I have had alot of abdominal surgies and weight gain and thank god weight loss, so my stomach looks like a reck. i was married for 10 years when all of my surgeries happnen i am now divorced and dating is hard enough- please how to do you even explain what the hell happened, let alone the noises my stomach makes. Anyway, i feel so self conscoius - my ex was great about my scars. I know they all say- if a man doesnt accept you- then he is not worth it, But-- i just wonder how to explain- i had one "encounter" and I said to my friend that i had some problems- he assumed it was "female" bc i dont have children. Having a jpouch is hard but explaining and dating and sex is very hard. I would be great to meet a man with a jpouch-lol this way we both understand, I just need any advise, tips. Just feeling not pretty

Hi Curly,
Well, I am one of the veterans here and have had so many abdominal surgeries that I have given up counting...my tummy looks like the Paris subway map...9 scars, bumps and buldges, hills and valleys...all in all, yuk.
So I understand.
I was single for 20 yrs and dated all of that time...It usually took me 3 months to be able to get intimate with most men...it also limited the number of relationships very quickly...most couldn't be bothered to hang around that long! Those that did got 'tactical camoflage' for the first couple of months...frilly, sexy, lacy stuff that hid it all. I couldn't take the risk of their being 'turned off' by the mess.
Well, the real surprise was that after a while, the lingerie bothered them more than the scars ever would...They felt cheated, not trusted etc...in the long run...it was much harder for me to learn to trust than for them to get used to the scars...
I have been with my hubby for 11 yrs now, 6 married...he may not like the scars (they remind him of all of the pain that I have been through and the risk that it may happen again)but he loves me.
Who says that if they love you they will love/accept the scars? I don't believe it. I believe that they will love you and that eventually they will no longer notice them. They are part of you. For now though..tactical camoflage helps tons...make it a game. Make it hid and seek. Make it comfortable for you first. If you are relaxed and comfortable then they will be too.
Good luck and let me know how you are doing with it all.
Sharon

Thank you so much. You made me laugh. Well the last time i just explained before things started so to speak. I didnt hide them, but they were not visible. Maybe it did bother him, but he didnt ask later. I have a male friend, who is more blunt, he said men are not looking at your stomach. I hope to see my friend again, if i dont then i guess the scars might have bothered him, (fyi- he had an almost perfect body) but i suspect not. I am trying to have better self image and self esteem, between jpouch and divorce it has taken a beating. But I have lost 94 pounds and i am at the weight i was 10 years ago!!! but it still so hard to date

If the scars bothered him, he is not worth it!! I will be honest and say I hate my scars so much and was worried also what would happen when I met someone. I am pretty blunt like your male friend and said straight up what happened. He was very sensitive and could not believe what I had been through. I ended up marrying him too! If the men are worth keeping around they really will not care!!I truly believe this!!Good luck!

Curly,
My hubby was the 'catch' of the century...every woman I knew wanted him, fought for him and scratched and bit just to get a date with him...his body was perfect and so was his brain: smart, funny and a reknowned professional...I was the only nut who didn't want him..too perfect for me...self image? None.
So after he had finished with all of the otherplastic beauties he fell in love with me. Not my body (fine the guy is a famous architect...he loves semitry, perfection etc)just me. Like he says, the body ages, hangs, stretches etc and he is not about to change down every time I get a wrinkle..so...I had to put My prejudices in the closet and accept that he could love me and that it wasn't a joke!
don't underestimate other people's capacity to love you. You are not your disease. You are not a bag of skin with scars. You are not an anus, a pouch or an intestinally challenged individual (for the politically correct among us!)...
You are a couragous, intelligent, lovely woman who has taken control of her life and deserves love, sex and fun...
So go for it...you will win and loose love just like every other woman..perfect or not...when it is you 'lid for you pot' you will know it and so will he.
Sharon

Being a bit of a love machine this was something that I was worried about initially, I do my best to ignore pouch/illness etc so its not something that generally comes up in conversation but when getting to know someone it does inevitably crop up, Iv never had a problem with either ladies or the gents - if they like you they like you, scars and all, lets face it most people have things theyre self concious about.
Good luck and hey if anyone needs any loving advise Ill be happy to oblige....arf arf.

Hi Curly,

I was married when I had a lot of my operations, and I got really fat too.
After I separated from my ex I lost loads and loads of weight, had a tummy tuck and felt great and attractive for the first time in years.

Still my stomach was/is very scarred having been opened 9 times, but I actually knew that if I met someone I would have to know he adored me even before he got to stomach base.

