Harvey,
I'm very sorry to hear that things are so hard on you. I believe you and your wife should look for help, a conselour, doctor, some one in your family that could assist you in a open and honest talk. The hardest thing to do in this situation is face the facts as they are, and try not to go crazy.
Many people believe it is better not to talk about our problems, and talking would be worse. Talking will bring to truth to the surface, and make things clear to both of you. Don't torture yourself looking on her computer, this will only hurt you more. Screaming is only going to set you guys apart, more than you already are. It's time for a decision on both parts, and it is not easy to put everything at risk.
Believe me everyone on this site who has a wife, husband, partner, girlfriend, boyfriend, has already dealt or are deling with similar struggles. If you want to be together, both of you have to understand that this disease is not only yours, but it is part of your life as a couple. Getting to this point of understading is one of the hardest thing to do. Honestly, my boyfriend and I are not there yet.
If your wife really loves you, she does not want to hear "leave me and find someone else who is healthy", she would want to hear you love her, and want her to stay and fight with you.
Love is not only a feeling, but a decision. I hope God can bring you light, and I'll be praying for you.

Lilian(Borboleta)

Harvey,

Did you all ever get someone to talk with (individually and together) about all of this? I can't see you all having much fruit out of your conversations at this point without a third party mediating things for you. With the trust issues that have arisen recently, it will be hard to reach that place where you both agree you want things to work out for you.

Also, I wanted to add that after my takedown I was miserable. It was not what I expected, and I felt life with UC was better than that. I would find myself getting depressed in the afternoons and couldn't figure out why. I finally figured out that I was angry about the loss that I was experiencing: the loss of time due to spending so much of it in the bathroom, the loss of ability to do the things I wanted, my inability to even play with my daughter, the pain, the loss of control over much of my life. And believe me, it is perfectly normal to grieve the losses you are going through (and anger is a part of that).

When faced with that much loss, a person can run, hide, or they can accept and move on with their "new" life. The only one that brings any peace and life is acceptance of the new circumstance. It's not easy. So go ahead and tell God how much life sucks. Tell Him how much you hate not being able to do x, y, and z. Tell Him whatever you need to. Then decide to live life anyway - in spite of all that. It's worth it Harvey - even if life will never be what it was before.

We went to both couples counciling and individual sessions with the shrink. The decision has been made to divorce. I expect everything to be taken care of my February of next year. I'm really trying to work my way through this. My mom wants me to go to church, so I've heard all this before. I'm a logical person, what I have decided to do is just shut my feelings off at this point until the divorce is final and I'm out of here. At that time I'll assess everything. Right now I feel too angry to look at anything rationally. This whole thing stinks and it makes no sense.

Hard as it may be right now to see a better future, things can get better. It's okay to feel awful and hopeless, as long as you don't let things slide too far. Get some counseling just for you - regardless of the marriage situation, it sounds like you need someone to just hear you and help you.

My husband and I had been engaged 4 months when I was dx with UC. I had my two j-pouch surgeries in the 6 months before my wedding. 3 1/2 years of chronic pouchitis, surgery for disconnect, surgery for pouch removal. Needless to say, not much sex going on during long stretches of that time. Sounds stereotypical, but it was fine for me. I know it was frustrating for my husband.

I was the one not feeling well for one thing, but for another, sex takes on a whole different meaning for women. While I know few men who would say that sex isn't on the top three things of importance in a relationship, I know a lot of women who would say it was low on the list. Doesn't mean either is right or wrong, just that we (men and women) often see this issue differently.

Once when I was feeling quite low, I told my husband I didn't know why he stayed wtih me. He was very kind and sympathetic to my feelings. The second time I made a similar remark, he got quite angry with me. He asked if I would leave him if the roles were reversed. When I said no, he asked me why I thought I was better person than he was. It hasn't been an issue between us since.

While you might not have this relationship with your wife, it doesn't mean that there aren't people out there who will love you not only in spite of what you have been through, but because of it. We are all quite strong and determined people here and I for one, know I am a much better person (more compassionate, stronger, etc...) for having come through it all.

I know all of this is hard to believe or accept now. Take some time and allow yourself to be angry. But do yourself a favor and get some help because no one should have to go through these feelings alone.

