs us. Second, most guys want to be "a man" for their families/girlfriends. And not being able to provide, care for, and do things with you obviously contributes to his feelings. Please don't interpret my comments as sexist - just how a lot of guys think.

Going through all of this also creates a huge feeling of powerlessness, which causes some people to fight and some to hide. The hiding leads to depression.

I finally found peace from my depressed feelings only after:
1. Realizing that I was really upset at what I perceived I might have lost forever (the freedom to live a "normal" life, the ability to play with my daughter more than 10 minutes without having to go to the BR, the ability to serve my family vs. them serving me)
2. Accepting that those things might indeed be lost forever and my life might be changed drastically
3. Telling God, "Okay. I hate living like this, but if that's the way it is I will just deal with it."
4. Grieving (through tears) the perceived loss, even with the knowledge things would get better

So, if you can help him understand the source of his pain/anger/grief, you will go a long way to helping him.

That, and all the rest of what everyone has told you

Thanks for being supportive of him.

Hi everyone,
Thank you so much for your replies. They have been helping me a lot. This site is helping me become more open about everything we are going through, and face our problem from a different point of view. I've been learning so much with it.
Best wishes,
Borboleta

BORBOLETA, I would say it's not as easy from a mans point of view to take drugs and go to therapy/support groups for the change this does to our LIVES. I'm not saying it's easier for women, just that you all adjust better than we do. My take on the question that you pose to us is a bit lengthy for this forum, but, if you would like me to send him or you an e-mail putting forth my experience with depression and just plain hatefullness I would be more than happy. Had my j-pouch done in '98 and I still let the changes affect me and my life. My lifestyle revolved around hunting, hunting, fishing, A.T.V.'s, motorcycles and camping ect... I can give him a view around those types of activities if thats what he's into. Only if you think it would help. Almost 10 yrs. after and I'm still dealing with the effects. GOOD LUCK !!!!