Hi forum. I have been reading here for a while and seeing that a lot of women go through fear of leakage during sex. I'm going through a really rough time right now with my relationship and I need some support if anyone has any to offer.

I've been with my boyfriend for about 2.5 years. We are best friends and he's been through all three of my surgeries with me and has been endlessly patient. The biggest issue right now is my fear and anxiety about sex. I can tell he's starved for intimacy. We haven't had sex on a regular basis for about a year. It's usually been once a week at best when we used to do it everyday. Right now it's been a month since we last did it. My health has played a big part in reducing the amount of sex we have, and I am waiting and waiting for my desire to come back and it doesn't. I had my takedown about 3 weeks ago. Mentally and emotionally I want to have sex, for us, but sometimes I worry that I don't care about sex that much anymore. Like, I'd be happy not doing it because my body still feels weird and yucky and there's lots of distractions.

I had lots of bowel obstructions and dehydration problems prior to my takedown, so between step 2 and 3 I was in the hospital every few weeks. Then, my takedown fixed those issues. My recovery from my takedown was longer than normal because the obstructions left me nutritionally deprived. I FINALLY felt better, and then my period came. So that was another week of potential intimacy shot to hell. Now my period is over, and I was out actually living life, playing music in our band (we are musicians) and since it was outdoors I am now covered with insect bites. I also had really good control over my output -- it was thick all weekend and I only had 6 BMs a day and was really looking forward to trying to have sex tonight...and now it's runny again. I'm sitting on my laptop in the bathroom right now while he sleeps, typing this. We didn't have sex because I was too itchy from the bug bites all over my arms and shoulders, and also worried about my pouch leaking because of the sudden increase in runniness. It feels like if it's not one thing, it's another! What's next? a Broken leg? Pouchitis?

He came over tonight because we were finally going to try to have sex, and it failed again. I swear, the tiniest things kill the mood for me. Like, if my body hair is growing in ever so slightly from me not shaving in a few days, or if there's a gurgle in my stomach, etc. The sky is the limit with what distracts me. I'm so so easily distracted from intimacy now and I'm worried I'll never get back into it. I feel like things have to be absolutely perfect, where I don't feel or sense my body at all and I know that's impossible at this point because my body is not normal and it never will be. I still find my boyfriend attractive and I love him. I just can't make this work anymore! I'm so worried we'll end up breaking up over this if I don't get myself together soon!

I'm so sad I could cry. I really want happiness in my relationship. I have had so many heartbreaks and jerks in my life, friends and boyfriends leaving me over my health problems. I'm so close to success...my boyfriend is my best friend and I can't lose him over this. I don't feel right in my own skin and I wish there was a way to know when I'll feel like me again.

Hi Reena,
I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. I just want you to know that it does get better...but you have to give it a little time. You only had your takedown 3 weeks ago! I know it seems that you have been waiting and waiting to get back to normal and I totally get that. I was the same way while going through the surgeries and after takedown. I even talked to my gyno about it because I had absolutely NO desire. I think the best thing you can do besides giving yourself some more time is to realize that things don't have to be perfect. If you are easily distracted by things that are killing the mood for you try and prepare! If you're planning on trying to have sex one night, eat light that day so you don't feel full and your stomach isn't as gurgly. Make sure you shave that day. If your BM's are more runny take a couple of immodium. Do things that are going to make you feel good about yourself. Also make sure to empty your pouch before so you don't have to worry about leakage. This really does wonders. That was a big concern for me too but ever since I started emptying my pouch before, I don't even worry about it anymore. And maybe for the first couple times keep a towel by the bed just in case and just to make yourself feel more secure. It seems like you have a very understanding boyfriend who wouldn't freak out IF that happened.

Also, remember that it is going to take time to get used to your new digestive system so the things that are distracting you right now, like the gurgling stomach, will become less distracting in the future. I know things seem hopeless in the intimacy department right now, but it does get better. Feel free to PM me if you'd like and good luck!

Reena,

I feel bad for you and totally understand how you feel. I am married and my sex life has been totally nil over the last year from my two operations and many of the other things you have described. I also felt very down at times as I missed the intimacy, but am thankful my husband
is patient and does not push me. It is hard to feel romantic and sexy when you rear end feels like glass is in it at all times or you fear leakage or pain. Add to the fact of using the bathroom up to 5 times and day and it is hard to
feel clean even though you may bathe and shower more than once a day.

You are very early out of your surgery so give yourself time. Try not to pressure yourself and talk to your boyfriend about your concerns and fears. I am sure he will understand if you communicate with him. In the meantime the other suggestions are great. If this helps at all, the first time we resumed sex I was petrified of leaking and nothing happened. I did wait until about 6 weeks after my takedown though to even attempt relations again.

Hope you feel better soon.

I'm pretty sure my doctor told me no sex for 6 weeks.

Hmm... that's funny, cataja. I did not think about the physical restrictions post surgery about sex and other, err...high impact activity. Ha. I think I must be so used to going to the hospital and coming home and jumping back into life that I didn't even think that I probably SHOULDN'T try to have sex at least until my staples come out. I'm not even at the point where I can take a bath yet. What makes me think I can have sex? Whoops. Ha. I was much more mindful of these things after surgery 1...i was so careful. Now it's old hat...getting cut into, stuck with needles, fasting, etc so I don't even think about that being a stress...oye. I just get anxious about when I can do things again. It's amazing what our bodies survive in the course of a lifetime.

I totally understand how you feel! I bet most women who have gone thru these surgeries have the same exact feelings. I am 9 months post takedown and I am finally starting to feel better in the intimacy department. I does take a while to start feeling better about yourself again. My poor hubby has been very patient.

Those stomache gurgles do decrease over time. You are still fresh from takedown so your belly will be making noise for a little while. I know that is a huge distraction!

If your BF is in it for the long haul...which it sounds like he is....I'm sure this bump in the road in the grand scheme of things will not tear you apart. Also maybe going together and talking to a therapist may help both of you understand eachother's feelings.

In my discharge papers from my takedown surgery it said no restrictions for sex although I certainly didn't feel like doing it that soon after!

Best wishes!