Ok fellas here is the deal. I am 37 years old, single, and had a successful j-pouch surgery 7 years ago. Because of the extensive scars on my abdomen and dependence on a restroom six times a day, I haven't been entirely comfortable with dating. I mean how do you explain to your date your condition? And if things become intimate how do I explain all the scars and having to pass a stool every four to five hours? Maybe I am being too self conscious but spending the night with someone is uncomfortable for me because of this. Any advice or other people struggling with this would be appreciated.

Sorry I'm not a guy but chiming in on your post. I think we've all struggled with this at one point or another.
I, personally would flash my scars early on...like the first date. If it was going to freak them out and and they wanted to leave I'd rather know about it early on before I become emotionally attached.

I dated a guy for four years and was never comfortable enough with him to tell him ALL the embarrassing and awkward things that go with our surgeries. I tried to hide things or drink a lot of water so he thought I was peeing a lot. Obviously that wasn't a good relationship. I've dated other guys with the same problem. I was too embarrassed to talk about it. But when I met my fiance, I told him all the nitty gritty details after three weeks and he said, "What's the big deal? Everyone poops, Baby." It was not a big deal to him at all and he has made me completely comfortable with all my problems and I've been able to be so honest with him.

I think it takes the RIGHT person and YOU being comfortable not them. Most people I think are pretty understanding but I'm not comfortable or trusting with everyone. I would never have been able to tell anyone all my stuff or be as comfortable with anyone but my soon to be husband.

Good luck and know there are people out there that accept all manner of things but the person that has to accept it the most and be comfortable with it and sharring it is YOU.

Olive Oil thank you for replying to my post and sharing your very wise insight. I can identify with what you mentioned about hiding things. I guess ultimately you're right I have to be comfortable with myself. How that will happen is anyone's guess? I was burned recently in a relationship and so I am cautious about sharing my condition with anyone new.

Im married so maybe not the best for the dating thing (though wife would kill me lol) But I ended up going back to an end illeo. I work out at a golds gym and shower there... play ice hockey and shower there in huge showers and never even thought about hiding or being shy about scars and all that. I have been opened up 6 times in 14 months and look like hell, but I never give it a second though. I also go swimming and beaches and I guess its just me.
If I was single and dating I would bring it up early and go from there.. thats me and I dont think its a bad thing!

I am a 28 year old dating guy. I have been in two relationships since I got my J-pouch. The first one I didn't talk a whole lot about what had happened or the problems I was facing and the relationship didn't last. The one I am currently in, I told her a lot in a short amount of time, including telling her that I had incontinence at night. She was understanding with it all...the problems at night has put a strain on intimacy, but our relationship is strong in spite of it.

I would tell the other person right away, so you don't waste your time...you might have some ugly scars and go to the bathroom a lot, but you have some great qualities because of this...a really good person will recognize this.

Have you ever thought of trying to date someone who has been through the same stuff? I thought there were dating sites.
I know it probably would make life easier if you were with someone who knew what it was like.

I have scars that I don't like but my ileo ones I don't mind. I absolutely see them as battle scars- a fight I've won.

From a female perspective, I don't worry about bathroom stuff- if you have to go you have to go. When it comes to my fiance, sometimes he tells me more than I want to know. I think just listen to your body, excuse yourself but don't go into all the details on the first date.

But in general, I don't think the surgery turns people off- most people are so interested.

Good luck!

Hey Rakka,

I'm 28 and have a very similar situation... about my only advantage is that I'm naturally hairy, so the scars get hidden pretty well. But I understand the reservations and it was a while before I felt comfortable about being intimate with anyone or for that matter explaining this... the last thing I wanted was for a girl to think she was getting damaged goods.

The approach I've always taken is to wait for it to come up. My current girlfriend (and I'm pretty sure this one is the one) it came up after I went to the bathroom a couple times in the course of 6 hours or so before we were intimate- I told her what the situation was and answered her questions. I figured if she could accept I had this surgery than it was good for me. If not, then there was no point in continuing.

What we've been through leaves some scars both on our bodies and on our psyches. But over time all scars fade...

Good luck!

Thanks everyone for the support and understanding! It is helpful to know that I am not the only one facing these issues.

Well this is my second time for scars. The first time I was paranoid in the beginning, being 23 at the time. But found that the scars weren't a big thing with the women.

I used to joke that I got gored when I was in Pamplona when running with the bulls. After the laughter, would fess up to the truth. None of the women I went out with thought it was a big deal, and would ask more questions about what I've gone through.

Just remember:
Pain heals
Chicks dig scars
Glory lasts forever
:-)

P.S.
Yes, some of the women were the classic "one nighter".

I'm 32 and single and the scars are far from my biggest problem. I also go to the bathroom every night when I fall asleep. Been like that for years. I don't think I'll ever be able to be in a relationship. Who would want to go out with a guy with those kind of problems?
I pretty much know I'm gonna be single my while life.

Hi guys,
I've been with my boyfriend for more than a year now. He has had a j-pouch, has some scars, and now he has a permanent end ileo. Although we have already been through a lot together because of him being sick and having surgeries, our relationship has never been focus on that. He is also young as you guys ( 27 ). I'm sure if he wanted he could have any other girlfriend, because he is an amazing person, and I'm the lucky one to have him.
There are a lot of girlfriends, wives, boyfriends, and husbands, who are very much in love with their significant others on this site, like me. I'm sure all of us can have great relationships, we just have to find the right person for us.
I hope you can find someone you can love and love you back, regardless of anything.
Lilian (Borboleta)

It sounds like you're in pretty good shape. The nighttime incontinence would be a tough issue, but scars are scars. If she is so superficial that she freaks out because of a few scars then she's probably not worth a relationship IMHO. Really, I am thankful that my wife has stuck with me through all this mess, but she has added some scars too since we got married. They just don't really matter, unless you let it bother you. .

Mark,
I don't think you should be resolved that you will be single forever. I too thought no one would love me or find me attractive with these issues and I just got married 7 months ago. 1st of all women are really understanding about most anything. You just have to take it slow. I wouldn't reveal everything at once but do it slowly, that way you are mysterious and women like that. I am sure there is a woman out there who wants to take care of you she just has to find you. If you have closed yourself off from love it won't happen and you will have a self fulling prophecy. Just hang in there and make yourself available to the world and remember there are a lot of hot women who have the same problems you have, you never know who you are talking too and what they are not revealing about themselfs. Most people are more worried about there own problems and will think yours is no big deal. I think I have given enough fortune cookie wisdom for one post. I hope it helps.
Lindsay