Harvey, I'm saddened by the fact that you're going through this. I wanted to address your mom's wishes for you to go to church. I can understand you not wanting to go right now.

I want to let you know, as someone who's been a churchgoer all my life, there are all kinds of churches, and some do not deal with issues like divorce very well at all and can actually hurt you even more. However there are churches that can help. I'm married to a divorcee. She actually got involved with the church I attend through a divorce-care support group, which was held there. It really helped her get through that time in her life. So I would encourage you not to rule it out in the future, it can be a real help. You might just have to look at a few churches before finding one that can be of real help to you.

I am the wife (22 years of marriage) to a J-Poucher. Unlike many of you we did not experience a lengthy problem with UC - he only had one flare-up which landed him in the hospital for a month and after 9 blood transfusions, 60 pounds weight loss and two nights of uncertainty of whether he would make it they did emergency removal of his colon and nine months later he got a j-pouch. His j-pouch surgery was March 16, 2004. We are experiencing major problems and the biggest problem is that he says things like "I am doomed" "won't be around long" etc. He seems to just eat and drink whatever he wants without caring too much and just today after we met for lunch at work - he had an accident because he could not make it to the washroom. I absolutely do not know what it would be like to be in his shoes and I have and willcontinue to stick with him through thick and thin but it feels so helpless. You go through not being sure if you are even going to have a husband anymore to dealing with severe depression, infection and then chronic battling with an ongoing health issue. As with others the sex is virtually non-existent as well as any affection for that matter. We also had some other very stressful situations to deal with at the same time and though we are still married and love each other very much - we really feel like it is hopeless. Just tonight he said if he had to go back to the bag he would put a bullet in his head. I know he was just venting but I do not know what to do to help him. I do feel he may be depressed. He had to change jobs because he could no longer do shift work, we no longer go out in the evenings at all because he is too afraid to be away from the house in case he is not near a washroom and even if he is near a washroom is there a place for him to lie flat out to pass gas? No not usually. I totally understand his needing to be at home and so really that is not a problem as I am a musician and have that as my hobby which he fully supports. Anyway, a bit from a spouse's perspective. I know I can't imagine what he has gone through and continues to go through but what I am going through is also so hard and I am constantly in tears (not around him) and feeling so helpless. I feel so badly for all of you who have suffered so, and I so admire your strenghth and determination -

Another thing to look into is support groups in your areas. http://www.ccfa.org has support group listings for US chapters. I'm not sure where to look for you in BC, billyjean. But I'm sure there is something out there.

billyjean - did your husband take up any of the suggestions we put to you?

harvey i'm going through the same as you and my marriage is not well either but ...if a woman doesn't want you for sicker or poorer then she is not worth it if my wife left today yes I would be unhappy but I would move on ...


I'm very depressed and can no longer make love due to surgery wife and I are no longer getting along I feel like we are brother and sister living together the way things are...


We no longer can sleep in the same bed going on 18 months because I crap myself so I understand what your going through.

Remember this there is someone who will understand what we are going through and there is woman out there who will want you not to get into it but there is other ways to make love .

A woman should want you not your friend down there ........

Harvey, I am sorry that you have to go through this. Jeff is right, when you get married, it is for sicker or poorer, and I am sorry that your wife has let you down.

I just read through all the posts on this topic, and am sitting here crying my eyes out! All of you have put into words what I have been feeling for so long. I was a teen when I had my surgery, so I don't have a pre-surgery sex life to compare to. All I can say is that it is not important to me, I rarely find that I can enjoy it, and often find myself suffering through it for my fiance.

We have been together for 7 1/2 years, and he is pretty supportive, but I can see how my body function issues wear on him, and even though he doesn't say anything is it obvious that he gets annoyed with my lack of sex drive. I think he feels rejected. I am scared to get married because I am so scared that he will one day wake up and realise how revolting me and my body are.

My point is that he did and does want me though. We started dating 5 years after my takedown, so he was well aware of my issues and has been there for me, he doesn't always know what to do for me but atleast he's there. And there has been a lot to be there for.

Just because your wife wasn't strong enough to deal with chronic illness doesn't mean that no one else can. If my guy (who is a self professed selfish SOB) can find the strength to do it, there is someone out there for you!

It is clear that some individual counseling would benefit you. You sound, with good reason, severely depressed. I'll pass along something a friend of mine told me while going through an incredibly tough time: "You have to fake it til you make it, no matter what." I wouldn't be here otherwise.

