I know it's been a while since I posted and I wait too long to ask for advice, but maybe someone can help me out. My sister is getting her second major surgery and I feel so guilty and sick over it. I just keep picturing how hard it was for her the first time. She was in so much pain and so sad, uncomfortable, frail and weak. I felt so USELESS! There was nothing I could do for her, but watch her. I would talk to her and try and make her laugh, rub her legs because she couldn't walk too much. I just feel like how can I be here at my house trying to be "normal" while she is getting her guts ripped out AGAIN!!! I guess I'm really p*$$ed off too. She has already been thru hell with this disease and it just seems to get worse not better.

I completely understand your feelings but you are obviously a great sister or you wouldn't be having these concerns.

Believe me, even if all you do is sit there and rub her back or hold her hand or bring her something to drink, you are doing SO MUCH for her just by being "there" for her. She needs your emotional support just as much as any chores or errands you can perform for her.

You're already doing what she needs, by asking the wonderful folks on the site what you should do.

So hang in there for her. Trust me, no matter what life hands you, having a loving sister is some of the best medicine you can have. I have one, and your sister is lucky to have you, too.

thank you for your advice. It really helps especially because you actually live it. I want to be as supportive as I can without being over whelming. I love my sister so much and I want to do what ever I can for her. But most of the time I just don't know what to say or do.

Some people just naturally do guilt better than others. But really, you have no need to feel it. You did not cause her pain or wish it upon her. She really does not expect you to find a way to be miserable so she can have company with her misery. Plus, you really have no idea how this next surgery may go. It may be a cake walk and you have yourself tied in knots for nothing!!

Really, being there is often more than enough. You do not have to be able to perform magic and make all her discomfort go away. Just knowing you are loved can be a great gift and tonic!

Jan

I guess the guilt is easy for me because we have the same blood and I feel bad that it's her and not me. Not that I want it ,but I don't want her to have it either. So since I couldn't make that happen I feel like as long as I'm miserable she won't feel alone. But as you have already said my being this way isn't helping her anyway. Thank you for your honesty.

The thing is that you are showing yourself to being a caring and loving sister. What a gift! So many people can't stand to be in the same room as their siblings, so this is really great. The tricky thing is figuring out how to be empathetic and sympathetic without getting yourself into a depression. You'll be great, because you care!

Jan

Jan is totally right like always but from the "caregiver" point of view..... it's HARD not to feel guilty. Guilty you can't fix it (my case), guilty it's her not you in yours. But you are there for her and I'm so in awe of you. I love all my sibs but I can't say I could go thru this with them (luckily they are all married......) Does this mean she's in for takedown or is she having other problems? From what I understand and even in Dennis's case, the takedown surgery is much easier.

You keep being the wonderful supportive sister you are. My sister and her husband got a team together this year for Dennis and another friends 3 year old daughter and did the CCF walk run. My 16 year old wears one of the t-shirts with pride.

Sometimes, even just sitting there and letting their venting have a place to bounce off helps. SO, don't feel guilty, feel purposeful because you are something for her.

You impress me!!!!

I really appreciate the advice, you guys keep it real and that's what I was looking for.I talked to her on the phone tonite and she is going in at 7am tomorrow morning. She is definately stronger this time around. I can hear it in her voice. I pray this is a cake walk for her. She is having the rest of her colon removed completely and the new pouch w/ the temp. outside bag.

Oops! I am going to backtrack here. This will not be a cake walk. I thought she was just having the take down, but if she is having the j-pouch construction, then it will be just as major, if not more than the first surgery. However, she will probably tolerate it a whole lot better because she will be healthier going in. The biggest issue for her will be the loop ileostomy because it will be much more difficult to manage as compared to the end ileostomy she has had to this point.

Tell her not to get discouraged because it leaks more...it is only temporary.

It will be the third surgery in your sister's case that will be the cake walk.

Good luck.

Jan

She'll probably be pretty tired. It's major surgery and therefore the body needs time to recover. Walking is good, as much as she can tolerate. Once she's home, it will be an effort to take a shower, brush her teeth, things like that, so maybe you can be helpful there.

With the ileostomy, she'll need to stay hydrated, so maybe you can encourage her to drink her fluids. That would be helpful.

And be sure to check out the Ostomy & Skin forum for help with managing the loop ileostomy. LOTS of good advice there.

She's in my thoughts today. Keep us posted on how well she does!

Annie has been in surgery for awhile now and is doing well. Mike said she is feeling really confident and the surgery team is the best in the US. She'll be in surgery for about 4-5 more hours depending on how much scar tissue they find inside. He will be calling with updates thru-out the day. Thanks for everything