It's been a while since I messaged on this board. Around 3 years ago, I had the first and second stages of the j-pouch surgery. Since that time I have not been able to achieve an erection naturally. Levitra has finally seemed to work for me. I am married two years, and my wife walked out on me this weekend. I have been emotionally distant due to the surgery and the erection issue. I understand this. She says that she blames the surgery for the problems in our marriage. This friday she stayed in from work, and spent most of the time crying on our couch. I have tried to improve and treat her a good as possible. I am on testosterone therapy which seems to have improved my mood, but now that I'm just starting to get back to "normal" she's had enough. We have seen a shrink both as a couple and individually. She has a family history of psycological problems, so I guess that's playing a factor. I don't have any idea how to help her, or how to fix this. It doesn't seem like we are going to make it. I would appreciate any advice from anyone who has gone through anything similar.

Sorry to hear how lousy this time has been for you. I have been married 6 years and have been sick for 5 & 1/2 years. We have been struggling tremendously for the last 2 & 1/2 years. This disease and it's effects have impacted our lives, emotionally and physically. Intimacy, not just sex, is hard to achieve when you feel sick most of the time and the guy-prob that you are having is more un-needed stress. I had a fistula since June 2005 that put a screaming halt to our sex life and I finally had it fixed (hopefully) with major surgery in September. I don't know yet if it worked. I have dealt with depression longer than I can remember. Sometimes I have hope and other times I'm not so sure.
I don't know the answers, but I wanted you to know that you are not alone.

The toll this stuff takes on us and, sometimes even more, on our families is huge. I would say the positive thing is that you both recognize the source of the relationship problems - since that means you hopefully limit the finger pointing and name calling at each other and point it at the circumstances you find yourselves in.

Healing will take time and work. The hard part is that you are both looking for someone to talk to about your feelings and emotions through this - but find you can't do it with each other because it just adds to the other person's stress. My wife says the hardest thing for her during my time in the hospital was not feeling like she could be honest and really share how she was feeling. To do so just laid a heavy burden and guilt on me. Even though I knew it wasn't my fault (we don't control these circumstances), it was my fault (because I'm the one living in this body). For her to tell me how hard it was just made my guilt grow - causing me to retreat emotionally.

Solutions? You both need someone (or multiple people) to talk through - even now. It needs to be someone who can listen and be a good friend. And someone who is committed to seeing you two stay together. You need to both process through things with someone besides each other so that you can both focus on the positive things of your relationship when you are together.

And I will throw in that having a relationship with God and a solid, spiritual perspective on things helped tremendously for us.

I hope that helps.

I’m sorry to hear you are going through such a hard time. You both must be exhausted from this disease, and in a lot of emotional pain. She is probably feeling too lonely, and you too tired of trying everything you can think of to stay healthy and cope with live.
My boyfriend and I are going through a tough time now too. He has just had his pouch disconnected, and turned to and end illeo. Everything seams to be so hard for him, eating, walking, changing his appliances, etc. It’s awfully hard for me to see what he is going through physically and mentally. He is so distant and quiet, it’s hard for me not to hear “I love you” or “I’m thinking of you”, things that I loved so much.
I believe if you let her know how much you love her, appreciate her presence in your life, and you are both going through the same struggle together, might be helpful. I can imagine she is depressed, because she loves you, but thinks you don’t love her anymore. On the other hand you are distant, cause you imagine you don’t have her acceptance, and her love anymore either.
Is your wife in this site too? It can be very helpful if she gets to know people who face similar things that you guys do. You can PM me if you want to, or ask your wife to do it. Hang in there and remember you are not alone.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Borboleta,

My wife has decided she wants a divorce. So, I guess the point is moot about "trying to work it out".

So sorry to hear that HarveyBM (you know, if you shorten up your name it's kind of fitting for any of us). That sucks. I don't know what else to tell you - but know that we are feeling your pain.

It makes me sad to hear this. If it were me, I'd take stock of things and if I felt the love was still there, I would not agree to the divorce and ask her to attend marriage counseling together. Two years is a very short period of time to be married, so it should not be difficult to think back to the reasons you fell in love and decided to marry in the first place.

Obviously, you both need to work at finding the way back to each other and if she flat out refuses, then there isn't any way to force it. But, you should at least find out why she is unwilling to try. Either way, please continue to come here for support.

Jan

....
Please take Jan's advice and continue to seek support from here, or anywhere.

She moved out, moved back in. I was trying to be more loving towards her and work with my problem. She told me last night that she can't handle my problem. If this is the case, we don't need to stay married.