Don't let this ****ed up disease take your life.

One thing UC and the following surgeries have given me, one thing I can feel grateful about, in one area where I am extremely lucky...is the ability to see what is important and more importantly - who is important. Most people really don't know what is important or who is important...you really don't get a good understanding of these things until you go through something extremely difficult...whatever remains is all that is important. Tough times never last...tough people do.

Last night I received a call from a doctor who is both one of my urologists and a family friend. He heard about my impending divorce, and called to check on me. He knew what played a part in the divorce. I mentioned to my soon to be ex wife that he had called to check on me, and that he wanted me to see an associate of his that is a specialist with hormone levels. I am currently on Testim, and he said that his collegue fealt that there might be a better treatment for me. I mentioned this to my soon to be ex wife as well, and she started to cry and made the statement "they can put a dick on a girl, but they can't fix you". She was insinuating that I have not put forth the effort to solve my issue. Although I have spent countless hours and dollars, traveled over three states, and seen multiple specialists to try to fix me. I did not handle my situation the best in the world, and I admitted to such to her. I was trying my best to deal with this issue, and I was not a very good person. This morning she came to ask for a stamp, and I didn't say anything, just handed her a stamp. She asked if I was not speaking to her, I said that I was upset about our conversation last night. I mean, the papers are filed, why even get into that with me? She has made her feeling abundantly clear, and has spearheaded the effort to dissolve our marriage. From the things that she has said to me, once the divorce is final, I have no desire to ever speak to her again. We are having to live in the same house until mid January when she is moving out. I will move out as soon as our house sells, which is on the market right now. It's like she thinks that I haven't made every effort to fix myself. I spent so much money and time trying to handle all this. I don't understand what she wants from me at this point.

HarveyBM,

I continue to feel for you (and pray for you). We are not in an easy spot, being husbands and going through this. This is a scary, overwhelming, and difficult thing for us - and I think even more so for our wives. Of course, that doesn't seem fair - that our wives have a harder time with it than we do since we are the ones physically suffering.

I'm sure your wife would just like things to be "normal" again. Have things back the way they were. For things to be all better. And it sounds like she really looks to you to take the lead, to be her security, and to help her through this. Most wives (not all) have those needs - and even more in a stressful situation. The rub is that it is very difficult to meet those needs when we are sick and can't fix the situation ourselves.

So, if she can't have those needs met, she will probably try to have them met elsewhere or run as far away from the situation as she can. Sounds like she's running.

I hope you pursue this Testim solution. Regardless of what she ends up doing in all of this, you will have a life afterwards and should go after any possible treatments. Don't lose hope!

Harvey,
Sorry but screw her, you will be much better off without her. People shouldn't get married who don't believe in the vows, since my husband and I got married we have dealt with my uc and losing most of our money in the housing market but we love each other. We have wanted to kill each other sometimes but we signed up for the good and the bad, that's how it works. I know life is hard, trust me I find it an ******* myself most of the time but she isn't worth crying over.

Take it easy,
Karen

Harvey-

It sounds like you've been to hell and back, but better days are ahead. Please stay as positive as you can. The fact that you are still living together has to be hard. We're all pulling for you.

I'm gonna go ahead and assume that your wife has some serious psychological issues. SERIOUS issues.

At the beginning of this post, before the divorce thing, I was going to suggest Imago therapy (google it, it's good). But she seems to be all over the place. You absolutely cannot blame this on your surgery. There are plenty of us on this board that haven't had someone treat us like that! It sucks but it sounds like your life will be more peaceful without her.

And what the heck, so what about sexual difficulties! Our society is just too focused on genital intercourse. There are plenty of ways to give a partner pleasure.

Her blaming you for your health problems and treating you like this surgery was a choice is absurd and shows a real lack of maturity and brain power. If you didn't get this surgery, you may have died of a ruptured colon or gotten colon cancer. And if she bolts when the chips are down, run, don't walk away. In the long run you will never get colon cancer, you won't have to live on steroids, and your life quality will be much, much better. If she can't rough it out for the few short years it takes to get toward healing, what kind of woman is she? There are better women out there. Good luck!

And if you decide to work it out, look into Imago therapy. It worked for me and my hubby.