I did, and he is a beautiful tall dark handsome man 10 years younger than me, and he told me that if I didn't have every single scar that I have, he may not love me in the exact same way that he does.

He thinks I am beautiful scars and all.

(Thank christ he seems to be blind to my cellulite & the spider veins on my thighs too)

quote:

please how to do you even explain what the hell happened

I do not believe that explanations are necessarily required, except when you get to the stage of intimacy and perhaps might be asked questions about your scar.

I recently got intimate with a woman for the first time. She asked me about my scars. I tried to give her a straight up explanation and tell her what a J Pouch is. I ended up having to draw a picture of a J Pouch. I could see an enormous look of complete confusion on her face. And my perception was that this was not a pleasant confusion and I perhaps gave her too much information.

It really depends on whether your objective is to develop a so called "f--- friend" type relationship, or a true "significant other." In the case of the former, which is how I would describe my relationship with the woman I was intimate with, the best course of action would have been to withhold the details and just tell her I had abdominal surgery to fix some things in my plumbing. In the case of the latter, a more honest and detailed recitation of the relevant history is probably in order. I would say it is probably harder for women than it is for men. But the truth is that some women who have had 3-5 kids have stretch marks that look more horrendous than the scars you are describing. So it is all relative. My experience with single women is that they become more self conscious when they hit their late 30s or so and perceive competition from younger woman. Vanity kicks in leading to boob jobs, tummy tucks etc. Sometimes women underestimate men and do not realize that men are people too and if they just behave towards men as men behave towards their own male friends, they will acquire more male friends and this in turn will lead to more romantic interest by men in them. Personality plays a very important and underrated role especially as you advance into the referenced age group. I personally prefer women who are highly intelligent and sassy and are not intellectually frightened by me. I am attracted by confidence in a woman and therefore these kinds of issues as asserted in this thread would for me constitute a turn off. You need to put your best foot forward and extoll your perceived strengths, and stay away from the acknowledged weaknesses. All women have strong and weak points from my perspective and it is all about how they perceive and manage their portfolio in that regard.

Good luck, and remember that men are people too.

I have recently become single again. The scars are bad enough...but I also have an ileo to explain. Oh man...and rv fistula! I just realized...I may never have sex again...LOL.

Cataja,

To the extent you are unhappy with your newfound single status: in your case does it make sense to contact the Mayo Clinic and see if they have some kind of support or social network for individuals with ileostomies? I have followed your posts over the years and it seems like you may be in the category of persons who might want to form relationships with men and/or women who have ileostomies. Just a thought!

One of the attorneys I work with went through a very painful divorce from wife #2 and he is now married to wife #3 and he has 2 young children with her, in addition to grown daughters about 28-32 years old from wife #1. In the aftermath of that painful divorce from wife #2 which came on the heels of an exceedingly difficult marriage that I was forced to live through on a daily basis, he ended up going on one of those social dating websites which is how he found wife #3. He tried to get me interested in it too but I never had any interest. I am not really sure how it works but I think you build a portfolio that includes your age, profession, your hobbies and interests, and there is some programming, which I am not sure exactly what it does, but it feeds in your data and then spits out women who are supposedly good matches. And this website found him a good woman and he has been married to her for about 7 years now. I personally would never use one of these websites and/or personal ads of any kind, but I think for certain people who need to be in a long term relationship like this colleague of mine, they serve a useful function.

quote:

But the truth is that some women who have had 3-5 kids have stretch marks that look more horrendous than the scars you are describing. So it is all relative. My experience with single women is that they become more self conscious when they hit their late 30s or so and perceive competition from younger woman.

I have to comment on this. It is a very misogynistic statement. Stretch marks are not horrendous. And your experience with single women appears to be a certain type of woman - vain and vacuous.

I apologize if my comments upset or disturb anybody. But these comments hit that nerve.

kathy

quote:

I have to comment on this. It is a very misogynistic statement. Stretch marks are not horrendous. And your experience with single women appears to be a certain type of woman - vain and vacuous.

I apologize if my comments upset or disturb anybody. But these comments hit that nerve.

kathy

I have to comment on this. You are nothing but a **** stirrer on this board. I said nothing inappropriate and in your usual quickness to stir **** you misquoted me. I said SOME which you conveniently left out of my quote. It is probably too much for your vapid mind to handle but my comment was meant to put the OP's concerns in proper perspective as scars are created for a whole host of reasons. And the remainder of your presumptuous comment about what women I choose to see says it all about what kind of person you are. You should be suspended by the Moderator but I will leave that to him.