I would have been better off to not have the j pouch surgery. I would have been better bleeding out. My life is complete **** right now. Who in the hell would honestly want a 29 year old impotent ******* for anything. I just hate everything. Nothing makes sense. I'm angry at the surgeon, god, anyone who is happy. I spoke to my mom about all this last night, and she had the gall to tell me "There are women out there who it won't matter to". Are you kidding me? Who the hell would ever want me. I am defective because of this stupid ****ing surgery. I'm just going to get a divorce and move somewhere to be alone. Hopefully I won't be around too much longer. Life is ****, and if god exists, he is a heartless **** who could give two ****s about any of his "children".

wow. you sound very depressed, and i can understand why.
i am a 23 year old woman and i agree with your mom (sorry ..but i do).
i have a j-pouch..it was 3 steps...and i never dreamed anyone would want to date me when i was 20 and had an ileostomy...but i met a guy who did not care about that at all! we are not together now....we only broke up because of religious differences- had nothing to do with health stuff...and i think it was more my decision than his. but now i see hope that someone can accept me despite my problems.

as for sex issues... as a young woman, i am not lying when i tell you that sex is the last thing on my list when i evaluate a relationship or potential partner. maybe i'm a freak or something lol...but i am living proof that to many women, a relationship means a lot of things other than sex. i would be content just to be close to someone and have the companionship...

i know it is hard right now..and there will always be weak and shallow people who can't deal with the problems...but there are also people who are caring and look right past the stupid intestinal issues and see you for who you really are.

hang in there...remember that if you want to fix things or find love with someone else you have to love yourself first (yes, i know that sounds sooo cheesey lol) but seriously, who wants to be with someone who is self-pitying all the time and only focusing on the negative?! i know it is hard to do anything else on bad days...we all have the right to complain sometimes...but don't give up on everything!

okay, i know you don't know me so this might not change your mind about anything...but i will say it again- i am 100% honest that sex is not important to every woman...not to me.

Harvey,

Coping with a marriage is hard enough for most people, but making a marriage last in the midst of chronic health problems is another.

Mark and I are your age, we've been together 13 years, 7 of which Mark has been sick. These years have been so unbelievably difficult at times. We've done multiple rounds of counseling, been in counseling separately at times, relied on freinds, family and others like on this site for guidance and strenght. It has taken SO much work for us to get through this that it is hard to believe we had time for anything else.

You both might need to acknowledge that sex is only a symptom of much larger problems like mood changes from persistent stress related to health, fear (it is scary for you and your wife to have your health be fragile), and then all the other stuff that "Normal" married 29 years have to deal with like house, career, family, intimacy, money, etc....

Listen, it is time to get you both to therapy___If she moved in she wants to work on it, are you willing to work on it with gentleness and honesty? Mark and I have always seen therapy as the place where we walk in that room, and admit that "Our problems are so big right now we need to throw them out and start over again. It levels the playing field for us, we throw in the towel and get to press RE-START". Go get new tools to cope with your reality.

Marriage takes work, marriage with chronic disease takes more work.

Megan

Harvey,
As if the disease weren't bad enough, now this. You're entitled to your anger but self-destruction may not be the best expression of it.
When I still suffered from UC, there were days when I didn't want to live any more. The early morning battles that raged in my gut left me sweaty, lifeless, and worthless. In a constant state of Vicodin relief and Prednisone psychosis, I would sleep until noon and be a hair-trigger S.O.B. when I woke up. I started to find notes from my wife of 17 years saying she couldn't sit around watching me suffer and sleep anymore. She'd go out and I'd feel guilty.
We are still together and love each other, but there's no question that UC was the third person in our marriage -- it was a lurking, evil, devastating force that seemed like it would rip us apart and almost did. Now that I'm battling my way through these J-pouch surgeries, we talk more openly about how overpowering it all is -- how hard it is on her and me as well.
Even if your wife isn't strong enough to stay with you because of the disease, remember that you're both doing the best you can. But you are strong enough to endure everything you have so you are strong enough to go on. You are a person, your life has value. It wouldn't be better for you to bleed out. It wouldn't be better if you'd never had the surgery.
Go on. It's hard, it sucks. But go on. Because this too will pass.
My best to you,
Jeffrey H.

Although I cannot obviously speak from a male perpective, I can honestly say that UC and my j-pouch have taken a heavy toll on my marriage. since I have been sick, I have had NO desire to be intimate or have sex and I know it's been a very stressful time for my husband.

When I was suffering in the hospital after my surgeries and emergency surgeries and had not one, but two ostomy bags hanging off me I just about asked my husband to leave me and find someone else who was healthy. My thinking was that he didn't sign up for this and he shouldn't have to be with someone like me for the rest of his life. Now as I am trying to deal with my chronic pouchitis and being on antibiotics that make me feel gross most of the time it's hard for me to want to be anywhere near my husband. I don't feel that way because of him, it is all me and my issues.

I have been battling with depression as well and at times I felt the same as you did. I thought life would be better if I just wasn't there, only I have 2 kids as well as my husband that need me which is probably why I am still here.

Please seek some medical advise. I didn't want to take anything for depression because I thought it was a sign of weakness but after researching and soul-searching I realize that it truly is a medical condition and it's not 'all in my head'.

I am very sorry that you are having to deal with all this, but please speak to your doctor and get some help. It won't be like this for ever and most likely a few years from now you'll look back and be thankful that you stuck it out.

My prayers are with you.

I saw on my wifes myspace page that she was not wearing her wedding ring. I asked her about it and she said that she was. The picture was taken while she was out of town with a friend of hers. I looking on her computer (I know it was wrong to do) and none of the pictures from this past month did she have her wedding ring on. I don't understand what the point of her lying to me was. She is coming back home tomorrow, and I just hope I can keep from screaming at her. This hurts pretty badly, that she would lie to me about this.