Let me just tell everyone else here that a number of people have left this board because of this person and I have gotten numerous PMs to that effect. This person is also a stalker who stalked me with PMs until I just ignored her PMs (which basically said that any number of my posts were "politically incorrect", presumably according to her sense of what was "politically correct" on this board since the Moderator has never mentioned this to me, never mind that I was just posting the truth as I believed it to be). She should have been removed or suspended a long time ago. It is useless participating on a board when you have one person who perceives it as their own cult and behaves accordingly. Again, I leave it to the Moderator to act.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: DJBHusky,

I haven't taken anything out of context. It was an exact quote.

If people have left because of me, then I am sorry. If I notice that someone is supplying incorrect information or harassing a member than I will usually say something. It has absolutely nothing to do with me trying to be a moderator. Since this is a public board, then the public has a right to post. If what I have posted is inappropriate then it definitely should be removed. If a person leaves because of something I've said, then I'd have to say that their skin is a little thin. And you're absolutely correct - if Bill thinks I need to go then I should go. However, I stand by my statement.

Please provide valid proof that I stalked you. As you know, because it's been mentioned over and over again, all you have to do is block a person from sending you PM's. Have you done that? Please explain how I've stalked you? You are absolutely correct, in the past I sent you PM's when you (by your own admission) were out of control and I felt that a PM was a much better form of communication rather than conversing on the discussion board. It's interesting that you did not mention that you also PM'd me.

I do not perceive this board as my own cult. I can't even imagine how you've gotten to the point of giving me so much importance. I am not that important. It seems that your real problem is that you don't like people to disagree with you. Since you're an attorney, that's sort of hard to fathom.

kathy

It's not for you to attempt to Moderate this Board and post criticism of the posts of others, say what is inappropriate or not, say what is "politically correct" or not, or characterize someone's comments as "misogynistic" because you are too stupid or vapid to understand the context in which they were made. That is the Moderator's job, not the job of a wannabe cultist who is also wannabe Moderator.

I have over 1,000 posts on this board and if I was so misogynistic, politically incorrect or whatever, I am sure someone other than you (namely the real Moderator, or any member besides you) would have told me by now. I have not heard from the actual Moderator (Bill) that ANY of my posts were inappropriate and I have over 1,000 posts, many of which you have criticized as allegedly being inappropriate but they were never deleted, modified or censored by the actual Moderator. In fact, I do not even recall any person ever sending me a critical PM about my posts other than you -mostly I have gotten the opposite from people who actually appreciate my insights whether they are right, wrong or politically incorrect. The funny thing is that a lot of people that left this board told me by PM they did so because they got sick and tired of you doing the same thing to them. The difference is I am not afraid to speak out about it. Your cult is a cult of one, so I do not in fact give it very much importance but unfortunately because it has caused others to leave and nobody is around to advocate for them, someone needs to say something about it.

You are free to ignore my posts if they upset you so much. Your comments were totally uncalled for and if you are somehow unable to ignore my allegedly offensive posts, and if there was such a real problem with my post above, report it to the Moderator and let's see what action he takes (probably the same as he did with all the other posts you've complained about - nothing).

This message has been edited. Last edited by: DJBHusky,

As I asked (politely and without name-calling) - could you please provide evidence that I am 'stalking' you? Thank you.

It is rather disingenuous to state that "a lot people that left this board told me by PM they did so..." because of me. Then it seems that they haven't really left if they're PM'ing you, have they? And it's not really "a lot" now is it?

Perhaps you are unaware of the job of a moderator and the role of a poster. A moderator moderates. A poster offers an opinion or clears up something that may be need correcting. It would appear that you are confusing the two. I offered my opinion about something that was stated and that I found offensive toward women. Since I am, in fact, a female then I can actually offer that opinion based on my gender. You have made other comments about women that I find offensive toward women and I have not responded to those posts. This one went over the line for me and since you don't want me to PM you (which I would much prefer), I posted my thoughts - on this public forum.

I also find it odd that you state that my "comments were totally uncalled for" yet you seem to believe that your comments are 'called for?' I have not reported you as you stated. I think you're being a little paranoid.

You need to calm down please. No one is out to get you. However, if you post something that is incorrect or someone finds offensive, you should expect that someone - on this public forum - will say something.

And once again, this is not my personal cult. I have belonged to this site for quite a while. And unlike you, I stick around. I don't have to resort to threats of leaving, and leaving, and then returning. When you first returned this time around, I did send you a PM and said that you were providing valuable information since your return. Is that the stalking that you're talking about?

kathy